I've been emotionally up and down today. I was very surprised this morning when my boys gave me a nice gift that my H actually took S15 to buy (H paid). I initially was going to text him thanking him for taking S, but then my head got in the way and I became angry. I kept thinking he probably only did it to make himself feel better about the person that he is. Then a few hours went by and my heart soften and I thought about texting again, but thought I should wait a bit to see how I feel. Well, opportunity lost. I'm angry all over again. I spent some time by myself doing a little shopping. I'm still trying to put together a work wardrobe after so many years as a SAHM. Of course, I have to do it all on a budget. That makes me mad. If H was here I wouldn't have financial concerns. After that it was back to reality. I stopped at the grocery store and now I cooking my own Mother's Day dinner while H is probably with an OW. Should I text or not, even if I don't feel like it?
Golf mom, Don't lower yourself to his current standards. Later this evening, text him a very short, but nice note. You could say something like this: "h, thank you for taking son shopping for my Mother's Day gift. I was very surprised and pleased."
If you keep it simple, there's no way that he can get ugly about it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OK, snodderly. I'll do that. I can't believe how petty I'm being. I'm an extremely gracious person. I guess I'm hesitant because I'm dealing with someone who has hurt me. I do really appreciate what he did, but I don't want to contribute to him feeling good about himself if he's not doing nice things in the right spirit. I guess there's no way for me to know what his motive was. I'll just assume the best. When the mood hits later I'll text before I talk myself out of it by remembering all of the bad stuff. I still have him blocked so he can't respond.
Hey GM. I agree with Snodderly if it helps. Your H may have been helping your son more than doing anything for you. Something to consider and be grateful for. Many of the MLCrs don't do ANYTHING with their kids or they let their emotions get in the way of helping their kids. They let their anger toward their spouse get in the way of helping a child who otherwise may not be able to get you a gift.
Focus on the positive and let the rest go. It won't serve you well
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yes you're going through the same emotions I've been for the last 4 months. Angry, Soft, Angry, Confused, Soft, Angry, Frustrated, JUST WANT TO PULL YOUR HAIR OUT.
All I know is in time their true colors for what they are now will show. It just sometimes takes alot of trial and error for it to come to full fruition. I guess each time we backslide and scrape our knees we get a little more tougher, a little more wiser, and a little more "numb" so it doesn't hurt as much.
Gm you'll have to excuse me for asking this, because I probably already did. But how did your H act towards you the last year? The last 2 - 3 years? Did you see changes in his behavior? Did he start to act more selfishly?
I can't do it, AJ. I'm really feeling sad and angry today. I just ran five miles hoping to shake this, but I fought back tears the whole time. Some days I'm more or less fine and then I have days like today where I'm barely able to cope. I wanted to enjoy my kids today, but instead I left for a few hours, trying to run away from my grief. Maybe later in the week I can show my gratitude, but right now I just can't. I'm really a better person than this, but I just need to remain NC to protect myself.
Unfortunately... or rather fortunately... you have learned what it can take the MLCer years and years... and possibly years... to realize...
we can not run away from our problems...
What ever it take GM, you will need to work through the grief... not that I'm suggesting you haven't been... just that it will take what ever amount of time it will for you to get through it...
golf mom, How are you doing today? As you work through the grieving process, allow those feelings to wash over you and then let them go. As many have said before, you have to go through the pain in order to get to the other side. It will take as long as it takes and the process can't be rushed.
I hope you have a good week.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kimmerz, there were no obvious changes in my H the last couple of years. He's always been somewhat selfish, only committing to what he wanted to do regardless of what the boys and I wanted. But also he was generous in his own way. Finances were frustrating him a great deal. After me not working for so many years he was really feeling the strain of being the sole provider and worrying about the future. We had debt that we were aggressively paying off and he was having a hard time being patient with our plan. I was looking for part-time work, but not aggressively. That's one area where I have a lot of guilt. I learned after the fact that resentment was building. Being pa and ca my H didn't share how he felt. Still, I saw the writing on the wall, but I was so concerned about what we would do with the boys, especially during the summer, that my fear kept me from actively job searching. I was also feeling like I was less than marketable after so many years as a SAHM. I didn't get any understanding or support in this area. Going back to your question, I've looked back and don't see any signs. We had a great family vacation and other good day trips in the year before he left. I didn't have any concerns about my H's whereabouts. However, I do remember saying to a friend in October that I felt that my H and I were disconnected and heading for a rough patch. For the life of me I can't understand why I didn't act on what my gut was telling me. We just seemed to be going along right up until the time that he left. There was an evening that he pushed me away while he was watching tv, but I can't remember how close to bd that was. The last month that we were together seemed pretty normal, in fact, we had done quite a bit without the boys and that felt good to me and like all was well. There were a lot of potential triggers leading to bd. I really don't know what happened. My H just woke up and ran away, later saying he was resentful. I've questioned many times whether he's in MLC. Due to family history, triggers, personality, the way he fled and what he's said I would conclude that he is, but there are days where I carry the burden of his actions and change my mind, thinking I drove him away.
I've questioned many times whether he's in MLC. Due to family history, triggers, personality, the way he fled and what he's said I would conclude that he is, but there are days where I carry the burden of his actions and change my mind, thinking I drove him away.
This is important...
My time on the board... I don't know how recent this is, but there's been a change (that was occurring before I joined) that the LBS steer clear of jumping on the MLC wagon...
Because when we label our WAS as MLC... an LBS can and sometimes does put the entire "blame" of the sitch on the MLC...
And the LBS doesn't do the work that... MLC or not... is necessary...
DO THE WORK that is necessary... as though your H is a WAS...
and IF your H is MLC... then just realize that the work you do now... just MIGHT have positive results in the future...
If your H comes out of the tunnel and finds you are the same person he left... well, their empathy chip IS broken... and they do live portions of their lives in a fog... but they DO remember stuff that happened during the sitch... that's been reported by MLCers after the fact, quite often...
If you are not the best woman you can be, that only a fool would leave, when he comes out of the tunnel...
Then... why would he choose to stay... once he has his rational mind back..?
