i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

i think i dropped the rope for a good while and then grabbed back on or something. i am so emotional and teary. is it the RV stuff?

i am out of sorts. and i know i really have no reason to be. H has not done anything differently. in fact, through RV, H has expressed that he no longer feels "trapped" and is thinking about choices.. and the answer to what he wants is not quite as clear anymore.. he made me breakfast in bed for mother's day.. when we talked the other day, he took my hand when i cried (even at the RV weekend i cried and he sat there looking at me). so what is it?? my expectations.

D2 woke up from her sleep a while ago and started crying. she clung to me when i went to go pick her up. she said she was scared i was going to leave. when i told H, he said.. poor nugget.. did she have her nightlight on?.. he later asked whether she was feeling like this because we sometimes rush her in the morning and she thinks we will leave without her. i txted back.. no. and told him she is afraid i'm not going to live her anymore like he doesn't and then her and S will be alone. yeah. didn't think i would hear back from him.

some days i feel like a crazy woman. wondering why the heck i haven't just.. moved on? what keeps me here? what makes me continue w/ RV? to attempt the dance of distancing myself while not distancing too much that he feels the door has been shut closed....

i really have no idea what i'm doing. db? RV? it's all got my head spinning.

so what did i do to make myself feel better? well.. i had a good cry. and then i went and purchased a deal for a 1 hr stand-up paddle surfing course.