Wow. I am such a slow typist! The last message I saw was Meredith's about Betsey coming clean. I type a letter, come back on, and see that there's a party on my thread! I'd offer to bring the guacamole, but if I make that as slow as I type you guys will be packed up and moved on before I get back!
Well, I DID put myself through college typing. It's one of the things that I do very well--over the past few years (when writing my book), I figured out that I actually THINK better on a keyboard. This is going to sound extremely bizarre, but when things are really tough, I actually have to visualize myself typing the answers to things...
Getting back to reality...
Do you hear what your H is trying to tell you? He wants you to listen to him and validate without offering an opinion on anything. Have you read Mars/Venus yet? Gray gives some lovely examples of how men perceive our need to resolve problems when they're talking.
And ironically, this very same topic came up in MC with us too. While Mr. W. felt I had overstepped my boundaries by trying to pump him up, I felt invalidated by his constant desire to tell me how to fix my life. I can see how both parties feel invalidated by this.
Oh, your FIL isn't so different than mine. When they did call (and before we had caller ID), they used to immediate ask to talk to Mr. W. without acknowledging my existence.
This is still something I'm having to work at so maybe I can hold on to your shirttails? My big assignment this year is to forgive them. I'm still holding on to resentments and grudges for how they've treated me, their grandkids and most of all, their son. It's time to let go.
Time to get a couple proposals done so we stay solvent.
Ciao for now,
Bets
p.s. Yes, I love you guys too much to begin any assignations with your H's. After all, they're probably as idiotic as mine, don't you think? Why on earth would I want to buy more problems?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Kim, Thank you for your kind words. I feel like I am doing things so much more effectively now. But, it helps to get the reassurance, that's for sure! I read your "excellent example to your boys" quote, and I must admit, I felt a huge pang of guilt. This must be the "overwhelming" feeling my H spoke of last night. I know I need to get past that, but to think that I put my own stupid needs (well, what I THOUGHT were my needs) ahead of theirs just makes me ill. I justified things at the time by telling myself that I was never taking any time away from them...I only made plans or talked on the phone when they weren't around. Well, that's not good enough. Honestly, though, I feel I needed to go through all of that stuff to get to where I am today. So, I need to keep working on forgiving myself. One positive, it makes it easier to forgive my H! Now I know a lot of where he's coming from, you know?
Anyway, you really didn't say where you stand now with your sitch. I hope you're in a good place. I will try to find your thread later to see what is going on. Thanks for visiting! I have the best group here anyone could ask for!!!
Quote: I have the best group here anyone could ask for!!!
Why thank you! I think I'll agree!
Quote: know I need to get past that, but to think that I put my own stupid needs (well, what I THOUGHT were my needs) ahead of theirs just makes me ill. I justified things at the time by telling myself that I was never taking any time away from them...I only made plans or talked on the phone when they weren't around.
What needs did you feel were stupid?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Betsey, Oh, please, let's work on this whole in-laws thing together. I too, need to find forgiveness in my heart for my FIL. It's just so hard!!! I will give you 2 examples of things he has done: 1. When I lived in the DC area, he came to visit. H and I were 20 years old, with a new baby, and not a cent to our names. When he arrived, we told him not to park in the main parking lot of our complex because he would get towed. He said he'd take his chances. Sure enough, his car was gone in the morning. H took him to pick it up. THe guy said it was $120. H's dad looked at him and said, "I don't have that kind of money" (LIAR! He was living in a HUGE house with his new wife..both of them had great jobs.) Stupid H pulled out our checkbook and took care of it. I think it left us with say, $20 for the next week. I had to call my dad, crying, for loan so that I could buy baby formula. That jerk just left and never repaid the money. (not that I expected him to.) He did leave behind some clothes by accident--- I tried to send them COD, but was told I couldn't! So, that cost me too! 2. My S2 has been reading since he was 4. When I moved to my current location when he was 6, they tested his reading and comprehension to see where he fit in. They said they stopped testing at an 11th grade reading level, even though he passed that too. Anyway, the kid loves to read! At that time, FIL was visiting again. S2 wanted so badly to read to him! He said, "Grandpa, I want you to hear how I read." Grandpa, "no." Son: "Please?" Grandpa: "I'm too tired." Son: "Please, Grandpa? I'll go as fast as I can!"
This was 9 years ago and I still get teary-eyed when I think about it.
I could go on and on, but those 2 stories have been the ones that mainly keep the anger around. I think I mentioned at some point that H says his dad doesn't visit because I am too mean to him. I want to say, "I don't care HOW mean the boys' wives are, I will ALWAYS visit them." I really think if his dad really wanted to see him, he would make the effort. I think H doesn't want to admit this to himself, so he blames me. He did go recently visit (hey, FIL is in CO...want a new friend? ) to try to work out some issues. And, I am not stressing about the C wanting to see him alone, because he is still working on getting past when his dad walked out on them. It has nothing to do with me. So, he's a real piece of work. H says he wants me to be able to be nicer when he is around. Considering it is rare, I should be able to, but then,I think of all the hurt he has caused, and I can't! I think, though, that I was putting on my superhero cape and trying to rescue H from something he did not want me to rescue him from. I guess I need to get it through my head that being nice and congenial to FIL does in no way make me condone his behavior. I thought about sending him a letter, apologizing for some of my actions. I get caught up, though, in justifying some of my behavior, and then it just sounds accusational, not apologetic. I do want him to know WHY I act the way I do, but I don't know if it is even revelent really. So, I get stuck at: Dear Mr. _____ (Can't bring myself to say, "Dear Dad") By the way, on Thanksgiving he came to our house in CO (if there's a free meal to be found, he's all over it) for dinner. A friend and I drank a bottle of wine before the meal ever started. At one point, she said something funny, and when I laughed a piece of the salad I was taste-testing shot out of my mouth and into one of the individual salad bowls. Guess who's place setting that one went to? So, when he really pisses me off, I envision him eating my chewed-up, spit-out lettuce! It goes a long way in making me feel better! Seriously, though, let's work through this one. Do you think a letter is appropriate? Just to clear the air a bit?
on to one last post:
Sadburl, Thanks for visiting. Isn't it funny how so many of us hear the same things? I had to laugh at you saying, "I never introduced him as my H who is really a loser and not good enough for me." I am slowly starting to see that it is just my H feeling bad about himself and projecting it on to me. So, I will keep working on this with him, and hopefully be patient about it. "No one ever died from waiting..." I like that! Sounds like you have a pretty cool MIL. Keep the faith. I am going to come out better for all of this, I guarantee it! And if I can...well, ANYONE can!!!!
Meredith, Bad word choice. Needs? Should read: "wants" I wanted to feel alive, I wanted to feel appreciated, I wanted to feel listened to... I could go on and on. This guy was great at it. He listened to every word I said, then even commented on things later so that I knew he was listening!!! I knew I was in trouble when he was the only person I knew who actually asked me how my first day of work was.... We were just passing aquaintences, yet he remembered from the week previous that I was starting a new job that day. Well, hungry for attention me melted like an ice cube on a hot day. Isn't that sad? Over something that little???
Oh well. It's over and done with. I've learned from it, and I will have to keep reminding myself of that.
Those needs aren't stupid or selfish. Everyone has needs like that!
As for the OM, leave him where he belongs - in the past. Please don't turn Stepford and squash your own needs out of guilt for indulging in them in a way you regret.
Instead, forgive yourself for the means you chose to meet your needs and work on a positive way to meet them going forward. We'll help you...right Bets???
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Okay, I think I've caught up wtih you, but I may have missed something. Pamela, we all have wants and needs, and they should be met. OP become OP because everything is new, they validate you, etc. We've all been tempted. Forget about the former Om. He's past, you want to stay focused on your H. Hugs, Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I couldn't have said it any better than Meredith--Pamela, are you digesting her words? If you don't, we're going to come to your place and make you eat them!
Pattie, we've missed you!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
It's time to let go.