My own thread...my sordid story.

[Underdog]

Pamela,

I'm glad Meredith is more on your time zone, because she pretty much said what I would have said. I'm going to drive this home for you, though.

What you're going through has been a real problem area for me and Mr. Wonderful. I have been very resentful of his time with the guys or alone and then acted very snotty upon his return. He learned this same behavior from me so that it became a M.O. that spoiled our trips and built even bigger resentment between us.

Our stint with MC this summer really helped me. I know it's tempting to think that using his valuable vacation time in a manner that pleases him is not what you want. And as you noticed, you realize that you fear it means he doesn't value spending time off from work to be with you.

If you, Pattie and Meredith decided to take that road trip west for a girl's DB weekend, would that mean that you didn't want to spend time with him? I'm going to go for broke and bet absolutely not! It would just mean that you wanted to do something special and fun for yourself. Something that your H would not want to do (nor would you want him to come).

I've said this over and over and I'll say it again. What enhances our marriages is having a spouse who has a life outside of us. A life that it centered with others who give our spouses that piece of their pie that we can't fill. And what they bring back to us is not only helpful, but necessary.

I think what you're feeling right now is what I was feeling around Thanksgiving--insecurity because he has not spoken words that you want and need to hear, and his apparent lack of ring wearing is becoming your primary source of concern because it cements his commitment to you.

I think you're going to guess what I'm going to say. You know I have the same exact insecurities (only your H is home, so you're a few steps ahead of me). There are lots of guys who wear their rings who still step out... so don't get your panties in a tangle. The only person you can really control is you. And you and I are both wearing them. That makes a statement all by itself.

And we know that the men have noticed it. Plus, as Meredith accurately pointed out, you are ahead of him in the game and you have the advantage of putting this out here to a zillion people to help talk you through things. He's just bumbling along trying to figure this out on his own. Isn't he lucky to have you for a W?

This will all happen in good time, friend. Be patient. I promise it isn't easy, but you're making progress. So back the hell off and make plans for a girl's road trip!

Betsey