i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

ok.. it's been a while. i thought it was time for an update.

things have been up and down to say the least. H has been around a lot more lately and it's really unsettling. he's either just.. hanging around.. or he vanishes. to sum it up.. we've had some really good dialoguing sessions. where he says he doesn't feel as trapped.. and questioning his decisions and his choices. said he wants to go back to IC because it really helps him explore and question some of the things he questions.

as for me.. through dialoguing.. i have been able to voice things i might not otherwise say. like how i am very apprehensive about trusting him. we don't discuss why.. just my feelings behind it.

and then the other day.. i just went on a complete rant. i was sick.. the kids were sick.. tired.. overwhelmed.. H was doing one of his disappearing acts.. and when i put D2 to bed, she cried and said she wanted me to stay with her. when i asked her if she was afraid i was going to leave she said yes. so i asked why? and she said.. "because daddy not here" and then later.. "if you leave D2 and S5 will be all alone". i cuddled her to sleep comforting her and telling her i wasn't going anywhere.. and when she fell asleep i cried my heart out for her.

the next morning, H finally txted "how are you feeling" and i just went on my rant.. telling him all about D. he said it was heartbreaking and came over soon aterwards for his weekend w/ them. well.. his weekend minus mother's day. he made plans w/ "friends". yeah. when i saw him, he made some general comment about a women at work who had gotten pregnant w/ a married man (of course the man didn't leave his wife) and how he had a lot more respect for her now after talking to her. about the choices she made.. and the struggles she faced as a single mom. i stewed for a couple of hours and when i got home saturday night, i couldn't hold it in and told him how hurt i was because of that comment. because i said.. i am basically a single mom. have you considered my choices.. and my struggles. and i cried.. and he actually took my hand and held it.. but i felt awkward and sucked up the tears.

it's a different hurt these days. it saddens me that he may never be the man that i need him to be again. there are times when i wonder.. is he purposely being hurtful or is he just clueless (like the comment about the single mom) and i really think he's just clueless. he says stuff like he wants to be there for the kids when they need him and to call and he will be right over to reassure him. i wonder.. reassure him of what?? yes you love them? that you didn't leave them?? and then when their tears dry.. you walk out that door again and they don't understand the concept of time an when you'll be back??

ok.. totally ranting again. i am definitely pmsing.

i should focus on the positives.. H made me breakfast in bed this morning before he left for the week. it was a nice mother's day surprise. he had S make a handmade card for me. H brought over treats for me the other day.. i was surprised.. it was actually for me because he picked out stuff that he knew i had liked in the past.

its a day to day process. 7 months. i didn't know where i would be 7 months ago. i'm surprised? and yet i'm not surprised at where i am. everything in God's time. not mine.