I think that is why I cry in Yoga class. It makes me uncomfortable and feel pain. I was reading in a yoga book about that, and it is the physical movement releasing emotionalpain. So go with it and let it go. Find a place that teaches yoga in the dark, or do my other favorite things and walk in the rain. No one can see and you can get through the feelings and let it go.
Someone on here said let the pain wash over you like a wave.
I'm headed over to lift weights. I try not to cry there, as it alarms the marines! Hang in there!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Glad I'm not the only one! On the one hand I know it should be cathartic - but on the other it's darn embarrassing!
Just sent my last kid off to senior prom! Moments - I get through them and I enjoy them. Then the tinges of sadness come in because there is only ONE other person in the world who was as connected to this kid as me and I can't share it with him. Sometimes my head gets so screwed up - why me? What did I do to deserve this? How did I get here? I want these feelings to go away - I really do! But they linger...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I don't know if it helps or not, but generally when I get in a "why me" or "what did I do to deserve this" mode I tend to self-talk and say "there is something (or many things) in your life that was not going to happen unless your XH chose to end the marriage."
Like, something more important than the marriage. I know that sounds crazy--a lot of us I'm sure figured that our marriages were the most important thing we could ever be involved with--but I no longer think that. There are things that would never have occurred had we not been betrayed. Focus on what is coming or has come as a result of your being without him that is good or beneficial to other people and you instead of the sense of loss.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
IB - don't know if this helps. I have been following what you have written, and have experienced [now in the past thankfully!] similar pain.
Acceptance is when we sotp asking ourselves 'why me' and it comes with time, truly.
Last week I woke on the morning of my birthday in the comfortable guest bed of my eldest son and his wife. She came in to kiss me and wish me happy birthday, and I remember thinking how blessed I was, how much I didn't want my xh back(!) and went on to have one of the best birthdays of my life, thanks to my great kids plus a ton of messages and cards from friends.
Sad to say it has taken 6 birthdays to get to this point. But I am there. no regrets, just a feeling of general relief that I am finally OK. I am not with someone else, so this is truly all about me being OK alone. [Not knocking new relationships, just assuring you that this isn't because I have met someone and am wearing rose tinted glasses].
IB I really loved my xh and thought we would grow old together. It about broke my heart, and yet it has healed. I sometimes feel sad, and sometimes, still, a bit angry at the waste. I used to tihnk 'why me' but now I don't. It happened, it was wrong, it 'shouldn't' have happened, and it wasn't our fault. They were, and remain, broken and we can't fix them.
These moments when it is just you, when it would have been the two of you - yes, tough, but now i simply relish them. I had my whole family, and the space where my xh used to be has now closed over, and the gap is just about gone. You are currently gong through one of the toughest times - healing without your xh. Shock over, and you are dealing with the new reality. It takes a lot of getting used to, but we do become used to it, first off, and then move on to enjoy the fruits of our hard work with ourselves, our children and our friends, who think we are awesome.
Oh let me clarify what I said as I think I mischaracterized one thing. I think that when our marriages were working well, when we could reasonably say that we were happy couples, then the marriage may have been the most important thing in our lives. What I mean is that I think that that can shift over time, and that the silver lining we should be looking for now is to discover what it is in our lives that we are doing or have been able to work on/accomplish that might never have been were our exes still with us, particularly if they were with us and there was ongoing strife.
Like I can honestly say that the book I just finished writing would not exist. I had started the book 9 years ago and abandoned it, and then was offered a chance 3 years ago and XH talked me out of it a second time, and even if he had not, I had no real focus or ideas. My book is ENTIRELY informed by what happened in my personal life. The way I read literature now and forevermore is very much colored by my experience. I see things very differently. It was the trauma that enabled me to come up with a book idea and my book is about literature but it's about characters who rise up from trauma and how experience, even bad experience, is necessary for growth. There is no way I'd have come up with this without my ex's betrayal of me and without my marriage ending.
I don't mean to go on about me here at all but it's the best way I can illustrate the silver lining. I feel in my heart that there is a larger reason that I was supposed to write this book. And my life shifted to make it happen.
IB look at things in your life right now and spend some time trying to focus on what you have been able to do "differently" or what is new in your life that would never have been if you hadn't been betrayed. Perhaps those things are now "front and center" instead of your marriage and you have to think of them as your mission in life. Like beatrice says this isn't about fixing what can't be fixed. It's about what you CAN change in other areas of your life with other people or yourself.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Happy Mother's Day! Enjoy your special day and know that you are loved by your family and friends.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Beatrice and Antonia - I am so thankful for your responses. In my heart of hearts I believe I will get there, but as always I'm trying to rush it.
Snodderly - Prom was great! He was happy and stayed till the end of all events (a good sign)!
Happy Mothers' Day to all my friends at this site! Mothering through these events represents an even more awesome challenge - but thank God for these kids:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
"Happy Mothers Day! Thank you for all the wonderful things you have done for our kids!"
I was shocked to say the least. No message like this in 2 years... Message came in at 10am. I finally responded at 7 tonight with a 'Thanks" Really just didn't know what to say. Part of me glad that he sent it - other part angry/sad/hurt. Is that normal 2 years in?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
'Normal' in MLC??? Who knows. They have flashes of clarity, I believe, like faulty electrical wiring. Two wires suddenly connect and there is a brief appearance of apparent normality.
I think on the whole it is nice to get the odd message like this . . . but also destabilizing.
