At the beginning of this year I ran into some friends coming out of the bank. Our children had been in soccer and school together. They live a few hundred yards from our house and over the years we had spent time together, birthday, graduations parties and the like.
When I ran into them they seems shocked and uncomfortable leaving rapidly. I chalked it up to XW posting about our D on FB and dismissed it. A few weeks ago I was visited by our neighbor. He wanted to know how I was getting along. I was surprised he knew about the D and asked how he came to know. He had received a Christmas letter from XW outlining the D, her reasons, how she was growing, and what she hoped to accomplish in the future. The Christmas letter came with the Christmas card she sent. I was a little taken aback by the manner she chose to announce our D. It did not bother me much and I chose to let it go.
About a week ago my boss informed me his family had received the same Christmas letter. I made a discreet inquiry of other people on what used to be our Christmas card list. It seems XW decided to send a copy to everyone. This began to bother me. I vented to some friends.
Of course I received support from my friends and the discussion prompted some more introspection I would share here.
When I met XW she was estranged from her parents a runaway. I was a newly minted Marine Sergeant full of confidence. She was struggling to make a life for herself. Everything I touched became golden. Thus began our dance. When the music began to die fresh drama would ensue and the dance continued. We became comfortable and tired in our roles. This is too simplistic of an explanation to cover the scope of our life together, but it will serve here.
Recently she grew and began to attempt to rescue. The rescuer has a control component. I resist control for I too am predominately a rescuer. Our children by their nature will not accept control easily. My mom will not be rescued. She asks for assistance with a clear boundary. XW eventually found people to rescue and transferred many emotional attachments to those. She asked me once why I thought she did this. My answer now is considerably better informed than it once was. Too late, but knowing provides some solace.
When our music began to die fresh drama ensued. I did not see her projects with the same perspective she did. I could not rescue with her when she tried to enlist me. Tired of the drama I began to push her to reconcile with her parents. I think she perceived this as a betrayal. Trying to move on, to grow I was pushing her to grow with me as she was pulling me to join her and her projects. The further we went the further apart we became.
Her Christmas letter is another repeat of the pattern an attempt to start the music anew. I am cast as the villain, she the victim struggling against great odds, a heroine to be admired and supported. Not the same, but still similar to the girl I met so many years ago. Less a victim, yet still victimized. It is a repeat and attempt to move on to find another partner upon the triangle. Not directly, her story forms the basis of her reality, what she is moving to.
I understand now how clearly I contributed. I see the battle, no longer am I in the firefight. Moving on I will choose to associate with greater care finding another upon a similar path with similar growth. I require a drama free zone. Will I attain this, no not 100% of the time, but right now a drama free zone is very attractive.
As I cycle through this journey again there is no blame to assign. We each played our part. I pushed, she pulled. From my perspective she wanted to go back down the rabbit hole and I wanted to find another place to be alive. I feel sad for her as she repeats. I cannot accompany her on her journey and be whole. Of course I still love her we have shared too much to not. I do not like this persona or the journey she is on. It is toxic to me. These are my rationalizations for abandoning our relationship, my reality to use as a basis to move on from.
Have I finally accepted all of this? I cannot state true as I will only know after when I cease cycling, when the next adventure begins. Wiser from this one I am.
What has God left for me to teach myself?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
