thanks to everyone who replied. I feel a lot better knowing that you are out there and I am not alone - sort of like after a wound is bandaged. I know that it will take a while to repair/heal, but at least I know it is in the process.
Starsky - those are good points about the "N.U.T.S". I will start to work on that.
also very good point about the "entitlement" and "invincibility". I need to find a way to show him that this won't work anymore. but on the other hand - I really am timid about it, because I know that if we would split up, I would be alone (I'm 59 and not getting any younger) but he would be surrounded by admiring female fans, regardless of his age.
MrB - I will look into counselling. but due to the logistics, it might not be possible. also, in the past there were times when he agreed to go to counselling, but wasn't willing to take any advice! just to try to convince the counsellor why he was right and I was wrong! I can't imagine him behaving any differently now. if he did accept a counsellor's advice, that would be great, but it is so out of character for him. he is accustomed to telling people what to do, not to be told.
KML - thanks, I went to the library yesterday and got some books by Pia Mellody to look through, although I don't know if he is actually "addicted". it's what I thought when I first saw his emails in Feb, but after some reading (e.g. www.recoverynation.com) I think he is not actually "addicted" and doesn't need a 12-step program, he just needs to learn how to keep his hand out of the candy jar. more like what you and Starsky wrote about him being narcissistic. I would also say "spoiled", because he wasn't like this when we first got married. I think it happened gradually due to being surrounded by admirers.
I'm the one who does the bookkeeping for our family & business, so I am able to keep track of our finances. unless he has a credit card that I don't know about? how could I find out? on credit reports, they "encode" the information and it's difficult to know what card they are referring to. same story with - maybe he has a cell phone I don't know about.
but since our credit reports always come back ok, I don't think he has any outstanding debts.
I am not so much concerned about him leaving me for someone else, because he seems to be a "cake eater". he knows very well that none of them would be the efficient 24/7 support system that I am for him. (and on the other hand, there is a limit how much I could boycott him on this, because often it is necessary for our business. but I could limit my help to things that are necessary and not just for his comfort.)
I will pay more attention to the things I enjoy doing that don't require his presence.
one of my problems is - because of his long working hours, we are able to talk or see each other only according to his schedule. so I need to be available when it works for him, not necessarily when it works for me. e.g. to be available to talk (usually by phone or IM if he is travelling) when he finishes work for the day, before he goes to sleep, exhausted, at 7-8 pm. or, if he cannot come home for the weekend, sometimes he wants me to travel to where he is. and it is nice that he invites me, but sometimes it is a hassle for me to travel like that. my feeling is that if I "make myself scarce" then he will use that as an excuse to get the companionship from someone else (as he has done in the past). I am glad that he "wants" me, but I shouldn't have to feel that I am replaceable if it is not possible or convenient for me to be there for him. I never tried to "replace" him with someone else when he was away.
