(sigh), You're right. I know you're right. I am glad you took the time to write all of that, because I was ready to break down and tell him how hurt I am by this. Your approach is much better. Thank You!
So, H came back from the solo app't last night ready to talk (and talk and talk). I am exhausted! Mostly mentally. I cannot make heads or tails of what he was going for. I felt, for the most part, persecuted. He told me how much all of my words hurt him when I went on my angry tirades against him. I have explained over and over how I was just looking for some attention, and that I know I went about it the wrong way. I have apologized a hundred times, and more importantly, I haven't acted like that in ages. He just said, "You can't continually shoot me full of holes and then think that I can keep coming back, telling you that I love you." So, what am I to do? Just keep listening to this until he has said it enough times? I apologized yet again, and he said that the apology doesn't take away the words. I told him that when I was that irrational I was just grasping, and that I didn't mean most of what I said. I was just trying for a reaction.
I don't mean to sound like I don't think he has the right to do this. He does. So, I am not angry at him. I am just frustrated, because I don't know what to do!!! He never said any of this, and now we are re-hashing everything I have done wrong for the past 15 years!!! I wish he would have said something then! I have no idea where he is going with any of this. He did apologize for moving at a "snail's pace." Moving towards what??? I have no idea if this is a way of getting thru all of this, or more likely, "these are the reasons I can't be with you." I just want to move forward. I will never act that way again. I havesn't acted that way in ages. My fear? That he knows exactly what I need, but really doesn't want to do it for me. I will not be surprised if that is the next conversation. He seems to think that since we speak different LLs, that we just are too different to be together! I will have to highlight the part in the book about how it is rare for 2 people to speak the same exact LL. I feel that I am rambling again! Sorry, lack of sleep. I once again, layed there and cried while he snored the night away....
How's your sitch Meredith? Anything going on?
I wonder where Pattie has been. I hope doing something fun!
Looks like I may end up with another day off today....
