I have decided to move myself over to this section, even though H and haven't "officially" decided that we're piecing, but there are many indicators that could point to this. And there are also a couple of things that haven't been settled yet (that I wish were settled, which would really mean that we're R).
First things first, here are the links to my threads...
A quick summary of my sitch: H dropped the bomb the day after Thanksgiving. Things were pretty bad, as they are for most of us here. Turned out H was in an EA, ended up kissing OW (that's all I know). H was very angry, blamed me for all things that went bad, pretty much followed the WAS script to the T. H talked about D, splitting amicably, was planning to move out (contacted ads), but held back due to finances. H took off his wedding band sometime in Jan or Feb.
In mid-March, H went away for 2 weeks, a mix of business and family visits, and when he came back he seemed different, like he was warming up again. Said he missed "his wife".
Since then, things have slowly been on the upswing. We are intimate quite regularly, he's been more affectionate - hugs, kisses, more cuddly. He started saying ILY again a few weeks ago, though not daily, but they are becoming more frequent. He put on his wedding band a few weeks ago (not by himself though, I questioned him about it as I had done before, but this time he put it back on). So, it seems like things are looking up. But....
H still refuses to break ALL contact with OW. They used to work together (until last Friday), side by side. I had a hard time accepting that at first, but was able to not drive myself too crazy. He is still friends with her on FB (that was one major communication line before), she's still in his phone contacts, etc.
He says they are "just friends" and that I have to "deal with it and move on". The problem is that I can't move on unless ALL contacts have been cut. I've read in a few places that a marriage cannot start healing unless all contacts are cut, which is absolutely true in my case.
Thankfully, H got a new job that he will be starting next week. I am hoping that it could be just what we need, a new beginning. However, at some point I do expect him to wipe out OW from his life, and to fully commit to the M.
I am feeling very resentful towards H because of his choice to put his "friend" before his W. Every day I wonder how the heck we got here, that it seems to be a very bad dream and I wish I could wake up any second. I know the EA is not the only problem. Of course, there were things that lead up to that and are just as important. But in order to put closure to that and to be able to focus on rebuilding the marriage, I NEED to see that OW is gone 100% (Even if it seems selfish of me).
He says they are "just friends" and that I have to "deal with it and move on". The problem is that I can't move on unless ALL contacts have been cut. I've read in a few places that a marriage cannot start healing unless all contacts are cut, which is absolutely true in my case.
Thankfully, H got a new job that he will be starting next week. I am hoping that it could be just what we need, a new beginning. However, at some point I do expect him to wipe out OW from his life, and to fully commit to the M.
Then I would STRONGLY encourage you to MAINTAIN that boundary, non-negotiable, 100%. Because what you have read is correct -- your reconciliation has no chance if he's still in contact with his affair partner. He needs to end ALL contact, and be transparent with you, for two reasons:
1. So he can, physiologically, rid his brain of the PEAs that are like a rush when he's in contact with her, and go thru the necessary withdrawal; and
2. Do the things necessary to make YOU feel safe in the marriage again.
I'm sorry to be so negative, nhmom, but even WITH committed no-contact, full transparency, and marriage counseling with a GOOD MC trained specifically in infidelity, your chances are DIFFICULT. It can be done (my wife and I successfully reconciled, 5 years ago), but the success rate is maybe 33-50%.
WITHOUT those things??? In my experience, the FAILURE rate is way north of 90%.
Until he's ready to do the work necessary, you really can't begin the very difficult process of "piecing."
I completely agree with you, Starsky. That's why I am still on the rocks, and don't necessarily think we're fully in piecing. I absolutely NEED him to cut ALL contact.
I am trying to figure out how to do it...thinking about a timeline. I don't want to bring it up constantly, because it will drive him away. He knows exactly how I feel, and it hurts so much when he just brushes it off. His best answer is "I'm still here, aren't I?" or "I'm wearing my ring again." While those things are great, they are not enough.
I do want to note all the improvements though, it is just soooo different at home now. Before, the anger, glazed eyes, the tension that could be sliced with a knife.
So what's holding him back to commit? I wish I knew for sure, but he said that he needs to know that I love him, and that he's the only one. He's making this out to be a "this for that" kind of thing. If you do this, I will do that...so completely immature.
According to him, I pushed him away, didn't give him enough attention. His reason for finding the attention elsewhere was that he "thought we were done".
He still doesn't want to go to MC or get any other help, so I feel like the "piecing" part is all on me to figure out. Obviously, neither of us wants to go back to how things to be. And some days I wonder why I'm still putting up with this.
The time to have done it would have been when he asked back into the marriage and the home. "OK, but I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore. These are the things I would need," and then you let them know what your boundaries and dealbreakers are.
Were there ANY consequences for his waywardness? Or did you simply take him back?
So what's holding him back to commit? I wish I knew for sure, but he said that he needs to know that I love him, and that he's the only one. He's making this out to be a "this for that" kind of thing. If you do this, I will do that...so completely immature.
Yeah, us guys can be that way. The GOOD news is, at the end of the day, we really ARE very simple creatures, and women tend to make some of our issues WAY more complicated than WE
He most likely is simply getting some of his emotional, physical and financial needs met by you and the current family/married arrangement, while he gets whatever he feels are missing emotional (and perhaps physical) needs met by OW.
I tend to operate on three very basic, yet powerful principles:
1. "fear of loss" is the most powerful motivation to change;
2. Humans are, at our most basic, "path-of-least-resistance" creatures, and will not change if not forced to (or at least made very uncomfortable if we DON'T);
3. Affairs are highly addictive, and should be viewed as such. Until you separate the addict from the source of their addiction, they will lie to you and pretty much do anything in order to get their next "fix." They will also remain nearly entirely BLOCKED to you emotionally until they separate themselves and go thru withdrawal from their affair partner.
Put even more simply, your husband hasn't fully committed to your marriage because he hasn't needed to, and he is comfortable with the current arrangement.
The time to have done it would have been when he asked back into the marriage and the home. "OK, but I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore. These are the things I would need," and then you let them know what your boundaries and dealbreakers are.
Were there ANY consequences for his waywardness? Or did you simply take him back?
Starsky
Oh, I've said it enough times. And we didn't have an "official" homecoming thing or anything. He just got back from his 2 week trip and was different. His TM while away were increasing, too. So maybe he got a chance to think and miss me? Who knows.
I also received flowers from a friend the week he came back. He went a little crazy thinking they were from a guy. A few days later, he came home with flowers, too.
He says there's nothing between him and OW now. Even if it is true today, he crossed the line and there is no turning back. He said he doesn't "un-friend" people, and that it would be "weird". He also brings up that I was in contact with my ex-bf, and thinks this is the same kind of situation. Whenever I've brought this us, he either just doesn't respond at all (which drives me nuts), or will tell me to let it go.
All I know is that at some point he will need to respect my feelings, even if he doesn't agree. The day will come (soon), and he will need to make a decision.
The time to have done it would have been when he asked back into the marriage and the home. "OK, but I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore. These are the things I would need," and then you let them know what your boundaries and dealbreakers are.
Were there ANY consequences for his waywardness? Or did you simply take him back?
Starsky
Oh, I've said it enough times. And we didn't have an "official" homecoming thing or anything. He just got back from his 2 week trip and was different. His TM while away were increasing, too. So maybe he got a chance to think and miss me? Who knows.
I also received flowers from a friend the week he came back. He went a little crazy thinking they were from a guy. A few days later, he came home with flowers, too.
He says there's nothing between him and OW now. Even if it is true today, he crossed the line and there is no turning back. He said he doesn't "un-friend" people, and that it would be "weird". He also brings up that I was in contact with my ex-bf, and thinks this is the same kind of situation. Whenever I've brought this us, he either just doesn't respond at all (which drives me nuts), or will tell me to let it go.
All I know is that at some point he will need to respect my feelings, even if he doesn't agree. The day will come (soon), and he will need to make a decision.
Well, I do think that the transparency should be mutual. Can you offer to stop contact with your old boyfriend, if your husband is uncomfortable with it? Say something like "Unlike in your situation, my relationship with _____ has NEVER escalated into kissing or anything beyond the 'just friends' stage, but my marriage is my top priority right now, and if it's important to you, I'd be willing to stop contacting ______ if you will do the same with OW. I'm also willing to give you my Facebook password, and you can check my messages to and from him any time you want to -- there's really nothing inappropriate there at all."
(or something similar, depending on how you communicate with this guy).
At this precarious stage of your attempted reconciliation, nh, NEITHER of you should have any friends of the opposite sex, except other married couples. At a MINIMUM, if, say, your male friend wanted to go to lunch with you or something, you should agree "only if my husband comes along."
You husband and you are simply in too fragile of a place right now.
Oh, I've said it enough times. And we didn't have an "official" homecoming thing or anything. He just got back from his 2 week trip and was different. His TM while away were increasing, too. So maybe he got a chance to think and miss me? Who knows.
I also received flowers from a friend the week he came back. He went a little crazy thinking they were from a guy. A few days later, he came home with flowers, too.
Like I said, us men are pretty simple creatures.
Take a "I can't afford to get a divorce right now" for a guy, and throw in a little good-ol'-fashioned jealousy, and that's a pretty potent motivation for him to sweet-talk you and make sure he still has you available as his backup plan (or, more likely, that he has OW as his backup plan if he doesn't feel "loved" enough by you, in this stupid little "test" of his . . . )
The GOOD news is, at the end of the day, we really ARE very simple creatures, and women tend to make some of our issues WAY more complicated than WE