Pamela, Take your H to the funeral home. Try to time it when lots of people will be there. (You can get lost in the crowd.) See your friend, then get out!
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Quote: I guess all I can really do is be as nice as possible if he is around, and he can see the changes for himself.
By George you’ve got it!
As for the funeral dilemma… If it were my dilemma I’d do this. Ask H if he wants to go, his presence should be up to him. If he says he does, great. If not, then you’re better off. Whether he agrees to go or doesn’t, Pattie has the right idea. Pay your respects while competing with the wallpaper. Don’t be too known, and if OM does nab you be cool and polite and walk off. I would also make sure the flowers you send are from you AND H because then it links you as a couple and makes up for his non-appearance if he doesn’t go.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Hi, gang! Just got back from a fun filled day of shopping. Spent LOTS of money, which is very hard on a cheapskate like me!
I thought of you all many times today. Mainly, when I realized that I had to stop myself from calling my husband "H." It's like how Betsey described picturing herself typing when she is sorting out thoughts. I realized I was running things through my DB brain before I replied. That made me want to start my sentences with, "Yes, H, but...." He would have been quite confused, as his name doesn't begin with an H at all!
I ran into my friend whose dad died. She was at the Mall trying to find an outfit to wear. The arrangements aren't even made yet, and will probably not happen until next weekend. I talked to H and he said he would go. He is most uncomfortable with it being a funeral, not with the other stuff. No worries about the OM talking to me. He won't come within 20 feet of me. He is deathly afraid of my H. (Who could snap him like a twig. BUT, he would never do such a thing, honest!) Even if I were alone, I'm sure he wouldn't come near me. Too much talk. My town is the size of a postage stamp. By the way, not that this is relevant, but I NEVER gave this guy any idea that we could be together. I was very clear that my H is the only man I would ever love or want to be with. I know that doesn't sound plausible, but it is the truth. I guess it was enough for him to be my boredom buster.
Anyway, My thoughts today are very jumbled. H and I are having a great time. We shopped all day long. I have noticed a couple of things that are bothering me though... First of all, I am wondering how long I should live in limbo like this. It is quite hard, because he is living here, is doing all kinds of things with me, and talking about long term plans...once again he went into great detail about how he planned on redoing the office. Yet, still no wedding ring, still no "I love you." I don't get this. I am very worried that I will build up lots of resentment towards him for putting me thru this for so long. I mean, he used to be able to catch himself if he were giving me the wrong idea about something. Now he just goes on and on about the future like I'm in it. I told you all before that when he first moved back home he was sleeping on the couch for a few weeks because he was afraid that he would unconsciously touch me during the night and give me the "wrong idea." Last night he came to bed hours after me and woke me up to well, you know..
What gives? If he is moving in this direction, why not put the ring on at least? Maybe I should just ask. But, I doubt that I'm prepared for the answer.
While we were driving I was in the middle of a story about something that I thought was important. As I was talking, he started complaining abouth the traffic. I stopped what I was saying and waited for him to finish. He did, then said, "anyway, what were you saying?" I said, "forget it." He got all indignant, and I said, "i'm not mad. I just need to learn to shut up when you're not listening. I talk so much that I'm sure it is like white noise anymore. So, when I have something important to say, you just block it out like the rest of the not so important things I say. So, my new rule is to just stop talking when you are not interested or when you say you don't want to discuss something." End of story. It wasn't mean, or meant that way. I just wanted him to understand that I wanted to be listened to. QUALITY TIME, H....QUALITY TIME!
So, that's today in a nutshell. He did make me go into a few stores to buy myself some things. I'm really bad about that. So, I got some pants and more workout clothes. I also bought about $50 worth of candles at Linens n Things. No, $50 is not a lot of money, but honestly, I break out into a cold sweat when I spend on something like candles! It just seems so frivolous!
Heard from Tracy today. She says she is doing "great."
Pam, You shouldn't feel bad about any of the stuff that happened because you came through it all so well.
You and H are working on things and that makes you both winners.
Please forgive yourself and move forward.
My thread is in the Hopefulness forum. Under Knowledge Is Power or KIP
anyway my H's E/A P/A has been over for almost a year. It took him awhile to let go. Then I of course had some problems with residual or delayed anger at all that went on. Thats what I get for being so nosy!!!
We are doing extremely well. Better than we have in many many years.
You have some great buddies here!
Kim aka KIP
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
I think you suffer from a similar issue as I do... the fact that people don't listen. I've had that problem for a really long time, but when it hit home was during one of my sister's visits here a few years ago.
I was having a conversation with everyone, when Mr. Wonderful and D9 just got up and walked away. I was VERY hurt... my sister stopped and said, "What is up with you, MW? And Niece, I think you were very rude to walk away when your mom was telling a story."
Mr. W. mumbled something and D9 started to cry. My sis told me after Mr. W. moved out that the incident had really bothered her (because she had known it was not an isolated incident). She also knows one of my favorite sayings: the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
But I also know that there were times that I started a conversation when Mr. W. was not "there". When I really need him to listen, I tell him, "I really need you to focus on me for a few minutes."
QTime is a very close second LL for me. In fact, Mr. W. tagged me with that label. But I realized that the only way I felt loved with QT was if words were spoken that affirmed me...
Ironically, he accuses me of the same. But mine originated differently. I grew up in a very small house (1000 SF amongst 5 of us). I shared a room and our house was perpetually noisy. I learned how to tune sound out so I could focus on what was important... back then, it was my school work (and I made straight As).
So when I went off to college, I made ok to good grades. When I made the dean's list (my junior and senior years), I left the library behind and remained in my room with either the stereo going or General Hospital on. I had brought my roomie home with me one weekend (whose name is also Betsy) and she sat through dinner, complaining that she felt it was unfair that I stayed around the room and watched TV while she studied at the library.
My mom and dad were very amused and sat through dinner smirking. I finally defended myself, by telling her I WAS studying, but I need noise to focus on what's important. Then I whipped out my dean's list certificate as a present to my dad...
My point is that noise is almost blood in a shark's water for me to get serious and focus. I can tune anyone out, regardless of their noise level. It pisses him off to no extent.
But I tell him nicely (and have told him this repeatedly during our marriage, which he has absolutely REFUSED to do) that the way to get my attention is to say loudly, "Bets, I need you here!" He says "I shouldn't have to do that."
Well, I hope that he decides to do it if it works... because that is something I probably cannot change at this point.
Can you do the same with your H? Tell him when you need him to just listen? I know you think it's not fair (based on what Mr. W. said to me), but it would help him figure out that you do have needs and he's called to fill them once in awhile.
Just a thought... and sorry for my rambling...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Just a thought... and sorry for my rambling...
For the record, I love your rambling!
I absolutley follow the same principle that the opposite of love is indifference. You certainly can't work up the emotions that it takes to hate if there is no feeling there.
Just this morning I pulled H aside and started to tell him about a conversation my son had with me last night. (My S2 is so open with us, he tells us just about everything that is going on in his life) Anyway- of course, H got sidetracked again at the start of the conversation. I just let him walk away again. A few minutes later, I sat on the couch and said, "I'm going to finish this story now because it is important." He looked surprised; I'm quite sure he didn't remember that I had started that talk! So, I guess I took your advice before I even read it!
I, too, grew up in a small house with a total of 7 people in it. Maybe that is why as my H says, I can "sit and read a book while the house falls down around me." How funny, Betsey. You brought up something that is true to me too; something that I never really put a lot of thought into. My new goal: Limit my daily words to H. Maybe it will work in two ways- 1. He will listen when I talk because I won't be doing it as much. 2. I will leave room for him to talk! Hmmm, I wonder what he has to say????
Thanks for making me think. It's funny how I stick something that I think may be insignificant out there, and you hone right in on it.
Wow. Now you made ME think. Limit my words to Mr. Wonderful... good idea. I think I chatter too much sometimes. But you're right: some stories ARE important.
And BTW, I'm pleased as a pig in crap to see that you finished your convo with your H. I'm glad that caught his attention. This is good advice for me too... because I've always gone off to sulk about his indifference to my conversation rather than take the bull by the horns and deal with the problem (and obvious resolution) itself.
Ironically, ignoring someone has been his family's MO when angry for decades. I realize that it's ingrained in him... though I see now (through the amazing crystal ball of time and healing) that he has been angry with me for a very, very long time. And that's how he dealt with it.
Time to get dressed and get shopping! I took your advice yesterday to heart!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well, we all know that I have a fear of becoming a stepford wife, right? I've only mentioned it a few million times... Anyway, I started to feel badly about just accepting the fact that my H wasn't listening to me. So, I went back to the couch AGAIN and said, "I want you to know that it hurts my feelings when you don't listen to me. I'm trying to stop talking so much, but it isn't just to make things better between us, it is to keep myself from being hurt all the time when I have to trail off mid sentence and walk away because I know you aren't listening." I just smiled politely, and walked away. No attitude, no anger at all. After that, I kept myself busy with cleaning the house. Of course, I wondered: did I do the right thing? Did I just cross some sort of line? WELL, I guess it was all good...
About 2 hours later my H came and put his arms around me and asked, "are you o.k?" I said I was, and he said, "You've been snapping at the kids." (I raised my voice slightly at my youngest son who once again developed a headache out of thin air when he heard there was work to be done around the house). He then asked, and this is BIG...if I'd like to go to his soccer game. Mind you, I have not been invited to go along in a LONG time. I brought it up about a month ago, and told him how much I miss watching him play, and that as soon as he said the word, I'd go. Well, he just kept leaving each week without asking me. I have no idea why today, but I will just be thankful for it. We had a great evening, and of course I remembered to compliment him on how he played! I'm glad I finally did something about feeling bad. I should give him the benefit of the doubt more often! Maybe, just maybe, he's not TRYING to hurt me- he's just acting the way he has for years...all those years I was feeling lonely and never saying a word (or the right word) about it!
Man, all these revelations are too much to think about!!!
