Hi, gang! Just got back from a fun filled day of shopping. Spent LOTS of money, which is very hard on a cheapskate like me!
I thought of you all many times today. Mainly, when I realized that I had to stop myself from calling my husband "H." It's like how Betsey described picturing herself typing when she is sorting out thoughts. I realized I was running things through my DB brain before I replied. That made me want to start my sentences with, "Yes, H, but...." He would have been quite confused, as his name doesn't begin with an H at all!
I ran into my friend whose dad died. She was at the Mall trying to find an outfit to wear. The arrangements aren't even made yet, and will probably not happen until next weekend. I talked to H and he said he would go. He is most uncomfortable with it being a funeral, not with the other stuff. No worries about the OM talking to me. He won't come within 20 feet of me. He is deathly afraid of my H. (Who could snap him like a twig. BUT, he would never do such a thing, honest!) Even if I were alone, I'm sure he wouldn't come near me. Too much talk. My town is the size of a postage stamp. By the way, not that this is relevant, but I NEVER gave this guy any idea that we could be together. I was very clear that my H is the only man I would ever love or want to be with. I know that doesn't sound plausible, but it is the truth. I guess it was enough for him to be my boredom buster.
Anyway, My thoughts today are very jumbled. H and I are having a great time. We shopped all day long. I have noticed a couple of things that are bothering me though... First of all, I am wondering how long I should live in limbo like this. It is quite hard, because he is living here, is doing all kinds of things with me, and talking about long term plans...once again he went into great detail about how he planned on redoing the office. Yet, still no wedding ring, still no "I love you." I don't get this. I am very worried that I will build up lots of resentment towards him for putting me thru this for so long. I mean, he used to be able to catch himself if he were giving me the wrong idea about something. Now he just goes on and on about the future like I'm in it. I told you all before that when he first moved back home he was sleeping on the couch for a few weeks because he was afraid that he would unconsciously touch me during the night and give me the "wrong idea." Last night he came to bed hours after me and woke me up to well, you know..
What gives? If he is moving in this direction, why not put the ring on at least? Maybe I should just ask. But, I doubt that I'm prepared for the answer.
While we were driving I was in the middle of a story about something that I thought was important. As I was talking, he started complaining abouth the traffic. I stopped what I was saying and waited for him to finish. He did, then said, "anyway, what were you saying?" I said, "forget it." He got all indignant, and I said, "i'm not mad. I just need to learn to shut up when you're not listening. I talk so much that I'm sure it is like white noise anymore. So, when I have something important to say, you just block it out like the rest of the not so important things I say. So, my new rule is to just stop talking when you are not interested or when you say you don't want to discuss something." End of story. It wasn't mean, or meant that way. I just wanted him to understand that I wanted to be listened to. QUALITY TIME, H....QUALITY TIME!
So, that's today in a nutshell. He did make me go into a few stores to buy myself some things. I'm really bad about that. So, I got some pants and more workout clothes. I also bought about $50 worth of candles at Linens n Things. No, $50 is not a lot of money, but honestly, I break out into a cold sweat when I spend on something like candles! It just seems so frivolous!
Heard from Tracy today. She says she is doing "great."
