Going around in circles

[angel61]

I have been mulling over the events of our “rock bottom week”, that painful last week of April, and here are some of my insights on what happened, and why I feel so much better now.

It was during this week that H was able to say all the things that he felt would really hurt me. He had carried those words around in heart for the longest time, afraid that they would send me over the edge. I had always sensed that he was holding back, and finally, he was no longer able to, because I had to keep on asking.

We have always been going by the rule of no R talk precisely for the reason that good things will probably not be said in this kind of situation. And this is well and good especially for newbies, for those whose anger is just simmering beneath the surface. Whose emotions are too raw, and especially for those WAS who are still in the justification stage and the LBS in the newly bombed, despairing stage. At that point, full disclosure is probably dangerous.

However, in the long run, we all need to know the story. In Retrouvaille, we are encouraged to write our story and look into ourselves and see what caused this all.

In our case, it did hurt, and I reacted predictably with so much grief, with wanting to hold on to the story I had made especially with our attempt at R, the expectations that things would be better.

And truly, what did I learn? Nothing new really, as my H had tried telling me all of those at various times but I refused to listen or accept the whole story. But this time, when my H explained everything one last time, I did see that our M never got the chance to grow to be what it should be because of me. I realized that I just barely waited for the ink to dry on our marriage contract when I started making demand and having expectations, just because I DID NOT WANT OUR M TO END UP LIKE THAT OF MY PARENTS.

We started out as best friends. My H truly believed at that point that we loved each other, but not with the romantic love idealized in books and movies. We never had much PDA, but we did respect each other and worked well together.

Then I started to expect too much, demand too much, control our lives. My H did everything he could to make me happy, but I never was content, as 25 says. I examined everything for flaws. Progressively my H became more and more unhappy, that he started fantazising leaving us, and started getting attracted to women at work, women who were mostly “princesses”, not aggressive or assertive like me. He never did have any real affairs, but was generally friendly with a lot of women, and I am guessing he had some level of emotional connection with probably a couple of them, but not to the level of an EA. But because of his love for D, and especially because of D’s physical (asthma) and emotional (anxiety disorder) problems, he never really seriously considered leaving.

All of this came to a head with onset of his MLC, and his meeting the OW who reciprocated, thus leading to an EA. The rest of the story is chronicled in this website.

But as the story winds down, the EA is over, OW is back in her home country, and not only that, I recently learned that she now has someone new….

Its back to me and H. And now, with the whole story told, I am dusting myself off and realizing that I am still whole. That I have been through the fire and have made it through. That it was not as bad as I thought. That there is still hope.

And I think, so does H.

Its not about setting boundaries, nor about transparency, nor about building up the M.

It goes way back, like a new start. Tentatively, we are taking small steps outwards, into a new world.

I no longer feel burdened by what ifs, by regret, by blame, by possibilities.

I don’t even feel that we have to have our M intact. What will be, will be. We are restarting our relationship, and if it will not work, then thats it. If it does, then great. But it no longer is what will drive my everyday actions, occupy my thoughts.

The burden of making every day decisions, big and small, now matter more again, and I no longer feel that there is an invisible white elephant in the room, which used to be the “problem”.

Its like life is settling back into the humdrum existence that it used to be.

But it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.