[quote=zig]That's a good part of it in a nutshell... but it's not that simple...
there you go again -giving out tidbits, but not the whole story (grin)
so KD what's the "not simple" part - want to give it a shot:)/quote]
lol... well... got some time...?
Let me just peek around and make sure 25 isn't watching... She's been a great support for me and I know she constantly challenges me to refrain from thinking in terms of MLC and WAS because the focus needs to remain on us... we know this of course, but when one's mind has idle time... well...
So using me as an example... let's say that I've done absolutely no "work" on myself...
of course that's not entirely true, but I remain pretty much the same person I was when this all began... I just got out of MY OWN depression and found my footing to move forward...
It's not so simple as a WAS wanting to D and therefore drops the bomb, goes through all the emotional stuff that happens during a D, and pushes through in order to get the desired D and move on with their life...
Because a MLCer may do the same... file D, carry it through completion, and move on with their life...
According to my W, she had made her "decision" (which would be about 2 years ago by my count)... I noticed that she became very distant at that time and it was DIFFERENT than the spew that I was getting prior to that point... but no more "comfortable"...
My "official" bomb drop was mid Oct/10. Well, sort of... there were a series of bomb drops (kinda like those chinese fire crackers with 100s all strung together), but Oct. was the one that was most relevant to me.
My W gave me the whole "I don't FEEL M"... "I don't love you like a wife should love a husband"... "ILYBINILWY"... "I'm only going to MC so that we can better co-parent"... that Nov.10 I announced that I was leaving... she told me "You don't have to leave, I'm not asking you to move out"... Later, I got the "I'm happy living the way we are"... in reference to not carrying whether we D and not wanting to file legal separation...
and on and on and so on...
So I of course did the whole "blubbering idiot" thing... and the opposite of DBing... until I found DBing... and then as we all do, there was a lot of "mistakes" along the way... but eventually, I am "better" now...
but... I'm the same person I was when my W M'd me... same morals, ethics, behaviours... I've begun to do some upgrades and do some things that I hadn't been doing at the time, but now... almost 12 years later... I'm doing the "jbnati"...
Where it doesn't make sense is... after two years and "no change" in me... and a legal separation now in place (which was like pulling teeth to get to happen, in lieu of the D that I had asked her for and which would have been probably the same cost, legally)... there's no reason why we need to be M... yet my W has no interest in discussing D... about a year ago my W didn't even want to talk about it... about 6 months ago, my W (when I pressured discussion about it) finally said that she was "OK" with saying she'd be "OK" with D... about three months ago indicating that her life was "great" now, aside from a few "bumps" (financial concerns)...
and about a month ago in response to me indicating that I'm now looking to file, saying "so long as it is cheap and quick".
This above I thought was quite humorous... as we were discussing the SA, my W said that D would be up to me to pay for... so I just find it slightly entertaining that my W would even suggest that the D should be "cheap", since I'm the one who would be paying for it... and "quick"...??? well, two years to D...? So far there's nothing "quick" about it...
Anyhow, like I said, it's not so simple...
because IF my W is MLC... then she's high functioning, low energy... in MLC circles, this is known as a "low energy" MLCer... they want out... but they're in no rush... they are clingy... and they aren't prone to "boomerang" (pursuit/distance - distance/pursuit) patterns... they aren't "vanishers" because they don't just disappear for months or years at a time... they aren't low functioning, so no one else gets to see how crazy their behaviour can be... and they aren't high energy (well, there might be moments, but...) so they aren't buying that red sports car or quitting their job to become monks and nuns... or spending themselves broke (well, not true with my W as she's always been a paycheque to paycheque kinda girl...) or having wild and various affairs... at least, not out in the open...
As you see above, MLC comes in many and varied flavours... each one unique of course, but there are certain "patterns" of each type... and some will even transition from one type to another over the course of their MLC...
I think one of the things that makes the most sense to me is the understand that in (I think it's safe to say) that:
+ MLC = flight
MLCers tend to avoid anything and everything that is uncomfortable.
Parachutist # 1 embraced the experience and let it wash over them, taking it all in with open eyes and open mind...
Parachutist # 2 wanted with every cell in their body, to be out of the experience... the only experience they had was...
She's been a great support for me and I know she constantly challenges me to refrain from thinking in terms of MLC and WAS because the focus needs to remain on us... we know this of course, but when one's mind has idle time... well... 