my wife shut down and really didnt want me to touch her. I have been feeling like i was a rapist or a wife beater. It has been really hurting me.
I got up and i cleaned the house for mothers day.I wanted to make sure she didn't have to work at all. I cleaned the house and was waiting for her.
Since, then i have been a mess and trying to figure it out. I am not sure if i want to fight for the wife i am very passive/agressive
I have spent so much time on the marrige. I have lost me for a bit. However, i may have lost some of myself along the way. I will think about that a bit.
Looking at your sitch and reflecting on my own here:
1. When we DB we sometimes think we're taking care of ourselves but sometimes we invest so much that we loose ourselves. When we loose ourselves in any relationship we have no self worth or self esteem. If we don't value ourselves how can we expect anyone else to value us?
What makes this dangerous is if you do split, you'll be completely bereft because you're relationship has become your rock, your HP as they'd say in addiction therapy. When that is gone you'll feel like an abandoned child. It's rough.
Furthermore in any relationship you have to be able to be independent and take care of your own needs. You're not child and as an adult you're responsible for your own well being and happiness. If you lean on your wife for that she can burdened and withdraw. (No blame here just an observation.)
2. In her position in the relationship your wife can feel suffocated. I'm not sure cleaning the house for her helps there. You give and don't get anything back. You then feel short changed and more needy. You need something and she needs to breathe. It becomes difficult for both of you. She can't meet your needs as you expect, nor you hers. Your both grown adults and have to take care of yourselves.
3. I do not believe you've checked out as you say. I think it's passive aggressive (which you've said yourself) because you've not found another way to get your needs met. She may not be as emotionally available as you would like, or your expectations are unrealistic. In my case it was a combination of those two. If you're anything like me that's one of your last coping mechanisms. You feel that if you pull away she'll chase again. So you withdraw, but she doesn't take up the slack, maybe she see's it as rejection, I don't know. ( I don't know about any of this really take from it what you will.) Maybe you don't feel it's worth convincing her anymore.
4. What woke me up is my split w X. At first I was thinking "yeah f' it. I wanted out anyways." But day by day toxicity of the relationship we were in began to bleed away and I could see how I lost myself completely. I began reading up on the dance between chaser and runner. I could see our pattern in the love addict avoidant cycle.
I don't know if you can read about it and take a look at it with her. I don't know if she thinks your bailing so she's tamping down her own response to not feel rejected and maybe pull away first. I don't know if she's already decided to pull out and is trying to get you to that point. These are the things I saw in my sitch.
One thing that I do know is taking a break opened up my eyes to a lot of the toxicity. I have no idea what it did for my now X.
5. I do think being clear about what you want is important. If there's a potential other person in the picture that's not OK. You've got to take care of your self esteem and stand up for yourself and that's one of those bottom line things a relationship can't stand. I do think if you can create a space to pull back soothe yourself, healthily withdraw and take care of your own needs it would be good.
Take this all with a bucket of salt because I am PROJECTING my own sitch on yours and it may be completely unrelated.
