I told someone on this board my ring story…can’t remember who. But the very short version is that H pissed me off over something and I threw my ring at him (threw the car window) for some good crazymaking ceremony. I haven’t got a clue where my ring is today…
H’s ring hasn’t fit on his finger in a while. He never got it re-sized, so I find myself dwelling on that issue also. The ring belonged to his father, so he would never replace it…but it can’t be that hard to resize it. It is hard to remind myself that my own father didn’t wear a band for years, and he was very committed to my mother at the time he wasn’t wearing the ring.
Quote: Part of me wonders if he is just talking all of this stuff out, and that maybe after he has talked (and talked and talked) about the same subject over and over again it can finally be laid to rest.
Maybe, but Pam you have to set some boundaries for yourself also. Let him say what he has to say, validate his feelings and statements – but I don’t think it will help if you keep agreeing with the man over your past actions. It will almost start the same cycle in reverse. He isn’t exactly Mr. Innocence…and we KNOW what happened when you continued to bring it up to him!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I thought about throwing my ring too, but it cost way too much and I love it... my own personal threshold of pain before launching it into the reservoir. Plus it's my birthstone...
But it was not out of the question either... which makes me that crazymaker too!
And Pamela, I agree with Meredith on setting new boundaries. After all, you guys are forging a new R with each other, aren't you?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: It will almost start the same cycle in reverse. He isn’t exactly Mr. Innocence…and we KNOW what happened when you continued to bring it up to him!
I KNOW!!! Part of me wants to sceam, "Why are you conveniently forgetting that I was crazymaking over what YOU DID!" But, that would go nowhere.
Quote: Pamela, I agree with Meredith on setting new boundaries. After all, you guys are forging a new R with each other, aren't you?
Well, that's what I thought! I just don't know how to approach this, because he can easily say that he's not trying to 'forge' anything, because he still doesn't know what he wants. Part of me wants to ask him where he sees himself in 6 months...or where he'd like to see himself... But, I do not want to pressure or pursue.
My Counselor just called me! She wanted to know how I was, and if my H was talkative after the session last night. I said he was, but that I didn't understand where he was going with it all! I gave her the rundown, and she said she could understand why I was confused! She also was surprised at some of the things he brought up because it had nothing to do with what they discussed. She said he has a great fear of "what if this doesn't work out?" She said she is working on him to quit dwelling on the negative and start making positive changes. I told her that I have no idea which direction he is going, and that I can't keep rehashing the past, and she agreed. She said we will "work on this" next week. Oh, yes, I was invited back into the group!
Wow, instant update- My H just called me. I told him the C called. He asked what we talked about. I told him all, including my confusion. He seemed really sad about this. He asked if I really didn't understand what he was trying to say. I said I understood him and his feelings, but I have no idea where he is going with it. I said it is very hard to be in limbo, and that I had hoped that we could be only looking on our past mistakes as a way to keep from doing them again, not as a means of dwelling on what went wrong. I talked a lot. Probably more than I should have. But, it felt good to get it out. And he must not be mad, because he joked with me about which outfit I should be wearing when he gets here after a long and tough commute home. I hate Limboland.
I feel like I have been treading water for way too long! I know that I need to look at this as necessary for a great future, but I just need a little teeny bit of reassurance that there may be a future! I don't understand how and why this is getting harder instead of easier!!! Betsey, I feel guilty that I am not giving back to you as much as you are giving to me. I just, right now, need to follow you, as you have a better understanding than I do. I don't like to be a "taker," so the second I find a place where I can be of assistance, I will leap right in! Until then, you have my gratitude. (You too, Meredith and Pattie!)
It sounds like this is working itself out. Your H doesn't want to go back to the M you used to have. He's as fearful as you, but not expressing things the same way you do.
Damn, you have a gem of a guy there, Pamela! Your R talk went fine and you were able to address what has still got your panties in a tangle... he did nicely from what you posted.
Pamela, it's getting harder because you have so much at stake. And you're moving in that direction. I think it's harder to work at something the closer you get to it. After all, look at the Olympics and the national championships that precede them...
You see a skater who hold real promise and then chokes. I believe that the fear of failure exceeds the desire to succeed and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (look at Debi Thomas).
But the real talent lies in those who work hard, come in 2nd or 3rd, qualify for the next round and keep beating out other skaters. They put blinders on themselves to keep the distractions from interfering with their goal to win and they never look back.
You're getting closer to winning nationals, Pamela. Your H is even skating in the same rink. You 2 are circling around each other like sharks... only you don't realize that you're not competing against each other... you're skating WITH each other. That means you both want to come in 1st... because didn't we tell you?
This isn't individual skate... you're skating pairs!
Oh, you just noticed? Put your glasses on, girl, because you've been sharing the ice all the time... you just thought he had left the arena!
And don't you dare apologize to me... I'm learning from you guys too. Because one day my little guppy is going to tell me he's walking back on the ice to finish skating with me too. And I'm going to need someone to help me through it when that becomes reality (do fish skate?).
Relax, have fun. Remember why you started skating with him to begin with? You love him and you enjoy being with him.
So just keep skating, just keep skating...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
What a great analogy! Even IF this all goes in a direction you don’t want it to (and I truly doubt that is going to happen) you're going to be a much stronger skater in the end.
Why don't you start planning that weekend so that you have something to look forward to...
Bets, when our partners come back onto the ice can't we stab them with our skate just ONCE? No? Oh well, can't hurt to ask!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Hmmm. Maybe we could just give them a little innocent push on their butts?
And don't you think the ice rink is a great place to do really abrupt 180s? Though this does not apply to me... I've never been a very good ice skater. I have issues with balance and motion.
Actually, I have more issues than a magazine rack!
So how did last night go, Pamela?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Betsey, Thanks for asking about my night! I guess it was pretty uneventful. As stated, H had the commute from hell. He was pretty tired by the time he got home. But, you know what, Betsey? I am starting to see things your way. I have been way too negative, not looking at the baby steps. Thanks for not taking harder whacks at me at times! I see that I deserved it. For crying out loud, the man is in counseling with me! He is reading some of my books, and discussing them with me. He was very resistant to the books before. Last night, I set my 5LL book on his pillow, not on purpose, but to move it out of my way. He picked it up, and said, "Oh, did you find somethng you'd like for me to read?" HE WAS SINCERE!!! Before, he would have rolled his eyes at me and just moved it out of the way. Of course, on the same token, I would have placed it there on purpose back then. So, we are both moving forward in a positive way.
He thinks things thru FOREVER before he replies. It used to make me so crazy, waiting for a response, that I would push every button I could to get it. Oh my gosh, what wonderous things happen when I shut my mouth! It took him 2 days to tell me that he liked me telling him how I enjoyed his singing... So, I have to figure that the comments from the major discussions from the last few days will come out soon. And guess what? I WILL WAIT PATIENTLY!!! Anyway, last night we sat on the chair together and watched t.v. before bed. He waited for me to come up to bed when he was ready. Life is so much better.
I do have one question: I have not once mentioned the ring issue. Would it be wrong to just mention that I would like him to wear it? I don't know if he even knows that it is a big issue to me. He is trying very hard, so I think he would take that o.k. He may not have given it too much thought, so it may not be as deliberate as what I have been telling myself.
Another snow day today! I told H I would get his stuff together for his trip.
I just got done making eggs, sausage, waffles, toast, and orange smoothies for 3 lazy boys who are thrilled to have a day off! I would be too, if I had someone like me to take care of me!!!
My two cents on the ring issue...keep it quiet for now. I know that it bothers you tremendously, but I would leave let sleeping dogs lie until AT LEAST after the guy trip. If he reads the LL book it has a segment on rings that just might kick a gear in his head that makes him think. Also consider the possibility that you yourself mentioned about him thinking things through for days and weeks…maybe the ring question is already on his thinking register for the week. Wouldn’t you so much rather he put it on through his own initiative rather than at your request?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I figured as much. I just needed to hear it from someone else. You are certainly right, it will mean much more if it comes from his brain, not mine. I will shoo away the insecurities. Like it really matters if that ring is on his finger or not.... It certainly isn't a chastity belt (o.k., whatever they are for men!) anyway.
I don't remember who it was, but somewhere on the board there was a woman who was sweating the same issue - and then for some holiday (Valentine's? Her birthday?) he put his ring back on as his present to her - made a big deal out of it
and I threw my ring at him (threw the car window) for some good crazymaking ceremony. I haven’t got a clue where my ring is today…
