Not sure where to start, Part 3

[wishing, hoping]

Happy Mother's Day to all.

My kids have already woke me up to give me my gifts! Lol! Both cards were musical and funny right up my alley. I got a lovely opal necklace my son picked out and a decorative frame with wonderful photos of me and the kids. Very touching and very thoughtful.

I also got a card from H. Didn't expect that. He wrote a message:

"There has been a lot of change. But one thing I know will never change is your love as a mama for S and D. Love, H."

I almost wish he didn't get me a card. I was doing okay until I got that. Of course he isn't here to thank. And that makes it even harder. Feelin kind of down and hopeless again.

[wishing, hoping]

Beautiful day. Taking kids to the state park and having a picnic. Looking forward to it and I think the kids are excited too. Sun is shining birds are singing. And there is a nest in our bush out front with a mama bird sitting in the nest. D is very excited. : )

H is missing out. We used to love doing things like this. He must really hate me to miss out on these special days with his kids. I just don't understand.

[NLW]

H is missing out. We used to love doing things like this. He must really hate me to miss out on these special days with his kids. I just don't understand.

w,h
This is the hardest part, isn't it?
So hard to understand.

Although it seems like they must hate us, it could also be that they are so hurt/ mixed up that they have to pull away to survive.
This message seems to come through all the time on these boards.

I keep going by hanging on to the belief that my H is in so much turmoil and is hurting so much that he just can't bring himself to be around us. Seems crazy, I know... but maybe it is an indication of the depth of their suffering.

Helps me remember to be compassionate, and keep the road home paved and smooth.

Great job on your GAL-ing, btw!

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks NLW. Maybe you are right. Maybe he is so confused and lost he needs to pull away. My C says he is running and wont stop running until he hits bottom.

Kids and I had a great day. They let me sleep in (well, sort of) and then we packed our picnic lunch and headed out to the state park. Hit the trails and did a bit of hiking and then D said she was hungry so we turned around and ate our lunch. Beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Perfect day for being outside. Then S and D played at the playground then we hit the beach area where S and D played in the sand and water. I just enjoyed watching them and soaked up the sun. Felt great! After a few hours we packed up and headed home so D could take a nap! And she is still sleeping! Lol! Now that I have the sticker for the state park we can head out every weekend for free or to any other park in the state.

I guess H must not hate me. He hugged me before he left and got me a nice card. Maybe he thinks I hate him and don't want him around. Or maybe that is just an excuse to run?

[wishing, hoping]

So H is home now. He gives me a huge hug when he sees me. That shocks me. Starts telling me about his mom and how she is not doing well and tells me about the rest of the family. I validate and don't talk just listen.

Then he drops the bomb about having a realtor come out and put the house up for sale. Tells me in this market the house may not sell quickly and one option may be for him to buy me out and for him to pay interest only but he isn't sure how he can make that happen and be okay financially. Also tells me the paperwork we filed with the court was rejected and we have to fix some things.

So I had a wonderful day with the kids but now I am downtrodden again. Such an emotional roller coaster. Feeling discouraged again.

[wishing, hoping]

Just feeling so dark. I really feel like H is dead set on D. I feel very hopeless right now. I don't feel like even trying to DB any more. I know I haven't been doing this very long but I feel like no matter what I will never reconcile my marriage. Maybe I can only hope to be friends and co-parent with him.

Now I am second guessing myself. I still plan on working on myself to become a better mother and GAL'ing. I guess I could use some words of encouragement. Need to get a coaching session. I have been putting it off.

Our anniversary is next weekend. Not looking forward to that.

[jks]

I guess one of the main things that I've learned about DB'ing is that even if you feel like you have no hope, if you continue to do it, in the long run it makes you a better person whether your spouse stays with you or not. That's why it has to be more for YOU than for him.

I am moving towards D with my H and I've realized in the last couple days that I am not proud of my behavior over the these past weeks. Had I really followed true to DB'ing throughout our mess, I know I would feel so much better about myself and my actions. So I've decided to take the "high road" and to DB and "act as if" until the day it's over. And even then, it isn't really over...

But I'm doing it because I've been on the other side where I've said everything I wanted to say and I've acted totally irate and when all is said and done, I ALWAYS regret it. I don't want to have regrets anymore.

All the things you're doing are positives in your favor. Keep it up!

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks for the encouragement, JKS. I am just so sad about having to sell our house. It's our kids' home and they will be crushed. I feel like I have really let them down by not saving our marriage.

And then I think about moving and that depresses me because I hate moving. We built this house from the ground up together. And I always thought if our marriage can survive building a house together then we can survive anything. I guess I was wrong.

The problem I have is my mind keeps switching back to blaming myself for everything that has happened. I keep thinking "if only" and I know I can't do that. I am the one who doesn't want the marriage to end. I am the one who is trying to DB. He is the one who went looking for the affair and who never told me how he felt. He is the one who is running away every weekend. Friends tell me to say good riddance. I wish I could just hate him. It would be easier if I could hate him and just walk away. But I guess God doesn't want me to have anything come too easily.

[robb]

Just feeling so dark. I really feel like H is dead set on D. I feel very hopeless right now. I don't feel like even trying to DB any more. I know I haven't been doing this very long but I feel like no matter what I will never reconcile my marriage. Maybe I can only hope to be friends and co-parent with him.

Now I am second guessing myself. I still plan on working on myself to become a better mother and GAL'ing. I guess I could use some words of encouragement. Need to get a coaching session. I have been putting it off.

Our anniversary is next weekend. Not looking forward to that.

I've had the same feelings before about WAW. It's gut-wrenching to think that your children will be disappointed. Hang in there, take care of yourself.

[AprilT]

Wishing I wish I could offer some words to help you...I know all too well the feelings you are going through. All of this would be so much easier if we could hate them. I do believe it is common to blame one self for the mess our marriages are in. But please, take it from someone who has gone through this for a long time, take responsibility for YOUR part only. WE DID NOT drive our H to cheat. We all have made choices we wish we could undo. We all have to take responsibility for our part in the demise of our M. But they made the morally wrong choice to seek validation of their manhood outside the bonds of marriage. A real man with morals would NEVER do that. He would speak to his W and let her know that needs are going unmet, and things need to change.

One of the hardest parts of changing is realizing that no matter if you or I had done everything they wanted us to, it would have made a difference. We cannot change them. Could we have done things diffently?? Of course we could. Could we have been sweeter, more thin, more blonde, more sexy, more whatever.....I think you get my point. Even though my soon to be X is a total tool, I will always love him in a way. He is the father of my children. Will I ever be able to trust him, or live with him....not in this realm or immediate lifetime! I deserve to have a man that wants ME, and only ME. So do you.

There are men out there who understand what full committment and honesty mean. Heck there are tons on this board who are in the same boat we are. Please do not blame yourself or think "what if." I have beaten myself up enough for the both of us thinking I was not woman enough for him. It nets you nothing but pain and heartache. Continue to GAL, and find the amazing, lovely, talented, sexy beast within you....I know she is there! Mine is starting to come out, and I really like her.

On a funny note, I will share what a belly dancer at a Greek resturant I went to last night said to me. The place was so completely fun, and she was dancing around the tables. She came to our table several times, and finally looked at me and said, "You are such a fun, lively, person. I bet you bring joy to all those around you." That statement made me stop and check myself. I have been that person lately. I am more relaxed and open to new adventures. When H was around, I was angry and closed off all the time. I felt like the warden watching the inmate for signs of trouble. I don't want to feel that way ever again.

Sending love and light from GA--the happy state:)