Got the mother load of data from WAH today

[Underdog]

Fifi,

First of all, I think your name is a fitting moniker. Fighting for it means the whole caboodle. Not Fighting for Him. So... you now have your eyes wide open and are open to seeing the truth rather than what you wanted to buy into when he left? Awesome. Truth is incredibly powerful, friend.

I am reading the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" and I am starting to see how he really isn't as "nice" as he seems.

Great book... and I couldn't agree with you more. P/A is definitely NOT nice behavior. Leaving your family because you're not man enough to seek help in the framework of your marriage is total chickensh!t.

From reading these boards and working with my IC I see that we had a pursuer/ distancer relationship. Guess who's the pursuer:)

Very common in P/A relationships. That fit me to a T too. And don't you dare take all the blame for being the pursuer. He was part of that dynamic, because it suited him to set you up. If your H is anything like my XH, when I asked about stuff, he told me that I was crazy and that I had a problem. When he left, he then told me that I was smart for figuring it out, but dumb to let it go. Nice. (Those words were thrown at me as he packed to move out during the Christmas holidays.)

I feel like he is trying to bait me back in because he can sense my detachment.

Oh, yeah. The manipulator realizes that you are finally galvanizing and making decisions... and afraid that the rules of the game might be changing. Stick to your guns. No matter what, it's a game changer and you need that in the long run. It's what pushes him out of victim mode.

I am thinking about scheduling an appointment with a mediator. I want him to file and list himself as the petitioner.

Mediation doesn't necessarily force you to make those decisions now, Fifi. I used mediation to get XH to agree to milestones. I wanted to make absolutely sure that we had no other alternatives for as long as I could for my girls. The entire 2 years I waited (I agreed to give it an extra year when his mom died a year after he left), I was busy changing and making decisions for myself, so by the time he filed (yes, listing me as the petitioner), it was pretty much done for me. I say pretty much because going through the D process is still hard.

and hasn't moved all of his stuff out yet.

Yah, I have stuff in my house and garage that is XH's too. I think I need to load it in D18's car and have her deliver his crap.

Now, for the most important part:

The kids have been having a really hard time and I have had trouble coping with that.

Oh Fifi, this is the worst part of the entire process. Even as young as your kids are (particularly the 4 year old), if his actions do not mirror his words, they notice. And you're left with their bereft feelings. I do understand. But if you do anything right in your life, this will be it. Take care of them and protect them to death. You seem like this person, so I am confident that you ARE this person.

For all the folks that say kids are resilient... well, they are to a certain extent. But parents who abandon them leave a big hole in their heart. Make this work for them in the big picture...

I have another friend from this BB named MicheleTW who has the worst XH on the planet. Even worse, he's an even worse example of a father. She's a successful life coach whose kids REALLY struggled with this, particularly her daughter (the youngest of 2), who was formerly her daddy's little sugar girl. He pretended he still was, but didn't show up to her events. His actions were clearly disconnected from his words. Why am I telling you this?

Because for the longest time, she'd do her level best to make up for his transgressions. She'd minimize his motives, make excuses for him, and try to make him seem less offensive because he was their dad. Her kids struggled more with this dynamic.

Then she decided to be brilliant and concluded that it wasn't her job to be his smoke screen. Her job was to help her kids navigate their disappointment. From that day on, her kids have been better adjusted, and she truly believes that this path helped them both develop skills that were very well suited for the real adult world. Her now 19 year old son told her that she was the only person in the entire world that he could really, REALLY trust. He trusts her to be honest with him and to be there for him when he stumbles. She gets an A+ in my book on that one.

Your job is to facilitate their relationship with their Dad. Honor commitments you keep for their benefit. But if he does not do his part, it is not your job to protect him. You don't malign him to them, but you teach them how to not only survive, but thrive in a disappointing world. All 3 of you are young enough to come out on the sunny side of this process... even if you reconcile.

Even in my P/A world, my XH is a terrific dad. I hope that your H decides to put them first too. It really helps. And I'll tell you that mediation really helped us in that front. We had clearly defined parenting time with expectations and rules of engagement. Once we got to a point where we trusted each other again, we weren't so sticky on the small stuff. With the exception of the first year of our separation, we have shared pretty much every holiday together and enjoyed them. (I mean that with every bit of sincerity.) He's been easier to work with because of this process.

I pray for the same for you. Interview a couple of mediators. I found one we both really liked. He was fair minded and very helpful. In fact, because of him, we didn't need attorneys for the D... but it would have worked in reconciliation as well.

So... I'm giving you a cyber hug right now. You need it.

Betsey

p.s. Have you finally seen the light? That it's now time to make this about you? If not, you're really close.