He says they are "just friends" and that I have to "deal with it and move on". The problem is that I can't move on unless ALL contacts have been cut. I've read in a few places that a marriage cannot start healing unless all contacts are cut, which is absolutely true in my case.
Thankfully, H got a new job that he will be starting next week. I am hoping that it could be just what we need, a new beginning. However, at some point I do expect him to wipe out OW from his life, and to fully commit to the M.
Then I would STRONGLY encourage you to MAINTAIN that boundary, non-negotiable, 100%. Because what you have read is correct -- your reconciliation has no chance if he's still in contact with his affair partner. He needs to end ALL contact, and be transparent with you, for two reasons:
1. So he can, physiologically, rid his brain of the PEAs that are like a rush when he's in contact with her, and go thru the necessary withdrawal; and
2. Do the things necessary to make YOU feel safe in the marriage again.
I'm sorry to be so negative, nhmom, but even WITH committed no-contact, full transparency, and marriage counseling with a GOOD MC trained specifically in infidelity, your chances are DIFFICULT. It can be done (my wife and I successfully reconciled, 5 years ago), but the success rate is maybe 33-50%.
WITHOUT those things??? In my experience, the FAILURE rate is way north of 90%.
Until he's ready to do the work necessary, you really can't begin the very difficult process of "piecing."
