Wow, Accuray, that DOES sound just like the Solo Partner description of the distancer. Did she actually phrase it that way, or is that just your summation? I'm curious because I had an exchange with H a couple of nights ago that reminded me of that. H made a series of statements a few minutes apart, and when I "reflective listened" (when you state back what you heard to see if it's what the other person meant to communicate) it sounded as absurd as what your W is indicating -- that it somehow makes sense to her that she SHOULD be able to get more out of the R than she's willing to put into it.
When I presented to H what he had communicated, he at least had the decency to recognize how ridiculous his own words sounded. I know I'm not supposed to embarrass my H, but that wasn't my intention, and I don't know how I can interact with someone that is so inconsistent that I don't know what they're saying.
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I see this parallel to your sitch, your H wants you to pursue him, but doesn't actually want to engage with you beyond getting his own needs met.
I would say he doesn't really even want me to pursue him. He just wants me at his beck and call, like a dog that lays there at his feet waiting until he calls or commands something. I've actually used that reference in counseling. If I were to pursue him as you're suggesting or as you're doing, it would actually be annoying to him. His interests most of the time lie elsewhere.
In the Solo Partner, it talks about the Pursuer eventually getting tired of the pursuit and rejection, and they stop pursuing. That's when the Distancer turns into the Pursuer. I know you said you're okay with that right now, that it feels good to give, but that just sounds like the part of the pursuer/distancer dance where you've reengaged for now until you burn out again. Nothing wrong with a positive spell, I just don't know that you can go it for the long haul. I, for one, find no joy in giving to H. I guess I'm on the other side of the cycle. Scary thing for me is that his role-reversal to being pursuer isn't having any positive affect on me, probably because he's not very good at it. It's similar to what I think I've read in your posts describing your W's efforts as coming across "fake" or uninvested. His old routine of apologizing and promising to "never do it again" has run its course, and he doesn't have any other tricks up his sleeve. A one-trick pony, it seems.
I think acceptance is key to any situation. I'm not one to give up a fight, but neither am I one to take on a losing battle. Sure, I'd rather have a chocolate milkshake, but I like lemonade. I can be content finding happiness in what I can have available to me, rather than pining for something I can't have. Perhaps you're there too; you just happen to be able to do that with your W. I'm glad for you!
