this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

thanks adinva -

The baby steps you're watching for are the result of something you're doing that's working.

i guess the eternal newbie question is - how do you tell if it's working?

in my sitch - i see h trying to cling to the picture of "helpless LBS" that he seems to keep trying to retain in his mind. whenever he gets a strong whiff of the opposite - i see him trying to "take over" - stopping by without calling, wanting to do things around the house - coming really close, pulling back really hard -

i see that all as part of the whole picture - and don't read all that much into it, as it is more transparent to me than he realizes.

but at the same time, i am wondering if i am doing the right thing - should i allow him to come closer? and i know that sounds like an odd question during our sitches - but i'm not able to tell the difference between what is manipulation, and what is a baby step .

i have asked this question many times over the last few months and haven't got an answer - maybe i'm asking the wrong question, but i don't know how to word it any differently.

i see h keeping himself in the "victim role" by holding on to the idea that "poor him, even though he wants his freedom, he is stuck taking care of me - you know, mowing the lawn - how could zig possibly do that, health insurance - how can she survive without it..etc"

i have made huge strides in showing him that i can manage all this on my own - i haven't asked for any help - and found to my own joy that i am quite capable of taking care of things here at the house.

on the other hand - it's definitely his way of showing he cares(?????) by taking care of the people he loves and feels responsible for.

am i pushing him away by not letting him come over and do things? am i being too independent? or by letting him come and do stuff, am i leaving the door open?

i feel like i already know what your answer is going to be - which is what you already responded with. but i need more , please.

i feel at a loss how to handle this .

i can't tell if i'm focusing on the wrong thing - the detail of what to allow or not to allow? what are my boundaries.

he's got his own house to take care of now, he's adamant that we are better off apart, but he still wants to come over and help?

i know, i know, they don't make any sense when they are in MLC, but what's the best thing for me to do here - let him come over and do what he feels like doing, or draw the line and say - no - if you are leaving, i'll take care of myself completely

thanks for any advice that you have

zig