this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

journaling:

so much has taken place over the last week and a half - i don't even know where to start.

the school trip to Boulder was a blast - i had so much fun with all my friends - and laughed a lot and was really relaxed. several new 180's that were big for me - going on a long car trip without getting anxious and stressed ,driving on the highway for 3 hours straight without a hitch, driving alone on my own in an unknown town, keeping myself grounded and happy in spite of being around h, keeping my boundaries.

i made everyone laugh so much, that it surprised me - i'm discovering that i have a great sense of humor, that warms people toward me and it feels really good. i connected with a couple of other parents in a really deep meaningful way - who came to me at the end of the trip and said they were in awe of what i am becoming.

a ton of stuff happened between h and myself - the interactions were very different - and very unexpected!

when we got back, i was pleased - it seemed as if the ice had definitely broken between us - or from him. actually all i felt was relief - relief that we could be around each other with no tension whatsoever, and that we may have taken a baby step towards just being relaxed around each other.

i really did not see it as anything huge - just that okay, h allowed us to just BE, without all the drama etc.

but after that - he has pulled back really hard - when we are around his family (mother's day and his mom's birthday), but in between, he's stopped by the house twice - acting really friendly and wanting to do stuff here, but both times without calling.

i let the first time pass, but yesterday when he did it again, i just quietly said no - he wanted to clean up a fallen tree in the back yard that has been there since last summer. he was shocked when i said no and replied but i have the chain saw now and i just said quietly that it wasn't; such a great time for me.

yesterday - i went to IC and described what i thought were several baby steps that h has demonstrated - and C shot down most of them - seeing them as manipulation, and then saying that some of them were definitely signs of hope in this situation.
she ended up by telling me that i seem to give my power over to men completely, and that even though parts of me are really strong and amazing i have this helpless side that seems to emerge with h.

i came out of there utterly confused and really unable to see clearly in what way i do that.

she thought that a lot of what h did on the trip, was an attempt to "show the world" that he and i were good and that this was mutual, and that i had played the role in helping him to give that image.

i started to feel really angry at h, and even angrier at myself for letting that happen and not seeing it for what it is. my own conscious motives were to go with the flow, show h and s that we could have fun together and be relaxed.

oddly enough, even though h and i were making the effort, s wouldn't have much to do with it - he downright shunned our efforts to co-parent together(this was done by h, which really surprised me)

so now, i will continue with my own efforts to get my work going and keep moving forward.

it really helped to read last night on the mlc boards and i know that this is just all part of the process i have to go through as i expand and grow.

part of what i've been really struggling with over the last couple of weeks is whether i want to give this up and walk away - it has been a torturing thing to go through. it's the easy way out - because i see what it really means - to give up and walk away is to stop my inner growth and to really discover and be the person i am meant to be. to avoid the pain which is essential for my growth.

now i have to ground myself again and have faith that this was given to me for more than the mere reason for the chance to better our relationship - it has been given to me so that i can really see myself for who i am, discover what i need to change and have the courage to make those changes.

my sweet friend said a couple of things to me the other day - now is the time to just let him be for a while and just focus on falling in love with yourself:) she is so right - the more i love myself, the more i'll be able to answer those questions that i keep asking here.

i am falling in love with myself - i look in the mirror and feel utterly delighted with what i see = is that clear-eyed relaxed looking beautiful woman really me?

Sweet!!