When it's a one-way street...part 5

[Accuray]

Hi CV, I'm so glad you're feeling happy and beyond your depression, it must be a relief to see that in the rearview. If your current M works for you, great! Finding total acceptance can be more important than finding total happiness.

W told me about a month ago she wanted to define our marriage in terms of "friendly roommates with benefits". When I started treating her that way, however, she didn't like it. We had a subsequent discussion where she basically described that she likes it when I chase her, but she doesn't want to be caught, which is to say that she wants me engaged so she knows things are OK, but she doesn't want to engage herself. I was laughing to myself because it's exactly the dynamic described in "The Solo Partner" which she has recognized without reading the book, that she enjoys being the emotional distancer, that she likes having me pursue, and that she expects more from our relationship than she is willing to put in.

I now believe that's what was at the root of her infidelity, I stopped pursuing her, so she found other men to do so. It didn't go physical because it's not the connection that she wants, it's the pursuit. I think she has come to realize that too, she thought she wanted connection and intimacy, but when I offered it she couldn't do it.

I see this parallel to your sitch, your H wants you to pursue him, but doesn't actually want to engage with you beyond getting his own needs met. I also think, like you, I've been doing a good job of accepting the situation for what it is, dropping my expectations, and not getting disappointed when things don't happen, or when my actions are not reciprocated. It feels good to give, and I'm happy with that. I feel like I'm getting enough so for now it's working.

Accuray