Re: Recently Seperated Part 11

[AlwaysTrying]

KD beat me to it.

It is often suggested by members on this site to use the phrase:

+ "I understand how you feel that way about (insert topic)."

I think that sounds like great advice. I wonder if in this specific context it might make more sense to just say, "I understand how you feel that way." rather than "I understand ho you feel that way about our marriage"

Also, I wonder if "I understand how you feel that way. That must be very hard for you." might be a powerful combo. If you are detached enough to say that earnestly and calm enough to hear what happens next, those words might put her at ease to open up a little.

She might just respond to that with some of her genuine feelings which she probably won't talk about with you directly most of the time because she just doesn't feel safe doing so when you are so upset. At least, that's how my WAS is.

Practice this stuff, NM... because you most likely WILL mess this up initially... but as time goes by and you practice this more and more (and you can use this with ANYONE, so opportunities to practice should be available to you), you will get better at it...

I strongly agree with this. Rehearse the response and figure out what you are going to do to get a break from the situation if you need to calm down.

I've been reading "High Conflict Couple". It suggests that no one ever questions you when you say you have to go to the bathroom. Close the door. Get some space. Calm down. At that point, it's up to you whether you choose to go back into the same room as your wife. If you choose to do so, at least you will be more in control of your responses.


This probably isn't a good idea, but it is something I would try with my WAS:
"I understand how you feel that way." -> bathroom -> "You know, that must be really hard on you." "What?" "Having to make that sort of decision." My wife has opened up to me after exchanges like that.