How does one distinguish between it just being the control or manipulation and an actual baby step?
It is best answered by the general response that MLC is something that a MLCer MUST go THROUGH.
IF one's spouse is MLC, while there are the high energy (ie. really "out there" with some of the stuff they do or say) and low functioning (ie. they are unable to function "normally" in any setting, therefore EVERYONE sees something's not quite right)...
not all MLCers are that way. Often, they MLC is more subtle. The MLCer more high functioning (ie. only behaves in crazy making ways in front of the LBS, but otherwise works and socializes as though nothing is wrong)
Imagine two people are going sky diving...
Person number one knows they have a parachute...
Person number two does not know they have a parachute...
As the plane reaches 10,000 feet and the door opens and the instructor starts pushing people out the door...
Well... which one do you think is going to panic?
We all go through transitions in our lives... the difference for many people is that... unlike parachutist # 2 above, they do not panic... with MLC... there is quite often a trigger that we may not even notice, that causes the person to go into crises... let me say that in a more responsible way... the person chooses to panic at that time, rather than allowing themselves to go into the deeper, introspective work that a transition requires...
Parachutist # 1 has different moments of emotion through the entire experience and lands at the bottom, possibly elated, and possibly with just a calm, serene aura about them... (life transition)
Parachutist # 2... well, their arms are flailing all the way down (even though their chute is open) and they are screaming and crying... and end up on the ground in a bubbling pile of emotions... or even passed out... (mid life crises)
I would submit that more often than not, the MLCer sees their spouse as the instructor who pushed them out of the plane... there might be other "causes of blame"... but the LBS may get the brunt of it and appears to be a consistent source of blame in any MLC I've seen.
Now lets say that in parachutist # 2... as they are about 2/3 to 3/4 of the way down... their arms stop flailing... they stop screaming... the just dangle from the chute... and their eyes are open so you are pretty sure they are alive... and not passed out...
In MLC, that might just be a sign that they are working their way through the MLC... these are the "baby steps" the LBS would be looking for...
Control and manipulation... spew and blame... it's often par for the course of MLC... if things seem "better" or "normal"... just wait a moment... the spew and blame will show up again and any random moment due to something you may or may not have said or done...
That's a good part of it in a nutshell... but it's not that simple...
