I agree, however, he tells me he's willing to give MC a shot more so for my benefit...so we can talk things over more and help each of us understand where we went wrong. More like for closure.
Some interim journaling:
Earlier tonight, he stopped over the house for a little bit and we confirmed the app't for MC for next week. He was hanging around, playing with our cats, and we were chit-chatting about work, our families, nothing too heavy. I noticed he kept a physical distance...I was sitting on the couch and he stood half-way across the room while we spoke. He ordered some take-out food from around the corner, went to pick it up and stopped back to the house to pick up mail/check-in. He said he was going to eat his take-out in the car on the way to where he's been staying (its a 45 minute + ride to his friend's house) and I told him he didn't have to eat on the road, he could just eat here. He said he'd better not, as it would then be that much later when he got home. I was hurt, but I didn't press the issue.
He seemed a little torn, but I could tell he was getting antsy. He asked me if there was "anything else"...and I said, no, just that I missed him. He said he missed me too, loves me as much as always, BUT, pointed out that he feels this is the right thing to do...and that he just can't do it (the marriage) anymore and he knows he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I asked him what he thought the point of MC was, if he's so set on ending things. He replied that he wasn't sure...thought at least MC would help me understand better, and maybe help him understand some things too. I got tearful, but I didn't say anything more. I mean, what could I possibly say in response to that anyway?
Anyway, he said he had to go and he left at that point.
So I'm feeling a little more crushed at the moment. He seems steadfast at this point and is making a big point of standing his ground. I'm trying to be realistic...I know deep down in my heart that I can't *make* him want to try. I own up to the part I played in the disintegration of our marriage. I also am an optimist at heart, so its difficult for me to close myself completely off to the possibility that things between us could be improved and our relationship can still survive.
Perhaps I'm just being unrealistic in wanting H to demonstrate that he is open in some small way too. If someone says they're done...maybe they're really done.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
