Not Being A Victim

[BklynMom]

Sweetbabyred - I like your idea of an email. Keeps it simple and doesnt let you get caught of guard as I sometimes do during conversations.

Snodderly and Cadet - thanks for your thoughts. Initially I stuck with the program you suggested of telling as few people as possible. However my H hates when he bumps into one of "my friends" or acquaintances that dont know. He always tells me about it, not telling me that he is mad because he is P/A but I know he is. I should tell people "It didnt work out with H. But there is no ill will and we will continue to be friends in order to raise our children"

Now that my H has filed for D my new policy is to live honestly and tell people as necessary.

The 1 yr anniversery of of the bomb is in 2 days. I have spent the past 12 months working on me. I feel like I have given everything I can to show my H that I am a new person. And I am a new person. H said in October he saw my changes. I have evolved even more since. But in H last email to me he said "i have no anger towards you even though i do feel that you treated me really bad in our marriage"

If he has seen my changes why cant he come home? Why does he tell me this is all my fault?? Why didnt he tell me something was wrong before he flipped the switch off? These are all silly rhetorical questions, that I sometimes still need to say.

Here is the full transcript of our entire recent email conversation if you are interested. Thank you all for your feed back it means the world. I think I am down because I just loved my email response to him. Even though I told myself not to expect anything in my heart I was praying for a miracle when he go my email. The truth is this still hurts so much.

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(H email to me)
W
listen, this is not meant to be vengeful or hurtful in any way. i am happy now.

i feel the need to say this because i really don't think you are accepting the situation. if i was cold the other day, it wasn't an attempt to be mean, it's because i worry that my trying to be friendly with you was read the wrong way. we need to be able to be on good terms so we can raise the girls. on the phone the other day, you said you need separation, so i was trying to be more business. i have no anger towards you even though i do feel that you treated me really bad in our marriage. i am trying to look to the future and would hope that we can be friendly when we interact. should we not be so casual like we've been? does that make it hard? i thought we were communicating really well, and was surprised the other day when you said it's been painful, i don't want to cause pain. i was hoping to talk in person, this is hard to email, but i want to find out how you'd like our interactions to be.
thanks,
H

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(My email to H)
H,
I have no greater regret then having treated you so badly during our marriage. I pray that you do not have any regrets in your lifetime as painful as mine.

I am truly glad you have found happiness now. It is also makes me happy to know that you are now honestly expressing your true feelings.

I am a little confused when you say that I am not accepting the situation. I live each day as a single mother. I live the reality of our situation each day. From housework, to making dinner, to walking to school, to kissing boo boos to celebrating each one of D3 & D2 cute little triumphs. I celebrate without a partner. No one will be as excited or as proud of our angels as you and I. Not sharing these everyday moments is something that I deeply miss.

Am I not accepting of how amicable and great being divorced and being friends can be? You have a better shot of convincing me to vote for Mitt Romney then convincing me that being amicably divorced can be honky dory.

I continue to work my Al-anon program and through my recovery I am able to enjoy each blessed day with our beautiful daughters. Al-non-is trying to instill in me that this is not my fault but that may take a while for me to accept. I can let go and let god.

Some people would find that over the last months that I have acted admirably. Many would act worse. You feel a need to write mean things even though I have not said mean things to you. You said I treated you badly. I did make mistakes. So did you.

That the dismise of our marriage, including our friendship & our physical connection as well as the breakup of our family causes me pain is a very normal & understandable reaction. In this area my therapist has helped me understand what my “normal” thought processes are and what are my “crazy” thought processes.

As far as how you should act; you need not worry about me and signals; act the way you want to act - we all want to be genuine.
W

I still believe:))