In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

Hi Barely!

In counseling early on I got hit with a 2x4 a few times about assuming that my way was right and H's was wrong. Even if I can explain it in a way that sounds like mine is obviously right and his is outrageous, T would bring me back around.

First, moms and dads are inherently different and for good reason. So H isn't likely to turn into a nurturing mom. Second, H has his own reality that is just as real to him as mine is to me - the trick is negotiating those differences with respect for each others' point of view. So H not hugging and kissing them like I do isn't necessarily an awful thing always. Third, if I had a concern I could ask questions framed as my concern which is based on my own issues or frame of reference. Recognizing that his experience may be different, what does he think about xyz, can he help me understand where he's coming from. I needed to try to have such a conversation without an investment in the outcome of it, in order to hear and understand him.

And apart from IC, I think there are things h has to learn without me telling him because he resists me imposing my "rightness" on him.

What you can't do is make him see or realize anything or do anything. What you can do is tell him when you have a concern and listen to what he says. What you can and should do is talk to your kids, model what you think is right, and encourage them to express how they feel about things and what they need.

You should stop judging H for what he's doing with the kids. Maybe ask questions. If he asks for your opinion then you could offer suggestions.

I'll give an example. My H stays in bed a lot of the afternoon so the kids expect him to be there now and don't even look for him. If I need to do something outside the home, I know they're basically unsupervised if he's home. I don't like it, I think it's wrong. I don't have good answers for you about it. But I no longer judge, yell, lecture, him. I focus on what needs to happen. I make sure the kids know to go ahead and talk to him even if he's asleep if they need to say or ask something. At some point he may decide he's sleeping their lives away, but I cannot help that process.

All I can say is, focus on what your kids need, REALLY need. Do they REALLY need joyful time with dad or are you projecting your wishes on him?

Wish I could help you more, I'm feeling my way through this too.