looking for hope

[jc180]

Mother's day was not so great. I knew I would be feeling bad because of all that has happened. My W came to pick up our son with her parents. I was surprised at what I saw. She keeps hitting the gym hard and it shows. In fact she used to come home late from work because she was obsessed with losing weight. Her style of clothes is totally different than what it used to be. She was dressed very sexy with high heels, skinny jeans, and a blouse that was open in the back. This was at 7 am! In contrast to this is her face. She was obviously crying either the night before in the morning. She has a bad reaction when she cries and it shows for days. I noticed she made a real effort not to let me see her face. She turned away whenever she past me. I spoke to her parents and they are friendly as usual. I really miss them. They are the total opposite of my loud family. I liked spending time with them because they were so laid back and friendly. My W just said a few words to me about bringing him back in the evening. Later in the day 2 relatives sent me text messages telling me Happy Mother's day. It is kind of a joke that I had the maternal instincts in the family. It used to bother me but now it doesn't. I see now that it is a compliment because I was the one who did double duty taking care of our son. Also, I think because it was two mothers that sent me the text it makes it more sincere.

Things are getting nastier on the D front. Now my W is asking to postpone the hearing in order to do a Social Study. When my attorney discussed this with her attorney he told her that I didn't have the funds to pay for it. She suggested that they use the tax refund that my wife is refusing to give me to pay for the study. Wow, that made me angry. It has been suggested in the past and I absolutely believe it that my W is trying to drain me of my funds. No money plus no lawyer equals me at her mercy. So her she signed my name to our tax return without my approval and is refusing to give me my half of the refund. I am really low on money right now and work doesn't start until June.

I am also worried about the job offer I got. First the lab had trouble with my drug screening and now the background check people had a problem with their computers losing my information. I keep praying that all these bumps in the road stop. At this point it feels like I have a dark cloud stuck over me.

So my attorney suggested that we go to court asap because the longer it takes the better it is for her. Also, the final hearing is a few days before my training is supposed to start. If the court day is moved I will be in a bind. I can't very well miss training days because I have to go to court. It is one of those situations where if you miss a day of training you are automatically let go. Another worry of mine is that she is hiding money or had moved her saving and 401k. Technically she could have done so before the temporary orders were in place. So I have two options. One is if we go to court soon it helps my custody case but doesn't allow adequate time for discovery. Two is if we postpone the case for discovery and the social study It hurts my custody argument but I go to court with a full accounting of our assets.

I told my attorney that I want to err on the side of a strong custody argument. My son means more to me than the money. Let my W satisfy her greed and let me have more time with my son. I've been reading in the MLC forum and money seems to be a big issue for the walk away spouse. For my wife I see it as a control issue. I think she sees it as a way to bend me to her will even though she wants me out of her life. It is such a strange dichotomy. Case in point, months ago when I told her she was forcing me to live on peoples sofas she pointed out that she wouldn't let me have our son until she approved of where I was living. When I told her I couldn't get a decent place until I had a job she told me, "if you ever need money I expect you to come to me first." Now that I think about it this fits in with her history of emasculating me.

Well, she has another thing coming. Thanks to this site, the DR book, and my family I am in a better frame of mind. I'm not afraid of the D anymore. I read on another persons thread some words that stuck with me, "you don't have to be married to keep loving someone." I still love her very much, but if she wants to go then let her go. That feeling of panic is almost faded away. I thought what in the world was I going to do without her. Now I know that I can keep loving her and holding out hope for our marriage while still GAL. She can't control that. Only I can. She told me once that I needed to forget her. Fine, say what you will but if I want to keep praying for the best then that's my choice.

Thanks everybody.