RealTime Communication feedback/critique

[Starsky309]

W: Hey. Just wanted to let you know that X had gastric surgery last Thursday and went home Sunday morning. She was rushed back Sunday night and Monday morning they discovered that she lost a staple and was leaking GI fluid. Honestly she almost left us yesterday. She had wash out surgery but Dr. couldn't find the leak so they're sucking out her bodily fluids trying to allow enough time for her tissue to join to avoid further GI leak. Getting lots of antibiotics and has a team of specialists dedicated to her recovery. I've been with her since Sunday night and will likely be here another few days while they test for leak issues after heal time.

Me: I'm sorry she had complications, I will say a prayer for her. What hospital is she at? If you would like to talk anytime call me anytime, or if there is something I can do for you or the kids just say the word.

W: We are at X in X You can tell your mom to pray if you like. Ex-H dad is staying with the kids at the house this week.

Me: With your blessing I will come there tonight, but I understand if you prefer I don't. I offer my support to whatever degree you feel comfortable. You bet. Anything else, just let me know. Gotta run -- hang in there.

W: If you have any free time and you want to do me a favor your can order her a small flower arrangement with flowers that aren't too scented (so she doesn't get sick). I will pay you back for them but it'd be nice to see something pretty in here since we'll be here all week.

Me: Like that wasn't going to already happen... You swore you knew me on Sunday ;-)

W: Don't go overboard cause my money is tight till I sell the BMW. :-) Thank you. She will be happy. Please don't write alot in the card. She can't even see so someone will have to read it for her anyway and it's best if it's not awkward, ya know. You did forget our anniversary though. I do know you. You just don't want to admit it. One day you will though.

Me: Understood. But I will never admit to something I didn't do. I didn't forget our anniversary. Your fired me as your husband so I didn't really feel it was an occasion to celebrate, and I didn't think you would have welcomed any gesture. Despite your maybe not wanting to hear it, you need to know that I love you very much and that I will be praying for X, you, and your family, because that's the truth. Can we talk for a minute?

W: Thanks. She needs it. I'll admit I'm exhausted too. I haven't slept but a wink here and there since Sunday. It's tiring. No, I gotta stay in the room with her.

Me: Is nobody else coming to give you breaks? Your Mom or Sister? I can come and give you a break.

W: Mom and Sister are here during they day. They don't have sitter in the evening. Patient's exH helps. She doesn't want anybody to see her.

Me: I'm en route to hand deliver flowers unless you specifically order me not to. Let me support my wife and family during this time of crisis.

W: Don't come, she has declined visitors in the last hour and doesn't want to see anyone except me Mom and Sister.

At this point she calls me and vents for about ten minutes with the details of what's going on. I just listen and validate her feelings, nothing about us. As we're getting off the phone I say I Love you W and she says I know you do, thank you H.

Time passes

Me: How is X and how are you?

Her: Moving her to intensive care. I'm as good as expected. Tomorrow morning is key. They'll chekc for leak and more infection.

Me: Please call me anytime if you want to talk to someone and keep me posted. I am here for you and will get on the road in a minutes notice. Ok? I really wish I could be there with you.

W: I'm fine. I'm not the one who needs support right now so don't feel bad. I'm good. Thank you though

Me: I know you. I know how you're taking on a majority of the support responsibility and not sleeping. Anything you need or I can do say the word. I love you. You do need support you're just too strong to ask for it. Please get some sleep.

This morning I texted her "Good Morning, How's she doing?" and have received no response. I am somewhat worried but hope that she's sleeping. Given our discussion yesterday it is quite possible her sister may have passed overnight.

I sent the flowers with just a get well soon message on the card.

I would appreciate any feedback on this communication exchange I know I am violating some of the rules, but given the nature and seriousness of this situation I feel it is important to be ME in this case and be a loving and supportive husband. I don't think it's appropriate for the reverse psychology mindgames that DB sometimes requires for now, for example she needs to hear and know that I love her and will do anything for her and family given her sister could very well be on her death bed.

Thanks any advance for any feedback you can provide and good luck to all with your respective sitch's!

Way overboard; smothering and pursuing. I fixed it for you, though.


Starsky

[Broken74]

Thanks Ro and Starsky, I appreciate your feedback.

Starksy I agree, I was way too verbose, she called me earlier and we spoke for a few minutes I kept it to business and no ILY's etc. She updated me on how things were going, wanted to thank me for the flowers and let me know she was going home to spend the night with the kids for whatever reason. I just listened and validated.

Ro,

One thing I didn't say was that she has effectively forbidden me from seeing my stepchildren. It's not that I don't want to see them, I've asked. I went around her and have asked my oldest stepson just now to see if he'd like to play tennis or grab Japanese food next week. It's not that I don't want a relationship with them so much as if she's forbidden me to see them during separation then why would that change if we divorce.

In terms of seeing someone else. She inked the separation papers. GAL to me is living a life that I enjoy living. A gorgeous woman presented herself and wanted to spend time with me. My W has been admittedly dating her affair partner. I'm not going to take any bad guy role in that scenario.

I do have a lot of work to do on me. I have been doing everything in my power to save my marriage. Often times doing the wrong things, but doing the things that I thought needed to be done. Books and lists are great but matters of the heart are not scientific nor cut and tried.

I have been as supportive as I know to be my W and stepkids through all of this and continue to be. I have given her the space she wanted. I have supported my stepchildren in the only way I know how since she won't let me see them. I am ending this relationship with my lady friend in the hopes that the tides will continue to turn in my direction and that my W keeps pulling in my direction.

Everything that I've written in the past can't be taken at face value. I have literally lost my mind at times through this ordeal. I wouldn't wish the last 8 months of my life on my worst enemy.

So admittedly I am a self serving tool at times. But if I didn't want to fix and improve my relationship with my W and stepkids (which will be much more challenging that other options) then I certainly would not be wasting my time here.

All I have wanted in the last 8 months is a chance. I am hopeful that I may be getting one sometime in the future, only time will tell.

Thanks again for your guys feedback and good luck in your respective sitch's!

[2thepoint]

"All I have wanted in the last 8 months is a chance. I am hopeful that I may be getting one sometime in the future, only time will tell.

Broken, if all you want is a chance, then why do you purposely sabotage your chances by succumbing to temptations that have the capacity to permanently derail any chance you may have?

You need to remain focused on that "chance" you want. If you turn your focus elsewhere, you might as well be looking into the eyes of Medusa. And we all know what happens then, don't we?

[BFloat]

broken,

i posted you way back when and then i just had to stop for the the reasons OT wrote. you only wanted to hear what you wanted to hear..and had a reason/excuse for everything else.

way back when it was mentioned about the verbal abuse.. you minimized the effect it had on your wife but at the same time you admitted to being drunk and couldn't remember what you had said. and even after you had separated w/ your wife.. some of your posts clearly indicated that you were still verbally abusing her by your choice of words or her when things didn't go they way you had expected. yes.. maybe she did aggravate the situation by using abuse language herself but guess what? verbal abuse + verbal abuse doesn't negate the fact that it's happening. it just means you were both being verbally abusive.

i still hear a lot of me me me. i did this for her.. i did that for her.. i deserve this.. i deserve that.. go back and read some of your earlier threads.

and this whole thing about this new woman.. who is gorgeous.. and much younger.. why does younger mean better? no strings attached? no baggage? maybe you're thinking.. ok BF.. you're just a bitter 37 yr old because you're not in your 20's anymore. that's fine. think that if you will. i'll have to agree w/ OT and this old bitter woman doesn't believe you are a man only a fool would leave. but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way.

i'm not even going to go into the kids issue. maybe another day.

wish you luck.

[scaredsilly]

don't know how to use quotes but:
"So admittedly I am a self serving tool at times. But if I didn't want to fix and improve my relationship with my W and stepkids (which will be much more challenging that other options) then I certainly would not be wasting my time here."

when you start coming here to "fix and improve" yourself, you will finally NOT be wasting your time here.

[Broken74]

2thapoint, barelyfloating and scaredsilly, Thank you very much for your posts.

2thapoint, you're right. I didn't intend to get involved with another woman. After my wife fired me and still put in my face she was engaging with her affair partner I was vulnerable. I am ending things with the woman I have been seeing.

Barely, I appreciate your input. I don't think you're bitter in any way your insight is always helpful. I was a verbal abuser because I was an angry drunk. I am sober now. I have said some not nice things to my wife since I stopped drinking, but I haven't been verbally abusive since the "straw that broke the camel's back" episode. The only thing that I feel I deserve is another chance. If my actions as of late in terms of being there for my W don't prove that, then so be it. I don't see how my dealings with another woman play a role in that up to now, my W if still on her affair partners friends list at a minimum, and despite that I am there for her in any way at the drop of a hat.

scaredsilly, one of my problems is sometimes my tone and the way I write and say things come out wrong. I don't mean to imply that I'm wasting my time here because that would be disrespectful to everyone who has graciously taken their time to read and post to my threads. I am saying the only reason that I am here is to try figure out how to fix things in my marriage. I know I made a mistake in starting to see this other woman and am correcting course now. And I am working on me, most important change being my sobriety. I am 100% confident that if I had not been drinking during my marriage I would have never have found this site.

IN BREAKING NEWS, I dug out our marriage certificate. Turns out that my W is the one who had our anniversary wrong... It is as I was planning on this Monday the 21'st. This is going to leave me some thinking to do now that she got all spun up thinking I forgot our anniversary. I got two very nice pictures framed that are very meaningful that I will need to decide if I am going to give to her or not. And also my stepson does want to play tennis with me next week which is a plus!

So I am thinking this... She is HIGHLY CONFIDENT that I missed our anniversary, so much so THAT I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT I HAD GOT CONFUSED AND MISSED IT... lol On Monday I'm thinking of doing the following. "Good Morning, hope you had a good weekend. I still can't believe you thought I missed our anniversary... Exactly how confident are you in that allegation?" If she still swears I missed it I'll ask, how about a little wager. If I can prove you wrong you let me take you out on a date... Reeks of pursuit and bad idea right?

The saga continues... Thanks again for your guys input and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[oldtimer]

1. I believe the point being made was that you should work on YOU.
2. The problem with your25 y.o. Is that you've been using her and lying to her and probably W about what is going on.
3. If your W forbid contact with her children, why are you going behind her back?
4. You continue to mnimize your abuse.
5. Stop pursuing your W. Why don't you spend the anniversary at AA and discuss making amends and owning the harm you've done.

I assume I was right about the partying with the 25 y.o. as you avoided the question. How does that fit with sobriety?

In general, you seem to have low self-esteem and seek women who you think little of who should be grateful for what you have to offer. "hey, I don't beat her, I verbally abuse her. Hey, I may ignore the kids, but I give them money. Hey, I'm a self-interested tool who looks down on my w, but look at her body that I had to fix, she's lucky to get any man to do her. She's damged goods after all "rape" yeah right, she was a little tramp begging for it. She's an idiot to leave the best she'll ever get."

You may not feel that way. But that is what your actions and words communicate. That is why you are repelling women on these boards.

Until you work on yourself, that is not going to change. These attitudes,actions, behavior predate your R with W. They have nothing to do with her or your M.

Work on you.

[oldtimer]

And again, how many women have you been with who have been sexually abused?

[Broken74]

Thanks oldtimer,

Man I cannot do anything right in you guys eyes I swear... I think part of the problem is the way I write these things out.

1) I am working on me, I'm sober. Alcohol has played a significant role in the screwups in my life include my M's.
2) The 25yo knows I do not have a filed divorce. She knows about the charges, jail everything. She does not not I have thoughts of reconciliation so I have been lying in that respect by not divulging that information. I am ending things with her.
3) Perhaps forbid is the wrong word. When we were still arguing and I asked if I could do something with the kids she said no. My oldest SS is 16, the DB coach said I would be in bounds to see if he wanted to do something because he is old enough to make his own decisions. So I did, and he wants to hang out, which I am happy for. The dynamic between me and W is changing for the better, so I don't feel like I'm "going behind her back" since SS can make his own choices.
4) I am not minimizing my abuse. I own it, I did it, as a result of it and wanting to talk to the OM I spent a night in jail for it. How the hell am I minimizing it now? Look at my recent discussions with my W I paste them word for word. Our communications are calm and reasonable lately, because I have finally PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST. My abuse is in the past too so I AM ALSO LETTING IT GO. I was wrong, IT COST ME MY MARRIAGE. Please explain how I am minimizing it TODAY. It is easy to go back and poke holes in things someone said months ago but my ACTIONS recently are what has my W pulling back toward me. There is more than one way to skin a cat.
5) I went to a number of AA meetings. I have made my amends with people I wronged and continue to do so. If I am tempted to drink I'll go to another meeting, I'm sure this will sound conceited but I have better things to do with my time.

The 25 year old's aunt was killed by a drunk driver. As a result she has never drank, never will, and will never be with a man who drinks.

You're right I have self esteem issues. I grew up as an overweight kid and weighed 300lbs at one point. When I got into shape for the first time in my life I morphed into the self centered prick here who can do no right.

And no I don't feel that way. If I felt that way why would I continue to put myself through further emotional turmoil to try and save my marriage. BECAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE THAT"S WHY.

As far as I know the only woman I have been with who has been sexually abused was my W, and like I said I don't even know the whole story there. Somehow that probably makes me an a$$hole too.

Man I appreciate the feedback but you guys are killing me. I shouldn't have got into this R with another woman. I get it, I wish I didn't but it happened. When you know your wife is continuing to see the man SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH it affects your judgement.

My sitch with my W is the best place it's been since it started. I am happy about that. I hope it continues to improve. I hope she is coming to me in her time of crisis because she's having second thoughts. It's entirely possible that she came to me because because money is tight and she needed something. I willingly am putting my heart on the line because I LOVE HER.

We had this exchange this morning and I am leaving her be, she knows how to reach me if she needs something or wants to talk:

Me: Hey, I hope you got some good rest last night. Any update?

W: She's in a regular room and is improving. I'll be leaving the house soon and going there to stay for the next few nights. Thanks for the plant it's pretty.

Me: Good I'm glad to hear it. You're welcome, I hope the card was appropriate. If you need anything let me know ok? I'm not going to pester you because I know you have a lot going on.

Hey, maybe I managed not to $*@" that one up!!! lol

Thanks again oldtimer and everyone who has taken the time to read and post, and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[AprilT]

Broken I would say now is the best time to do things that you want to do to improve you. Things that don't involve other women! LOL.

Seriously though, we are all on here for one reason....and the people that respond do not know us, they are responding based on the words we use. I would say they are the best recourse we have to make us look at the man/woman in the mirror. Now is the best time to improve on you....and become the man your W fell in love with. Possibly even a new and improved version that she just cannot live without!

Hang in there, put on your kevlar and buckle up! The ride is still going strong!