I kind of faced the whole bomb drop anniversary openly in counseling yesterday. I had been carrying it around and it was building up so when H and I were talking with the priest, I just let it all out. You know what surprised me?! He said, "I know, I was thinking about this too and I want to do something so we don't have to think about that".
His emotions are still raw and he's carrying around a lot of guilt about things. For a few months, I was not in a good place last fall and I actually wanted him to feel guilty and as horrible as I did. But I don't want that for him, I want him to be released from his pain or whatever he is carrying. He says that he still feels bad for what he put me through.
I've been careful to not bring it up and remind him of it, but small things like the stupid songs that come up do this.
As I continue forward with my healing, I want him to be able to heal too.
As a couple, we are closer now than what we were when we got married. Which is pretty amazing. Something positive and good has come out of what happened. Our communication is so much better too.
I still have my days where I feel fearful inside but I turn it around by telling myself that if he did leave, I will be OK and I will go on. This seems to calm the anxieties.
