Didn't think I'd have to come back...

[FreeBird0120]

I have not been to ic yet but called today to make an appt. He refuses to go to counseling because of a negative childhood experience with counselors and his parents divorce.

He says he is afraid to talk to me because he doesn't want to hurt me, make me cry or mad, and that she is the only one of his "friends" that he could talk to without feeling judged or bad. Since D-day I have been emotional and distant, but still trying to work thru the emotions so I can see his point there. I feel like I'm constantly living in fear.

There were boundries set regarding ow. No contact was the main one. Periodically I would ask if he'd seen or talked to her, but they work together so that's made it hard for me to recover. He said he has been working very hard to switch his schedule around at work so he is less likely to run into her, and he's been more affectionate with me to show me he's trying, but everytime is ask about her (which wasn't all the time like he says) wore on him.

There were no consequences set on what would happen if he broke our agreements. I told him that I don't hate him for what he's done but that I'm extremely hurt, and feel like all of the work we've done to get where we are now just evaporated. I'm back to that horrible dark place again.

Our kids unfortunately walked in on our tear filled conversation and he told them what he did and that it wasn't anything that I'd done. We've decided on continuing to work on us, with no contact with ie, but now I don't believe anything he says.

I feel so lost and emotionally exhausted with hardly any faith or fight in me...