Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

I've been wanting to share some of my thoughts about marriage on facebook for a while, but I've been keeping quiet.

There is an article in The Atlantic from 2003 that cites MWD's Sex-Starved Marriage that I was reading back in November or December that I wanted to share, so I left that tab open in my browser. For 6 months. Anyway, I shared it, but my introduction to the article broke my silence on the issue of marriage.

This is what I wrote:

Caveat: This is not about *my* marriage, per se.
I've done a lot of reading and a lot of thinking about Marriage in modern America. There is a lot of dissatisfaction on the parts of both genders, and it worries me that seemingly fewer adolescents have access to married parents, a stable home, and a model of a healthy working marriage. I think that children of all ages need those things, but teens have the least chance of their parents' marriage having lasted that long.

This is upsetting to me. Marriage and the lack of conviction and commitment around it now common in our culture is something that I think more people ought to be thinking about, especially those people in marriages themselves. I haven't seen an authoritative figure, but all the books say half of all marriages end in divorce - and they've all said that for over 20 years. My gut tells me that number is higher now.

Couples are woefully uneducated on what causes the deterioration of marital relationships, how to know when it is happening, and how to restore that relationship to health. After saying, "until death do us part; I do", it is so easy for one spouse (or both!) to take his or her commitment for granted and stand by, unaware, until their partner or their relationship is bent past the breaking point.

The article I'm sharing today isn't about all of that directly. It is about sex-starved marriages, which are an increasingly common phenomenon, according to marriage counselors. The relationship dynamics referenced here, though, are from the same pool of over-stress, role confusion, resentments, and detachment that are driving many marriages to dissolution.

This isn't exactly where I would plan to start this discussion with anyone, but I've had a browser tab open with this article in it to remind me to share it since before Christmas. It's time to close that tab.

There is no doubt in my mind that part of the problem we face as a nation is that in the rejection of standard gender roles, marriage has suffered. You conservatives out there are probably saying, "Well, duh!", but I'm glad misogyny is no longer something you can air in polite company. I'll argue there isn't anything wrong with gender equality, in all areas of life, and for the sake of future generations of boys and girls, I would not at all like to see it regress. I'm glad to live in a society where I am not expected to be unavailable to my wife and children's inner lives, and I am proud to have spent more hours rocking my children to sleep than many mothers ever do.

I believe, though, that in the wake of the confusion, resentment, and loss of a certain "mojo" brought about by haphazard redefinition of these roles, we as a nation and within each couple need to spend some more time thinking about how we ensure the new roles we choose preserve the magic of a secure marriage.

Article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/01/the-wifely-duty/2659/