4th and long, goal to go, touchdown required

[Broken74]

Robb and Oldtimer,

Thank you for the read and posts, I greatly appreciate it.

Robb, I wholeheartedly agree with you and I appreciate you sharing your experience. We have no commitments and I'm not going to consider any commitment to any woman until I'm no longer married.

Oldtimer I appreciate your opinion and agree on some but not with all.

I have been seeing an IC. In all honesty I think venting and discussing here is more helpful than my IC sessions.

Emotionally I am all over the place. Anyone who was thrown into a high spin cycle situation such as mine would be the same way. My life has been turned upside down.

Based on the number of eligible ladies who have expressed interest in me, at work, personally, and randomly, knowing that I am not yet divorced (except for the randoms), makes me disagree that I'm not a man that a fool would leave. Women want to get to know and draw closer to me, this is nothing new. To be blunt, given the positives vs. the negatives of our relationship, my W was a fool to leave. She doesn't grasp the 80/20 rule.

I also disagree that I have money=love issues. My W love language was receiving gifts, so that's what I did. I am successful in my career and am blessed financially because of that. Did I try to make up for my shortcomings with gifts and extravagance, yes, but I don't equate love and money.

As far as physical and verbal abuse you are off base there. I have never put my hands on a woman, and never will. I had an alcohol problem and ran off at the mouth < 5 times due to the stress of acclimating to a stepfather role of three children when I had no experience. That's not exactly easy. I own up to my verbal abuse and am regretful for it. I "did my time", and have 11 classes left, I have learned a lot and that will never happen again.

Monogamy is not a problem for me. In 2009 it was. I went from 300 to 175lbs and the best shape of my life and went on a womanizing streak (my early MLC), I'm not proud of that and I hurt my wife while we were dating. After we got engaged, I never looked at another woman, never considered it. She is the one that stepped out of the marriage, not me.

I am working on myself. I am sober now which is the biggest change. I am improving mentally, physically, and spiritually. Given what I have been through I am proud of myself.

I wouldn't call this new lady my "girlfriend", but I am going to have that discussion with her this weekend face to face. I'm going to frame it in that I still have feelings for my W, because I don't know if I want to reconcile with her or not at this point.

I appreciate you guys honesty and candor and thank you for your input on my sitch!

[AprilT]

Broken,
I am in NO way one to give advice, but bringing another person into an already toxic sitch is not only unwise, its plain crazy. If you love your wife, why would you risk falling for someone else?? Also sure, right now new GF has no visible flaw..we all know the drill. We are all pretty and shiny when we are new..then the paint starts to crack, and suddenly all the flaws are exposed.

I know being with someone that appeciates you is intoxicating. We all would love to feel that....BUT, until your current sitch is under control, you are doing the same to your wife that she did to you....aren't you? JMHO

[Broken74]

Thanks Britt and April!

I agree with you both. Everyone has flaws, and I have to be clear this is not a "relationship" per se. We are each free to behave in whatever way please, there is no hint of exclusivity etc. Effectively we are having "fun".

The one thing I don't understand is how I am doing anything to my W? I am not speaking out of resentment here because I have fully forgiven her, I am speaking out of fact. She effectively blackmailed me to backdate the separation agreement to cover up her affair and legally protect her affair partner from potential alienation of affection suit by me. Then she made it known that she was still seeing him as recently as March. At a minimum they are still linked on Facebook as of today. My wife fired me in August of last year. Just as her business is not mine to worry about, mine isn't hers to worry about either.

I am living my life and doing what makes me happy. It was my W choice to kick me to the curb, the papers she drew up say we are both free to "live as single entities" or whatever the words are. Perhaps catching wind of me with a younger more attractive woman is the wake up call she needs. Who knows...

Thanks again for you guys feedback and good luck in your respective sitch's!

[totallydevoted]

I am thinking of the same thing - interested in someone I've known for a few years. I want my W dearly and really want to R but she says it's definitely over and our mediation is in 2 days. I still believe that some day we will come back together but that is the farthest thing from her mind right now and I don't want to be a sap sitting around waiting for something that's never going to happen. I can't think of being with someone else but I also hate being alone...if anything, just someone I can talk to. Argh...it's so hard, this thing called life! It's not fair to OW...but, if my W says it's over...I have to move on, right? And if I have a chance with OW...much younger also may I add... ...why not?

I KNOW the answer...it isn't fair to OW...it isn't fair to W...and it isn't really fair to me either. I know I have to continue to work on myself, to feel completely comfortable with my surroundings before I can even think of OW. A friend of mine who is D told me that I should take a good year before I consider dating gain...WHAT?! I know he's probably right...and I hope my W does so as well...because she has yet to truly focus on herself...and it would only do her good. And yes, me too... Just don't know if I'll have the strength to do so. Man...am I a mess about this subject...sorry broken, I'm no help for you whatsoever.

[Broken74]

Thanks totally,

You are a great help my friend! Simply knowing that somebody else is going through the same range of emotions and feelings is a great help in and of itself. Thanks for reading and sharing and keep your chin up!

[totallydevoted]

It is a looney bin out there, isn't it?

[oldtimer]

"I wouldn't call this new lady my "girlfriend", but I am going to have that discussion with her this weekend face to face. I'm going to frame it in that I still have feelings for my W, because I don't know if I want to reconcile with her or not at this point. "

Uh, THIS IS A MONOGAMY/HONESTY ISSUE. You are in a sexual relationship with someone WHO DOES NOT KNOW that you have been ACTIVELY trying to reconcile with your W. She has been having sex with you and in the meantime you have been talking to a DB counselor.

Uh, THIS IS A MONOGAMY ISSUE: going from one person to another without a clear/clean finish between your relationships is YOUR PATTERN.

Uh, MAKING EXCUSES for womanizing is your pattern.

Disregarding criticism of your treatment of women is your pattern.

Discounting them as full people is implicit in most things you write. Particularly appalling was putting quotes around the word rape when you discussed your W's sexual assault.

Minimizing your verbal abuse and physical intimidation will get you nowhere. You ADMIT to 5 significant events in the space of around a year. That is a lot, and probably you are erring on the low end. But, you minimize it. You complain that it is W's fault you have to have COURT-ORDERED sessions to deal with what is a problem with your behavior. Own it. Stop minimizing it.

Having a lot of women willing to sleep with you does not make you a good partner. Having a lot of money to support W does not make you a good husband. Putting money into college funds does not make you a good father. (And I do find it odd that you would continue to support children who you were barely a stepfather to for a year. It is a nice thing to do, but I'm not convinced it isn't really about you and W. Do you plan to continue to do so if you start your own family?)

Look, you are obviously a good guy or you wouldn't be here. But you have a long way to go in finding greater emotional stability and maturity before you should even consider starting a new R.

Doublespeak as you wish, rationalize as you will.

The place to focus your energy is on yourself.

[oldtimer]

BTW, how old is the person you are sleeping with who is not your girlfriend, and not a friend (as she doesn't even know yet what is truly going on with you and W)?

[Broken74]

Thanks oldtimer,

Wow, you are right. I appreciate your not sugar coating anything, that really helps me think. I know I still have a long way to go, I honestly can't argue any of your points.

Particularly the rape statement, the way that came out on paper is the wrong way. The thing is she got pregnant by her 15 year old boyfriend at 14, but he wasn't charged with anything (although he's in jail now for shooting somebody in the back). This being said the likely scenario here was that she had consensual sex with her boyfriend and got pregnant. Hence my quotes, I can see how that seems cold and callous. We only talked about this briefly once, I thought it was always better to leave that alone, which was a mistake, we should have talked about it in detail since she is my W after all...

The girl I am seeing is 25, is a graduate student and personal trainer and is way out of my league. I realize I have not be fully honest with her and that is not fair to her, I am going to clear that up this weekend (first thing not last thing) and I'm certain that will be the end of it.

As far as the 529k donations, I am doing it because I feel it is the right thing to do, and I can afford to do it. She can't do it as a single mom, and their dad's certainly aren't going to do it. I'm going to support them as long as they are my stepchildren. Am I going to continue doing this if we get divorced, no, because I will no longer be their stepfather at that time. Maybe I'm trying to make up now for my lack of involvement with them before, I'm just doing what I feel is right.

I am not trying to minimize my verbal abuse, I am guilty of saying things to my wife that I shouldn't have said. Had she not had the affair however, none of those charges would have ever been filed. She filed the 50b because I busted her red handed prior to our being legally separated, her boyfriend dumped her as a result and she needed ammunition. The teacher in my classes agrees with this assessment. I violated the 50B because I walked into her new house THAT I PAID THE DEPOSIT AND FIRST MONTHS RENT ON because her affair partner was there, and I wanted to TALK to him face to face, and he didn't have the balls to do that otherwise. That is why I am in these classes, they have helped me with my anger, knowing my triggers, and a lot of other things.

I am a good guy and I try to do the right thing but I do have a myriad of issues, and I continue to work on those. Most likely without the distraction of my lady friend in the very near future.

Thanks again oldtimer, I appreciate your input. It is some of the best feedback I have gotten on this board and gives me a lot to think about. I still have a lot of work to do.

[oldtimer]

Interesting that you say you won't argue with anything I say and then go onto argue about every point.

I'm confused why you would use the word rape if no one suggested there was a sexual assault. I see two possibilities, neither good. First, perhaps you toss "rape" around in order to implicitly criticize your W as being too young to be legally sexually active when she got pregnant (I'm being polite here, the word choice in this scenario would come a lot closer to calling W a young slut). Second, perhaps W has indicated some kind of sexual assault and you choose to dismiss it without knowing much of anything about it.

A 25 year old who is a personal trainer and dating a married man who is almost 40 sounds like a very troubled young woman who I would guess was abused by a father figure in her life and is currently probably medicating with sex and alcohol or other drugs. Let me guess -- y'all like to party, right? So, you party, have sex, and you think she is terrific and fine with all that even though you don't even view her as a girlfriend and are lying to her. You are almost certainly damaging this young woman, regardless of whether or not I'm correct about her background. Time to be the adult.

It is quite clear that you know what to get yourself and others to believe what you want them to believe about you. It looks like you manipulate and self- and other-deceive so much that you actually can no longer distinguish the difference.

Get real with yourself. Get honest with yourself and others. Work on yourself.

What other women substantially younger than yourself who have a background of sexual assault/abuse have you been involved with sexually?