It seems at the core of a lot of theses problems, whether a mid-life crisis or a personality disorder, lies the damage done by childhood abandonment or abuse. I am sure after all I have read my W was probably subjected to both. This apparently causes the shame, guilt and low self-esteem of a child who may think they are not worthy of love. Is this why they reject those who genuinely love them later in life. Do they really think 'anybody who loves me must be seriously flawed and rejected'? I now know my W has projected a lot of her depression and low self-esteem onto me. I too have felt that she 'is a good person' but with a few odd character traits and flaws. I now realise that her lack of self is a big black hole, and in an effort to fill it and make a connection , I have poured in all my emotion and changed my life! It is just not possible, it would never be enough. Ultimately she is not prepared to make any effort to change or work on her marriage, it is easier to keep searching for the man who will love her unconditionally no matter what she has said or done (or not done). Her part in a relationship seems to be just to turn up.

I think the false self they create is so buttoned up they are incapable of spontaneity. Certainly little off the wall humour, generally in my experience a lot of sarcasm with a good dose of schadenfreude!! Any playfulness would be looked upon as weird and ridiculous.
My wife said she had no attraction for me but she married me anyway. What kind of person marries someone she feels no attraction for? She says she has done that twice now. Is it true or a defensive, hurtful comment?

I think we all get a bit lonely at times and a understanding companion of the opposite would be 'nice'.
Personally though I think it would be asking a lot of someone new at the moment, unless they had been through the same sort of experience. I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about the last 22 years. The rose tinted spectacles are definitely off though and the past is looking a lot less nostalgic

To me, at times, the whole thing just seems crazy as I believe my W would be a 'great person to have a good relationship' with, BUT it is just not possible as she is emotionally unavailable, and acts out against those who love her!! Even writing that makes no sense, but is that what love does to us?

I know once I abandoned hope of saving my marriage and became hopeful of a different future I felt somehow happier. And strangely I was able to be more mindful at work, put more focus on my job. A lot of anxieties left me too. Maybe trying to hold a relationship together that is bound by the thinnest of threads is exhausting emotionally and physically. I also feel I 'projected' some of my relationship dissatisfaction’s on to my work. i.e. if I changed my job I would be happier! I have never enjoyed my job more than I do now.

It is a shame about the boat which is obviously represents a big part of your togetherness. We had a Bayliner that we used for wake-boarding when our boys were younger (gas here at 43 cents a litre helped). As they have moved on in their lives I sold it and restored a 29' yacht which was something I intended my W and I use together. I actually think that was too much connection or togetherness for her. Fortunately it can be sailed single-handed and so it is a great escape for me.

We all have a need for that intimate human connection, in my opinion it is what human existence is about: man/wife parent/child etc. Would be nice to hold someone close too.........

Nice to hear from you GWN, I enjoy sharing our respective outlooks on life, the universe and everything! (I find having my rambling thoughts in some kind of order quite cathartic/therapeutic as well).