Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

[Valeska19]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate your advice, concerns, hugs.. all that you give.

I took a few days to clear my head.

Because I needed a change.. I needed to figure out how to move forward.

and now that I feel I have found my answer, I will share.. however I will do my best not to turn this into a novella.

The first 8 months of my S, I spent majority of it taking the "loving" approach. Taking the high road. Meeting my conversations with w in a loving way. No pressure to make her change, but in some ways - always waiting in the corner for her to walk towards me.

I always felt in my heart that I was being the best Val I could... but the pain of the confusion my wife's actions caused in my heart tore me apart. The pain seemed unbearable.

So I changed and went dark.

The last 5 months - I shifted my perspective to me. Learning how to set boundaries. Learning how to protect my heart Pushing off all of my conversations with her to avoid the pain. Trying to allow myself time to grieve and heal.

But I also told God that "loving" was just too hard. I was burnt out and unhappy. The high road came with too much pain... It came with no reward.

That I was fighting too hard to be kind and forgive - and for what?? No one saw what I was doing. My w's actions still say that she wanted NOTHING to do with me... my dad was still an a$$hole.

And that all the pressure was on ME to change. And it was a pressure I didn't want anymore.

And in that moment my pendulum swung from Love to Anger.

In alot of ways - I became selfish. In alot of ways - I quit

and even though in my heart.. there was always that little voice going "Val.. that's not you". I buried it. I silenced it with the fear that if I didn't learn my lesson now - I would always allow people to abuse me. More importantly - I would always allow my w to abuse me.

So on Thursday during a 6 mile hike - I 'duked' it out with God.

I told him out hurt I was, how angry I was. I told that I was tired.. and that I wanted to just live my life and be loving to everyone... and that included my w... but that I didn't want it to caz so much pressure. I didn't want every step to be a battle.

And in alot of ways God called me on my bullsh!t. I won't go into the dialogue as you will probably think I'm crazy - but here is what I discovered.

Yes - being on angry side of the pendulum helped in alot of ways. I needed to create space, I needed to learn how to create boundaries.

I needed to get it out... all of it. The D hurts..sure, the dating other people - of course.. but the root of my anger stems from how my w treated me. How in some ways she continues to treat me.

I needed to acknowledge it so I wouldn't be part of another abusive relationship....

.. but somewhere the acknowledgment started to build into the foundation of how to move forward with the guarantee that it would never happen again....

and somewhere my boundaries went from protecting myself to being about my wife. Letting her squirm instead of getting grounded in my moral code.

Teaching her... instead of learning myself.

... and on Thursday - God tore that down...

because I admit that being on this side of the pendulum.... SUKKS!

Just as I learned that being angry really only hurt me, I also freely admit that being loving - really helps me.

That although sometimes it is VERY difficult and there are days that I want to give up - the fight is well worth it...

because I felt better about me.. because I was loving me.

I'm still trying to work on the new gameplan. I will look for guidance in my friends. I will continue to look for guidance here on the boards.

Because, I think that whilst I'm still navigating my way to becoming a healthy Val - that being either on side of the pendulum completely is dangerous for me.

And with that... I stopped being dark and I called my wife.

But that my friends is another novella within itself.

Thanks for listening!