Dating

[Underdog]

Hey Par,

Since you posted on my thread, thought I'd jump in your pool for a bit.

Have you thought to join Al-Alon? Listen, I say that as someone who has a drug addict for a brother. He's turning 44 and has only been clean since last fall. This is a path I know VERY, VERY well.

Your XW is a drug addict. She couldn't possibly love you, because she doesn't love herself. The nature of that beast is that they are liars who only manipulate others to get their next fix.

That being said, I suggest Al-Anon so that you can change YOU. Apparently, your filters need to be cleaned so that you 1) don't see this as being about you; and 2) so that you see the value in being selective in who you choose. This is a dynamic of an enabler... You might think that in this path, the person with the problem is the addict themselves. While that IS true, they tend to choose people who are going to help them get what they want. You should probably explore this in a safe place, where you are not singled out.

I attended a great Al-Anon group back in northern CA when my brother was sent to jail for the first time... back east. I had no support group and no means to pay for intense counseling at that point. It took me awhile to find this group (some of them are just b!tch sessions that just don't help, so please don't give up finding a good one), but they were worth it. They helped me tear down some walls and assumptions and helped me heal this co-dependent nature that I had developed. It was comforting to know that there were others in my shoes.

By the way-I have my Masters degree and I am pretty good looking, athletic build,not rich though,but apparently no social skills.

Again, her drug addiction and lifestyle to get her next fix has absolutely nothing to do with you and your social skills. The woman is very ill. I don't blame you for ending your M and running the other way. (Last summer we tried to get my SIL to do the same thing..) So try not to take on any crap she's slung your way. It's HER choices that landed her where she is.

And I bet that being a Golf Pro is a shoe in for possessing very good social skills?!?! Every lesson I've ever taken from a golf pro has been from someone who had them. So stop selling yourself short too.

So, how do you do it. I can't remember.

Listen, Par, I think your amnesia should continue for awhile. You need to shore yourself up first. As Wonder said to you, address your depression with 100% effort. You owe yourself to get emotionally healthy and enjoy your life without someone there. I promise not to sell you on the joy of living without someone. 'Cause most days, I totally dig it. I can watch The Players tournament and then switch to Gentlemen Prefer Blondes without being hassled for it...

Come over and dump on me if you need help with the drug thing. I've got your back.

Betsey