Betsey,
Oh, please, let's work on this whole in-laws thing together. I too, need to find forgiveness in my heart for my FIL. It's just so hard!!!
I will give you 2 examples of things he has done:
1. When I lived in the DC area, he came to visit. H and I were 20 years old, with a new baby, and not a cent to our names. When he arrived, we told him not to park in the main parking lot of our complex because he would get towed. He said he'd take his chances. Sure enough, his car was gone in the morning. H took him to pick it up. THe guy said it was $120. H's dad looked at him and said, "I don't have that kind of money" (LIAR! He was living in a HUGE house with his new wife..both of them had great jobs.) Stupid H pulled out our checkbook and took care of it. I think it left us with say, $20 for the next week. I had to call my dad, crying, for loan so that I could buy baby formula. That jerk just left and never repaid the money. (not that I expected him to.)
He did leave behind some clothes by accident--- I tried to send them COD, but was told I couldn't! So, that cost me too!
2. My S2 has been reading since he was 4. When I moved to my current location when he was 6, they tested his reading and comprehension to see where he fit in. They said they stopped testing at an 11th grade reading level, even though he passed that too. Anyway, the kid loves to read! At that time, FIL was visiting again. S2 wanted so badly to read to him! He said, "Grandpa, I want you to hear how I read."
Grandpa, "no."
Son: "Please?"
Grandpa: "I'm too tired."
Son: "Please, Grandpa? I'll go as fast as I can!"

This was 9 years ago and I still get teary-eyed when I think about it.

I could go on and on, but those 2 stories have been the ones that mainly keep the anger around.
I think I mentioned at some point that H says his dad doesn't visit because I am too mean to him. I want to say, "I don't care HOW mean the boys' wives are, I will ALWAYS visit them." I really think if his dad really wanted to see him, he would make the effort. I think H doesn't want to admit this to himself, so he blames me.
He did go recently visit (hey, FIL is in CO...want a new friend? ) to try to work out some issues. And, I am not stressing about the C wanting to see him alone, because he is still working on getting past when his dad walked out on them. It has nothing to do with me.
So, he's a real piece of work.
H says he wants me to be able to be nicer when he is around. Considering it is rare, I should be able to, but then,I think of all the hurt he has caused, and I can't! I think, though, that I was putting on my superhero cape and trying to rescue H from something he did not want me to rescue him from. I guess I need to get it through my head that being nice and congenial to FIL does in no way make me condone his behavior.
I thought about sending him a letter, apologizing for some of my actions. I get caught up, though, in justifying some of my behavior, and then it just sounds accusational, not apologetic. I do want him to know WHY I act the way I do, but I don't know if it is even revelent really. So, I get stuck at: Dear Mr. _____ (Can't bring myself to say, "Dear Dad")
By the way, on Thanksgiving he came to our house in CO (if there's a free meal to be found, he's all over it) for dinner. A friend and I drank a bottle of wine before the meal ever started. At one point, she said something funny, and when I laughed a piece of the salad I was taste-testing shot out of my mouth and into one of the individual salad bowls. Guess who's place setting that one went to? So, when he really pisses me off, I envision him eating my chewed-up, spit-out lettuce! It goes a long way in making me feel better!
Seriously, though, let's work through this one. Do you think a letter is appropriate? Just to clear the air a bit?


on to one last post:

Sadburl,
Thanks for visiting. Isn't it funny how so many of us hear the same things? I had to laugh at you saying, "I never introduced him as my H who is really a loser and not good enough for me."
I am slowly starting to see that it is just my H feeling bad about himself and projecting it on to me. So, I will keep working on this with him, and hopefully be patient about it.
"No one ever died from waiting..." I like that! Sounds like you have a pretty cool MIL.
Keep the faith. I am going to come out better for all of this, I guarantee it! And if I can...well, ANYONE can!!!!