I wrote a nice (very nice, considering the circumstances) letter and left it on his bathroom mirror. I won't post the whole thing, but here are parts:
I was cleaning the kitchen when I moved your phone to wipe the countertop. I noticed a little envelope with a 1 in it. A new message? Hmmm…it wouldn’t hurt to take a look, right? Well, no, it isn’t right, and I am sorry. I have really tried to stop these behaviors, and I had. But, I just wanted to reassure myself that things were o.k. between us, because I saw little signs of “happiness up ahead.”
Well, I’m sure your heart is in your stomach right now as mine still is- a full hour after this horrible discovery. Of course things ARE NOT o.k. Stupid me, when will I learn that when I am searching for reassurances, it is because I need them? And that when I need them it is because they are lacking? And, most importantly, when they are lacking it is for a reason!!!
....I really believed that you were trying to get things into order in your life. I was willing to wait, because I just knew in my heart that we could have the relationship together we always wanted. I wanted to let go of the past and just let go and let myself be vulnerable to you. I was hoping for the same in return.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry that your life is so empty that you need to resort to something like this. I really hope you can find what you are looking for. Please get yourself together. Your boys need a strong man to look up to. Maybe tonight at your app’t you can finally get real with Sue and tell her just what it is that you have been holding back. I hope that you can get somewhere with figuring out why you keep searching.
I went on to say that I love him, and I was tired of not saying it just because he stopped. That's about it.
All in all, a nice letter. Not crazy, not confrontational at all. That stuff is behind me and I really don't feel that way anymore. (crazy, that is! )
So, I got a blanket and went to sleep on the couch. Miracle of miracles, I actually fell asleep. The last thing I remember was praying for strength, and maybe a little bit of sleep- I really didn't think I would be able to calm down. I woke up at I have no idea what time because H was shaking me. He asked what I was doing on the couch. I said, "I left you a letter on the mirror." He found it, read it, and some time later came back downstairs and said, "I have no idea what you are talking about!" I said, "look at your text message." He said, rather surprised, "I have a text message? How do I get it?" So, he went and fumbled with his phone for quite a while. Finally, he came over and said, "I have no idea what this is." I didn't say anything. He said, "I don't even know what a profile is!" I still said nothing. He went and fumbled with the phone some more and then came back and told me to believe what I wanted, but it wasn't for him. Then, he went back up to bed.
He got up early and came back down and woke me up again, telling me to go up to our bed. I said I was fine. He just looked at me and said, "you are making a big mistake about this." He then prepared to leave for work. He did say, "bye," and I replied, "bye, have a nice day." He looked somewhat surprised, as I still was calm and rather nice. He just said, "you too," and left. That was 5 hours ago. Haven't heard a word since.
So, who knows? I don't want to just believe whatever, as he has lied to my face before and I didn't think he was capable. I do have to say, he looked rather confused about the whole issue...but it could have just been confusion over what to do next! The only other thing I wonder about is the fact that it was still a new message, though it had come in at 9 a.m. We went out last night, and he used his phone for work stuff, so I know he would have retrieved it. After I read it, I tried to figure out a way to make it look like new mail, you know, like on AOL where you can re-mark your mail so that it looks new? I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do this, so I wonder if it could be done--or, if in fact he never read it? Who knows? I really don't want to think about it.
I guess the ball is in his court. I don't want to be one of those wives that just believes everything (while you, the readers, are screaming out, "don't be so stupid!!!") I guess he can choose to be mad over my snooping, or he can try to figure out a way to reassure me. The return # was right there, so I guess he could, if it really was a mistake, contact the person and say that she got it wrong. Or, he already contacted her and said, "oh sh@!, my wife is on to me!" I am not going to get all crazymaking over it! A. I'm too tired, physically B. I'm too tired of all this stuff, mentally.
What a waste. We had a nice evening together- had an interesting talk about the 5LL that I had planned on getting some feedback on, then he asked me to sit with him while he relaxed before bed. Unfortunately, I didn't go up to bed, I decided to clean the kitchen and do another load of wash.
Thanks for your reply, Meredith. I know you understand, so I am looking forward to working thru this mess with you and the others.
We have a counseling app't tonight.... gotta figure out what to do about this! As you can see, in the letter I made it sound as if he is on his own. I think I will just wait and see what happens, what he says. But,, since I have yet to hear from him, I don't think I will. So, I don't really know what I will do.
In a perfect world, he would be here right now, reassuring me that this is a horrible misunderstanding. He would realize that work isn't so important when the potential for breaking up a family is so close. But, he has never realized this in the past, so why start now? Besides, he has lots of sympathetic women at work who will gladly pitch in and help with his problems.....
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