My own thread...my sordid story.

[CMNM]

O.K.,
I was a good girl and went to the session.
The C asked to see us seperately. (thank goodness!)
I went first, and told all about the positives over the holidays. Then I mentioned the little "snafu" from last night. We discussed what it could mean.
She said that if nothing else, she was sure that she got through to him last session that he needs to come clean about EVERYTHING, and that if he doesn't he may as well forget it. She said it all sounded odd, but you never know with technology, and that she would get to the bottom of it.
Then we discussed how much of a cool and hip chick I am. O.K., I am embellishing here. But, she did say my insight was amazing. (Why am I paying her, then? )
Oh, and I did tell her that I was a bit put off last session by her suggesting that if I feel H is moving too slowly we can discuss me moving on without him. I said that this is not an option, I was there to save my marriage, and she had to be on that same page. She took that well and I think we understand eachother there.
Then it was H's turn. I do have to say this, we get our money's worth over there. The session is supposed to go for 45-50 minutes; we average an hour and a half to an hour and 40 minutes! We are either really interesting, entertaining, or just that much F'ed up. Don't know which it is yet.
So, they came out after I had spent time reading through about 100 trivial pursuit cards. I was told that there was no need for me to come next time. H laughed at me and said to get rid of the pouty face, I could come back the time after. Fine with me! I know that I am way further ahead in this game than him.
On the way home we discussed his part of the session. He is still talking about things that happened way before me. He did ask me "How did you come to the place where you were able to make all of these changes?" I did my best with that one. He is trying, I'll give him that. I feel for him right now. I know what it's like to hate yourself that much. At least I know that coming out of it is possible. I hope that he can get there. Notice my patience here. I did not say, "I hope he gets there SOON."

Also, H read part of the 5LL book...he grudgingly admitted that he "may" be a "words of affirmation" person. BUT, and this is interesting to me, he says he doesn't want to be, because needing to hear those things is a weakness. He has a major hangup with being perceived as weak. I have no idea how to get around this. I need to think on it for awhile.
So, I am in a great mood right now. Of course, I was 24 hours ago too! Ha ha, let's not go there. I choose to be happy, I choose to believe him, and I choose to go to bed now.
Happy Friday! I have the day off!!!!!

Oh yes, H also mentioned that I handled this latest incident very well. He said that he was surprised at how I did not jump right into a reaction. He said that my changes are very real, and very evident.
Yeah for me!
Mind you, I am not like a giggly teenager because he noticed this. I'm just so happy to have gotten to this place. A year ago, this would have ended with his clothes on the front lawn. I am so evolved!

[Underdog]

Pamela,

We got to a point in MC last summer where our C wanted to see us one on one for awhile. Well, don't use us as a good example, because Mr. Wonderful conveniently "forgot" to schedule his...

But I do want to reassure you that I know plenty of other couples who have had to do the same thing for a bit.

I'm glad you're feeling better about things. See how well you did on the balance beam? You should think about being a gymnast!

I'm 5'8" and a brunette, although when Mr. W. told me he was dumping me, I cut off all my hair and went auburn. I promise not to send your H any text messages anymore...

Just kidding.

CUL8R

Betsey

[SadBurl]

Your Sitch is so like mine. H had affair with OW. She then said I had threatened her with phone calls H too was convinced she couldn’t have done such a thing…I was so shocked he would believe her over me.

Again when I asked aboout A and our R he said I was too good for him. I have a university degree he is a carpenter.

Where does this all come from. Do these men think we would actually spend so much of our lives with them if we didn't think they were good enough for us. Did I ever introduce him as my H who really is a loser and not good enough for me. I DONT THINK SO. All I ever did was encourage him with his job tell him he was a great carpenter and thank him for all the things he did around our home.

Unfortunatley my husband is across the water at the moment and using OW house as his base. This makes it hard not to want to call him all the time. You still have contact. (Don't you) Keep DBing. Keep the faith. And even when the pain get so bad think about yourself. You must love yourself before you can love others. I know its hard but as my MIL says No one ever died from waiting. Keep up hope.

[Meredith]

I'm with Bestey on the therapy thing. Our C asked to see us separately, H never showed. I quit soon after also, but only because she turned anti-marriage. I decided that if we go again, it will be under H's initiation (which he knows) and I'm sure you can guess how many he's called.

Anyway, this is a positive. You can discuss with her the crazymaking, and she may be able to offer valuable suggestions.

Now Betsey, you really need to stop texting Pam's husband. Otherwise he is going to want to go with us to Denver instead of sitting in front of the X-box texting people with my H! And wouldn't that just ruin all the fun?

PS: I cut off all my hair after the big fiasco too...and now it is actually starting to get long again.

[Meredith]

Hmmm...you're too good at this Prince language. You confessed to texting Pam's husband...anything you want to tell me?????

[knowledgeispower]

Pma,
Hello I just read your thread your posts only.
You are doing very very well.
No need to blame either affair on anyone.
They are over and you and H are definetly headed in the right direction.
What an excellent example you both are being to your three boys!!!
My H & I are now in our 24th year of marriage.
I left him 2 years ago.
Then we started piecing on my terms.
7 months of that and he had an affair with a OW who was also having a 6 yr R with a Married friend we had known for ever!
Sound like Jerry Springer Yet???

Anyway read all the books you can about R's & Affairs

I'm proud of you both!!!

Kim

[Underdog]

Meredith and Pamela,

Confession time. I know you're going to think less of me now, but I feel I must get this off my shoulders so I can live happily today.

I have text messaging capability on my cell phone, but I don't know how to use it.

Whew! Does this get me off the hook with your H too, Meredith?

My D9 knows how to play games on it, but I still use it for its basic and primary function: to call people.

I know this makes me a techno idiot and less than. Boo hoo. Somebody did send me one for my 40th birthday when I was in Borders in Sunnyvale (CA), but the number came up as not recognizable. I think the person said something about happy birthday and me being hot... Nobody has fessed up either. I must say that it was my first time receiving one (and Mr. W's phone doesn't do it or receive them) and I was a little bit stunned and sort of creeped out.

Pamela, I just want to say I think you guys have so much promise. I hope last night was a clincher for you to feel that it's worthwhile to keep working at things. You guys sound like you're making so much progress.

Re your H and the 5LL: I know what you mean about the macho "I'm not weak" thing. I hope he can overlook that at some point, because it's less about being weak than feeling loved and important to someone. Hey... we're all living proof that we can survive without them speaking our LL, but it sure is nice when it happens, isn't it?

And I think we're all evolving.

Now where the heck is Pattie this week?

Betsey

[Meredith]

I know this makes me a techno idiot and less than

Exactly the opposite. You use your phone AS A PHONE too?? You're my hero!! Mine does have the capability to send and receive text messages, browse the internet, take a picture, keep track of my monthly event, etc but all I do with it is make and receive calls. Period.

I did try to text message H a few times...but apparently he saves that for the bimbos because I never got a response. I was trying a new 'medium' but wasn't too disappointed that it didn't work...typing messages was excruciating!

It will get you off the hook for now...

[Meredith]

Pamela, I just want to say I think you guys have so much promise. I hope last night was a clincher for you to feel that it's worthwhile to keep working at things. You guys sound like you're making so much progress.

Ditto!

[CMNM]

No worries, Meredith. Even if Betsey was your H's Prince (Princess) text messager also, there is no way she could continue. She LUVS us way too much now to do that. Honestly now, who is better relationship material- you, or him? 'Nuf said!

O.K., back to work here. I mentioned last night that my H asked about how I changed myself. I am happy that he recognizes his own need for some changes. I am concerned about how badly he feels about himself. He said that sometimes he is driving along and he thinks of something he has done that he is ashamed of, and the feeling it brings about is overwhelming. I started to tell him that he isn't a bad person, etc., but he cut me off and said, "I don't want you to solve this. I don't want you to try to make me feel better. It is a lot that I could just say that much, so let's let that be it for the time being."
The old me would have run right over that sentence. I would have kept talking anyway, sure that what I had to say would be so brilliant that he would be happy that I didn't listen to him telling me to stop. I just said, "O.K."
This gets easier the more you do it, that's for sure! So, hopefully he is on the road to discovering that you cannot love someone else if you do not love yourself...
You know, he's really not a bad guy. He has made a few dumb choices, but really he wouldn't want to hurt a fly. I am slowly starting to see that our problems weren't all because of me! I think this is dawning on him also. I am starting to have a bit of hope here. Someone stop me quick! This is when all he!! breaks loose, right?

I wonder why he sees so many things as "weaknesses." His parents weren't the type to say, "no emotion...be a man!" Of course, I don't know a lot about his R with his dad, so maybe I am wrong. Incidentally, his dad called here last night. I answered the phone, and he said, "Can I speak to _______?" No "hello", no "how are you?" Normally I would get irritated and be snotty, but last night I just started laughing. I was laughing so hard that I could barely say "hold on a sec, I'll get him." He does the same thing when my kids answer the phone. Is that crazy? He is their Grandfather, for crying out loud! One of them will answer, and he'll say, "Can I speak to your dad?" Of course, since he only calls maybe twice a year, this is no real hardship on any of us. That man is a real piece of work.

I promised myself I would be cleaning the house on my day off. I ended up babysitting for a friend for the last couple of hours. Now it is noon and I have nothing done!
Off to make sense of this messy house!