Hoping my marriage can be saved :(

[labug]

Maggie, you need to figure out who you are, who you want to be. The work you do is for yourself, to move you closer to that vision.

This is not be become someone who fits what you H might want. You couldn't maintain it even if you could ascertain what it might be.

Figure out what YOU need to change to be more in line with who YOU want to be.

You are in charge of your happiness.

[Maggie3]

My H came by to do yardwork today. I was very friendly in the arrangements. When he showed up I was on my way down the street on a walk. We just said hello. When I got home I quickly changed into a cute outfit- I was meeting a friend for drinks and dinner. He came in the house while I was changing and I was very friendly, showing him a cute video of one of our pets and asking how things were, discussing yard ideas, etc. I then told him two pieces of bad news 1)our dishwasher seems to be breaking and 2) I almost had two friends moving in but found out today one is allergic to animals. He took the news in stride. He agreed that I wouldn't want a random roommate. He then told me he is thinking of moving in with roommates back into our old neighborhood I also know that possible OW works around that area. I was very nice and non-chalant. Told him I needed to go get ready because I had to meet a friend at 6. We didn't say bye. When I got home I found 2 receipts from places 2 states away from this weekend...where OW happens to be from

[Maggie3]

Oh- and the reason I came on here was because he also mentioned that he has sold off some of his stocks....I feel like that is a bad financial decision he normally wouldn't make but am wondering if he is doing this to "hide" money from me.

[vera be fierce]

Hi Maggie,

Glad to hear how you handled his most recent visit. His statement about the stocks is a little bit concerning - do you have joint accounts (where you might be able to see any activity)? Is any of your money separated from his (so that you have your own resources)?

[Maggie3]

Yes we have a joint checking account and separate / savings checking accounts. Then we have a savings account which is in my name but we both paid into and could access electronically. I changed the password to that as soon as he
Moved out. I have hidden our tax folders. I don't contribute to his stocks but was told any stocks purchased while married are 50/50. His
Mom is twice divorced and his friend is an attorney so I'm wondering if they suggested this. He keeps saying he is broke but I found these dinner receipts which suggest he took a trip so...

[Maggie3]

Ugh- can't stop thinking about the fact that my H probably went away with the OW to her home town. So gross. I don't even know who is he anymore. And it was mother's day! Old H would never have not spent Mother's Day with his mom
I feel so bad for his mom too who has to sit back and watch while he self destructs.

[Brit45]

I struggled with this and then two weeks ago I don't know what happened I just accepted. It's scary because you think if they're dating - we'll never work out, if they take trips - we'll never work out, if they move in together - we'll never work out. It's all fear. You can drive yourself crazy wondering and you may think you want to know more but the more you know the more it hurts.

Do your best to STOP thinking about it. all the energy you put on their R takes away from you and your R with yourself. You have to put the focus on you.

[Maggie3]

Youre so right Brit- I am just struggling to do it. Mine isn't fear so much, because I don't think I even want an R with him anymore, I think mine is anger. Anger that he could do this to me (I should add that one of the receipts was for brewery with 2 locations- we met at the other and it was kind of our thing. He told me he almost proposed there and we looked into hosting our reception there, etc. so I feel like that's the ultimate betrayal).

I just woke up from the angriest dream. In it I confronted him in my old style of yelling and screaming and we got into a huge fight. I even screamed at his mom (who weirdly in the dream was my coworker). He told me his mom loved the OW and knew everything and was happy for him. I woke up with a stiff jaw, neck and a headache. Hoping some exercise will help.

[wishing, hoping]

I know where you are coming from Maggie. I just found out H took OW up by his family for Mother's Day and they were NOT happy about it. And he spent a whopping one hour with his mother. Our H's are delusional.

[Brit45]

I just woke up from the angriest dream. In it I confronted him in my old style of yelling and screaming and we got into a huge fight. I even screamed at his mom (who weirdly in the dream was my coworker). He told me his mom loved the OW and knew everything and was happy for him. I woke up with a stiff jaw, neck and a headache. Hoping some exercise will help.

oh man I've been there....I knew that H's friend was having a birthday party and my fear was in overdrive. He would bring her, they would all like her more than me. I'm friends with so many of them on FB I'd end up seeing pics of them together, etc. I even woke up in the middle of the night and checked the friend's FB page. Then I had a crazy dream and woke up with my hands clenching the slats in the headboard so hard they ached all day the next day, ground my teeth so much my head hurt. I was so embarrassed of that. and told no one besides my IC. But I want you to know it gets better.

The next week he told me he did take her and I felt like all the blood drained my body. It gets better. I'm not totally fine and happy with it all...just read my post from today...but it does get better. It nothing you want to hear but it's true it takes time.