My parents were alcoholics (my dad's recovered, my mother still is) so I understand how one can feel confused and uncertain about the love they are getting...
If you have not, please find resources for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). You may find it valuable.
You believe your LL is quality time and words of affirmation (which I believe mine are, as well). Curious then, that your "giving" LL is gifts.
Basically, in that type of situation, one would consider that you give gifts to show love, because you learned at some point that someone you wanted love from likes gifts. So in order to have your needs met, you met theirs.
It is OK to do this. But the reality is, if a person's LL is words of affirmation... in general, they will provide words of affirmation to those they respect and love...
I think I give gifts because my mother's LL is gifts. I believe I give quality time because my dad's LL is quality time. My mom was a huge gift giver but was emotionally unavailable. My dad was always busy doing OTHER things... see my pattern?
What I REALLY want is for someone to tell me that they are sorry. To tell me that I am important to them. To let me know they respect me...
But I love spending time with my friends... and I love getting gifts...
I believe that my W's LL is gifts. So when she was opting out of the M, she stopped accepting gifts from me, letting me know that it felt uncomfortable for her to get gifts from me. I also believe that my W's secondary (or they're flipped) is acts of service. So again, she does not want me to do "things" for her.
But...
She continues to do things for me... and she continues to send gifts to me... done in very covert, vague ways... and then when I tell her that I don't want gifts from her or accept services (ie. flexibility in kid's schedule), she explodes... ie. She has asked for flexible schedule... but then tells me that I can't adjust the schedule by an hour (a favour I would be asking for, so an act of service she does not want to give), stating that the pick up times are set and should be adhered to. Then, two days later, she is asking for a favour on next week's schedule. (what works for her and serves her needs)... when I point out the discrepancy, she blows a nut and demands rigidity in the schedule. BTW: My W might be MLC, so her behaviour would be slightly "exaggerated" compared to a WAS.
Be the person you want to be. No need to tell anyone (well, definitely share with us here), just do it.
And... support your H to be the person he wants to be. Which is why it was great that you called him on his "re-lapse" (even though we know you were testing...)
And... this just might lead to a renewed appreciation of the two of you, for each other... and...
