Had a great coaching with Cheryl this afternoon and she calmed me down nicely.
I will reiterate if you haven't had the opportunity to speak with a DB coach I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT, ESPECIALLY WITH CHERYL.
So in short, I ran down my sitch from top to bottom since the last we spoke in early March, a lot has transpired. She agreed that it seems things are taking a significant positive turn.
In short, my marching orders are as follows:
1) Maintain darkness, do not persue in any way. Be available but not too available. That's my plan moving forward, will see what the W has up her sleeve for next time. 2) I'm going to ask my oldest stepson if he'd like to play tennis, probably next week. I'm not going to go through my W for this because he is 16 has a car etc. Hopefully he'll be up to play. This has nothing to do with my W and everything to do about my relationship with my oldest stepchild. 3) 529k investments aren't pursuit since they are for my stepkids, so I'm going to continue to do that. 4) Tell the lady I'm seeing that I'm trying to work on reconciling my marriage.
I will say for the first time that I have personal proof to show that the darkness/do nothing approach actually does work. I could be the first man in history that forgetting his wedding anniversary could play a role in potentially saving his marriage...
So basically it's like fishing now. Screws are obviously turning in her head and Cheryl agrees, time for me to just sit back and wait for the bites and act like they're not a big deal when they happen.
4 day week this week then a 3 day GAL weekend! Work is busy as all get out, and have Basketball league semi-final game on Thursday evening and the 3's will be flying.
Keep your heads up people the sitch's can change on a dime, I have been through 8 months of hell and my work is just beginning. You can look through my threads and see how many times I "talked about" calling it quits. Do not give up hope!!! My sitch is extreme and it seems to be slowly turning around. I maintain no expectations but am excited about the possibilities.
My name is Broken74 and I Love my Wife... I just won't tell her that. ;-)
Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
I will say for the first time that I have personal proof to show that the darkness/do nothing approach actually does work. I could be the first man in history that forgetting his wedding anniversary could play a role in potentially saving his marriage...
GENIUS! I love this. So true!
You sound like you are in a great place!!! I am soo happy for you.
I do feel like I'm in the best position since this whole thing started, that being said it's still frustrating though. So after allowing myself to get spun up over her touch and go, haven't heard a peep from the W since Sunday. The scary thing to me is I'm ok with that, and I think the next time she approaches I'm not going to get spun up about it. This episode did really kick me in gear though, 4 miles running and 5 on the bike yesterday, and I mapped out a great scenic 5 mile running route near my work as well, can't wait to do that today.
I've been doing a lot of thinking as to why I am so willing to put my heart on the line again with my W. Logically it makes very little sense. I am involved with a woman who for all practical purposes is perfect for me. Smart, beautiful, brilliant, fun loving, athletic, doesn't have kids but wants them, and has never done anything to hurt me and doesn't seem like she would have it in her to do so.
I end up asking myself, why would I give up this woman who enhances my life in so many ways, to take a chance to jump back into the meat grinder that has shredded me for the last 8 months? Obviously the sanctity of the marriage is one argument, but she fired me from that 8 months ago... Ironically I don't even bring up the affair here, I think I am literally finally over it... It is obvious why the recommendation is not to get involved with OP as we go through this. But she has helped me through this though in so many ways and knows the entire story, with the exception of my thoughts about reconciliation.
So it is what it is. I got all excited on Sunday, and today I find myself asking why I felt that way. There really is nothing to be excited about. I am more excited about my upcoming long weekend with my other lady friend, not with what my W is thinking, doing, or otherwise.
I have made my mistakes in life and relationships, but by God I AM a great catch. I AM a man that only a fool would leave, I don't have anything to prove to her. She can turn over stones until the cows come home and she will not find a better man than me. I am the father figure that her children have never had, and I'm doing more for them in absentia than their fathers ever will. One of them runs a hot dog stand and the other is in jail for God's sake. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to care if she ever figures any of this out or not.
This is really all quite laffable when I step back and reflect on it, it still amazes me that I am in this situation. I should have handled Sunday differently, my pursuing statements were nauseating. I am dropping the rope now. If she wants the OPPORTUNITY for another chance with me she had better bring her A game, because I deserve nothing less. There are plenty of women who would love to take a shot at the opportunity she is passing up, and with each passing day her luster gets a little less bright...
So I wish her the best of luck, just as I do all of you in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Thanks bug! I've thought about that angle but I don't think that's it. The pursuit is just a means to an end, a requirement but not something that I feel I "get off" by doing.
I forgot to mention above that maybe part of it is that I have a terrible case of the broken bird/white night syndrome. Maybe part of my problem is knowing that she still needs help. The thing I've learned through all of this is that I know I can't help her, she has to help herself.
The funny thing is there's absolutely nothing about the new lady friend that needs fixing... And she's quite possibly the most amazing woman I have ever met.
This stuff still flies around my head, but I can say at this point I am truly happy. My life is great, I am sleeping well, got promoted at work and have little idle time. I am going to thrive regardless of how this ends up playing out. For the first time in my life I'm living in the moment, trying to not dwell on the past and not worry about the future. I am really blessed and have nothing to complain about. I could take my worst days over the past 8 months and compare it to the trials other people are going through in their lives and ask myself what am I whining about again?
This whole ordeal has really changed me and my outlook on life, and I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, I am looking forward to see how it plays out.
Thanks again for your post and good luck!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Yesterday you said you love your wife. Today you have the most amazing new ladyfriend. It's great that you are at peace today but your thoughts seemed to change very quickly. You might want to take it slow with the new lady while you're still sometimes thinking about reconciling.
I've also been tempted over the years about starting with a clean slate with someone new, and my H seems equally excited about that possibility. But wherever you go, there you are - I'd be skeptical unless you've been able to change your part of the dynamic.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yesterday you said you love your wife. Today you have the most amazing new ladyfriend. It's great that you are at peace today but your thoughts seemed to change very quickly. You might want to take it slow with the new lady while you're still sometimes thinking about reconciling.
I've also been tempted over the years about starting with a clean slate with someone new, and my H seems equally excited about that possibility. But wherever you go, there you are - I'd be skeptical unless you've been able to change your part of the dynamic.
I would agree. Don't get too involved with new lady friend, not fair to her if you truly want reconciliation. I've been there before myself, it is painful situation. It certainly improves your self esteem and worthiness, but complicates matters tremendously. Be very cautious.
Me:53 W:50 M:29 years T: 30 years Children: S21, D12
To be very blunt, you are NOT currently a man a woman would be a fool to leave. Indeed, I'd say a woman would be unwise to be involved with you right now, and not just because you are married. You have money=love issues, problems with physical and verbal abuse, emotionally you are all over the place, and monogamy is a problem for you. Stop dating, stop worrying about W. Work on yourself. Really.
What did your girlfriend say about you trying to reconcile with W?
You're right. And I still do very much love my wife and stepkids. The problem is that she doesn't love me back, and I'm tired of feeling that way. I deserve better. I am treading lightly with the new lady, we are not committed just enjoying each others company at this point.
Part of this is my own mental mindgame to force myself to fully detach. I think at the 8 month mark, I am finally at what I consider the "starting line" of the DB'ng process. For the first 8 months I flipped out and did everything wrong under the sun. In the heat of the moment I still didn't handle Sunday's interaction correctly as I pursued. That stops now, although I haven't yet executed properly, I think I finally "get it".
So I am graduating into DB'ng. Next time she reaches out, I'm going to be indifferent, I've got more enjoyable things to do in my life at this point than to cater to a woman who chose to toss me like an old shoe. I'm also indifferent as to how this all ends up now. Maybe we will end up trying to give it another shot, maybe we won't. Either way I'm going to be just fine, and better and happier than I have ever been before.
At this point I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If she fails to realize the same then it will be her loss.
My M is still in limbo, but I'm in the best place personally that I have been since the M broke down, and I am very thankful for that.
Thanks again for your post and insight. I envy the fact that you still share a bed with your husband. I wish I was afforded that luxury, I haven't laid eyes on my W or stepkids since Valentines day, which is probably how I can come here and talk like Billy Bad A$$... If I saw her I would probably melt where I'm standing, I need to mentally prepare for that because it's going to happen at some point.
Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
you know my feeling on the OW. I think it's a distraction. You see yourself through someone else's eyes. Someone who has only known you for a short time, only seen the parts of you you want them to see, and only heard about your past from you. Of course she thinks you're amazing. Also you don't know that she doesn't need fixing, or that she doesn't have hidden insecurities. It is easier to think that everything will be "perfect" with someone new. But NO ONE is PERFECT for ANYONE. Every R will need work and compromise.
But hey maybe I'm just bitter because H is choosing GF of 2 months over me.
