I feel your pain. I see some similarities in our situation. My H moved back in with me after he ended his affair, and later reinitiated contact with OW and the affair resumed. The OW was also a co-worker, and my H has been extremely resistant to counseling.
I haven't read your old posts, but I'm wondering... how did the the affair end the first time? Did he just tell you it was over? Did he call or email the OW? Were you part of that? Do you know exactly how and when it ended? I ask these things, because I trusted that my H had ended the affair when he said he did, taking his word for it. I had no way of corroborating his story since I was not present in his conversation with the OW. Turns out that he didn't really end it with her the first time. He left it open-ended, meaning, 'I'm going to try things out with my wife and see what happens, but I still have feelings for you, and who knows if maybe in the future our paths will cross again.' So, in the OWs mind as well as in my H's mind, there was still a possibility they would get back together. And sure enough, after only a few weeks that we were back together, he turned back to her and they resumed the affair. This happened despite our 'no contact' agreement and that he would tell me if any contact were to occur. My problem is, I trusted too soon.
In my case, I basically did this time what I should have done the first time around. We discussed that the contact with the OW had to end with no room for interpretation and I had to be part of that discssion. The OW had to know with 100% certainty that the affair was over, that there would be no further contact, and that H loved ME and was totally committed to ME. We discussed having a face-to-face meeting with the three of us present, a phone conversation with me listening in, or an email which I would read before he sent. We decided on the email, since I knew I would have a hard time controlling my reactions and the OW is also pretty confrontational and aggressive.
We agreed on total transparency and openness. That meant that I would have full access to his work and personal email accounts, cell phone, online accounts, and I would have the option of installing tracking software on his computer, phone, and GPS tracking. (I did all three). We agreed that he must do individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. He agreed to find another job.
I made it very clear to H this time that these were non-negotiables and that if he did not do these things, I would be out the door.
So far, he has followed through with everything. The last hurdle has been the IC, which he has scheduled and will begin this week. I still don't trust him. The burden is now on him to prove with consistent actions over the long-term that he deserves my trust.
If your H is serious about reconciling, he will do WHATEVER it takes to restore your marriage. If he wants his cake and eat it too, he will waffle. It sounds like your H is waffling. And he will continue to waffle until he knows you are serious.
Freebird, you must be prepared to follow through with consequences if he doesn't meet his end of the bargain. Those choices may be difficult, like separating indefinitely until he is ready to agree with your terms, but the boundaries are necessary. Also, don't just take his word for it. Insist on proof for what he says. If he loves you and wants to restore your marriage, he will agree. If he's not serious, he will put up a million excuses.
Where's the "standing ovation" emoticon???
THIS is precisely how it must be done. Is it a guarantee? NOPE. But I can pretty much guarantee you it WON'T work, if you DON'T do these things.
Letting the cheating spouse back into the marriage, too quickly and TOO easily, is the #1 mistake I see people make.
