I've been away from the boards for about 5 months now. Thought it was time for an update. You can find my previous threads here

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I briefly read over other posts in this forum. Saw some oldies but always the newbies. The only thing I can say to the newbies is to listen to the "oldies". They are young at heart but wise when it comes to this unfortunate topic.

As for me, things are kind of at a standstill. It has been a year since my H moved back in. Things were really tense for awhile. But then things settled down and we got into a really good groove. The annual conference he works in January came and went without much of a hitch. xOW was there but I didn't see her. He said he saw her but there was no contact other than some nasty looks. H had some of his buddies come down to help him work the conference. He said he did nothing but extoll my virtues while with them, which was nice. Things were fairly good although we both knew he still had work to do on himself.

In about February or March, he decided he wanted to wean himself off his AD again. He'd tried unsuccessfully a few months back. He didn't like the side effects. So he went off of them. Unfortunately, things kind of went downhill. Many of the classic MLC signs came back. Brooding, disengaged, forgetful, inconsiderate etc. I literally walked into his office, showed him something I got in the mail and he said absolutely nothing and continued working on his computer as if I wasn't there. Was he ignoring me? No. He was just "out to lunch". I know it. But it's still hard to deal with. His willingness to help me with D went down significantly. I became the default person to take her to and from school, deal with teachers etc. I kind of had to take a refresher course in dealing with an MLCer. Except this time, I had to live with him. And to top it off, although I know NOW he went off his meds, he didn't bother to tell me at the time. Now, based on his attitude, I kind of figured that's what happened. But I didn't ask. I figured his choices are his choices. Eventually, after weeks of crap, he texted me and apologized for his behavior and told me about the meds. As much as I wanted to tell him to go back on them, I didn't. He's still on his journey and it's up to him to find his way out. After a few more weeks, he restarted his meds.

I've seen some improvement but he's still not entirely himself. I found a research article recently that stated that much of the AD on the market work no better than placebo. You'd think that might be difficult for him to swallow, but he started thinking that perhaps he can get out of his slump on his own. He's still on his meds for now but it may have given him a slightly different perspective on things.

As for me, I can't say it's been easy. I've worked on refocusing on myself. I DO think that having him come back resulted in me losing some of that focus. But I'm back training for triathlons again. Unfortunately I don't have as much time for my pole dancing classes, but the tri training should help me keep some of my form once I go back to it. I've also started a local meetup group and have met some great folks. But even thought I'm doing these things, I have to say that for the first time since dealing with all this MLC, I question now whether it's worth it. Do I love my H? Yes, I do. When I catch glimpses of his old self I remember why. But he hasn't been around in a long time. And when he is, it's often short-lived. There is no consistency and I think that's the hardest thing. I never know what kind of husband I will have when I wake up, or come home from work.

As a result, I think I've gone into my own mini-MLC. I'm not crazy. I'm not abandoning D or buying a new car. But I am considering things I've never considered before. I don't picture my future and see my H with me necessarily. What does this all mean? I'm not sure. H has noticed the change though. We went running together recently and for some reason, it was carthartic for me. I was just so happy being outside running. I mentioned it to H after we were done and he said "You haven't been happy for awhile". And I think he's kind of right. I guess I'm to the point where I feel like I've done what I needed to do. I have dealt with a lot. And now it's my turn. I need to make sure that my life is where I want it to be. And certainly, having a H who is in perpetual MLC is not it, despite how I may still care for him.

Despite the downsides, I'm still doing well overall. I'm glad we are together for D's sake. And I don't think our R is necessarily doomed. It's just that MLC takes a loooong time and I think he had hoped to be better off than he is right now. I'm glad he's at least aware that he's got issues. He just seems to be spinning in a circle right now rather than making any good forward progress. Having him back on his meds has made a difference. We shall see how things progress.


"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"

M18
Me39,H42
D16
Bomb 1/10
Moved out 3/10
OW 6/10
H wants to R,OW gone 11/10
H moves back 5/11
H wants to wear rings again 9/11