Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

I'm feeling more and more comfortable with whatever the future holds.

My wife told me in our last few heart-to-hearts that what she wanted all along was to be separate for a time and see if reconnection and reconciliation were possible down the line - 6 to 12 months. All along I was against it because it is just outside the boundaries of what I think marriage is supposed to be and far outside the bounds of what I want to do for my kids.

I have pushed hard to give my wife some more distance since the last time we've talked. I asked to go home early on her birthday instead of enjoying our friends' company as usual. I didn't try to see her or make any grand gestures for Mother's day. I stayed out of the rooms that she was in Friday night when I stayed at the house. (That was hard because W was hanging out with my D15, that I rarely get to spend time with and I felt depressed in general). I haven't called or texted except in response to her.

Maybe after a few weeks, this will make some difference and she'll be less inclined to move out of the house and move forward with the divorce.

But I'm not sure that's what I want any more.

I face two very different possibilities right now. One is to continue to be a doormat, let her have almost everything she wants, give loads of space, and employ squirrel-taming techniques to slowly lure her back into considering continuing or M.

There is more than a 50% chance that will fail, I figure at this point, and I don't think it's something I want to do (at least not for long) without some re-assurances on her part that she will either cool it on the divorce proceedings, attend some counseling sessions, or both.

The other possibility is accepting and acting as if I'm going to move on without her. That means moving back into the house (but still giving as much space as is possible.), putting the ball in her court for finding a separate place to be, spending a ton on my lawyer to begin the fight for equal custody of the kids during the school week, and coming after her for the tax money.

If she really needs to move out before we can have improvement, I don't see why option 2 isn't for the best. If we are never going to reconcile, option 2 seems the best. The main strike against option 2 is that moving back home back in August is what shot down my wife's hopes that we could separate and potentially heal in the first place.

She decided that when I moved home that I was never going to give her space and she had no option but divorce. She's really sore about this and acts traumatized when she thinks it might happen again.

That actually really annoys me about her. She acts traumatized a lot of the time. She looks panicky, hunched over, can't look people in the eye, shakes, and nearly every statement that comes out of her contains distorted thinking. (literally every one of these: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion)

Obviously, she's not faking it. I feel bad for her. But it's not like I've ever hit her or yelled at her or threatened her. I'm willing to look at and change just about anything about the way I interact with her or anyone else to make the marriage stable, but I think her heightened emotional reactivity has more to do with her than it does with me. And, I guess, that's why she needs the space. Maybe she does need to detox and figure herself out before we can have a real marriage.

We have a counseling session scheduled for Monday the 21st. I'm not saying I'm going to move back in, and if my counselor thinks it's a bad idea, I just won't, but I would like to discuss it.

But it may be time to stop worrying about what will upset her and push her away and tend to myself and the life I want to have with my kids.