New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

4MF

she is very concerned that to the truth about her actions is kept under wraps. The truth would spoil the illusion.

I believe this about H too. But I think his motivator is shame. He's made some bad decisions throughout his life and is running from them, from himself, still. I think on some level he believes he does not deserve love. I've mentioned previously that I wonder if something untoward happened to him as a child. The saddest part of it is the running means he keeps making bad decisions, thereby perpetuating the misery. Easy for me to say I suppose.

I am not sure about unconditional love (except for my sons), a relationship is a two way street.

I believe love and relating are two different things. You can love someone, warts and all, but choose to not be with them because of the way they treat you. Both are choices and are mutually exclusive. I love my husband, regardless of the mistakes he has made. I believe he is a good person at his core, just badly damaged. But I will not put up with being lied to overtly or by omission, should he choose to return. You can love someone but choose to not be with them. That's called moving on I guess.

You would be amazed how many compromises you have made, and how much you have given up over the years.

Haven't done the exercise, but I hear you on the lessons. I sacrificed a number of things I needed in my marriage because I love H. Ain't gonna happen no more. We split up early in our relationship and he asked for a second chance. He said he had no passion for me. Said it again this time around. Thing is, I don't think he has passion for anyone or anything. You cannot have passion when your emotions are stuffed way, way down, when you're closed up tight as a drum. He is so unwilling or unable to let loose, which is a core element of passion... letting loose, letting go. Passion IS feeling, and when you don't let yourself feel then of course you don't have passion. The root of this in H I don't know, but it's sad.

Obviously a lay off is a negative but a generous severance package is a big positive. Personally I find change exciting and I have always loved a road trip...and sometimes living life a bit more on the edge, not so secure, can make you feel more alive. Might be primal: looking out for the predators?

Right with you there too. I am 98% certain that my decision will be to take the package and begin a second career. I've gotten incredibly positive feedback from everybody I've talked to about this, and they're wise people. And yes, I've never felt more energized! I see more clearly now that the pervasive eating away at my core that happened as a result of my work environment MUST HAVE eaten away at my marriage. I have been miserable at work FOR YEARS. It's a risk that I'm taking, but a risk of something great is much better than the certainty of misery.

When I was fairly desperate to save my marriage it was my 18 year old son, who sees things from a slightly different perspective as he has a different relationship with his mother (he loves her but...) who gave me some words of wisdom: 'Dad nothing lasts forever..... let it go...it's over' Its a law of the universe nothing does last forever, maybe we need to learn to accept change as normal and not fight it. Once I accepted it was over and I stopped living in hope, optimism returned.

H's D had the same effect on me. I told her at one point that I was happier than I'd been in a long time and that I love her father but couldn't be with someone who wasn't completely honest with me (she knows about OW and the lies he told about leaving her mother and the city they used to live in, but nothing deep). She said she felt a lot better, that I was better off because he would never change. She needed to know I would be happy and OK. This was the point when she started talking to, and not yelling at, him again. I never spoke a bad word about her dad, although he did me. She and I have a great relationship now, though my recent depression tried to convince me otherwise.

They alone are responsible, there is not one thing you could have done to change a damn thing he said or did. He has been programmed since childhood to do this at some point in his life.

Agreed! I don't think I suffer guilt, fear and obligation though. Maybe some fear early on, but that passed. Now I just miss him and our life but am sticking to no contact. It's been three weeks and not a peep, whereas he used to go no more than two without contacting me for something. A bill for an ambulance he used back in October came here this week for for the third time. I forwarded the bill AGAIN, and fought the urge to remind him that if he doesn't pay it his provincial health insurance might be stopped. Not my problem to solve, though I'd hate to see that happen what with the congenital heart defect (ironic I know) they recently discovered.

GWN I took great strength from your early posts, what I interpreted as your independence and no nonsense practicality. I think we all learn a lot about ourselves, life and relationships from these experiences. Hopefully that wisdom leads to better choices in the future.

4MF, it means so much to hear that. Independence and no nonsense practicality are pretty good descriptors of me. And yes, we learn a lot if we choose to. Sadly, there are some who are resistant to that learning.

Although it is presumptuous , I really do have a strong feeling you will come through all of this to a much better times.

Thank you. I know in my heart that I will but it's a difficult row to hoe. I am a bit lonesome these days and would like some male company but I refuse to date before informing H that I intend to do so. And I won't inform him by email, so I wait for him to call me to pick up more of his things. He has all his hunting gear now so it might be awhile.

The plan is to have a face to face convo that consists of my letting him know that I believe our marriage is worth saving and have been hoping he'd come to the same belief but since he hasn't I have to move on.

I am not a patient person, and have found that waiting always ends poorly. I waited ten years for my brother to die, then waited weeks from BD for the other shoe to drop in my marriage, and now waiting for this. Difference is, I knew for sure my brother would die. I knew in my heart and my gut that H was cake eating after he first left. But this last one, about moving on and the futility of my marriage, I'm not so sure about. Maybe it's "bandaid optimism" to protect me from pain, or maybe it's based on the fact that I really don't know.

I've come to not like weekends so much. Although the workplace is negative and morale is in the toilet what with all the cuts going on, I am surrounded by people when I'm there. Weekends are quiet and a bit lonely. I do reach out, have drinks with the neighbours, invite people over, tour small towns with friends, visit family, but the gaping hole that was my life with H is ever obvious. The boat sits outside, and right now we should be getting out in it several times a month.

I've written before about the pain of passing events and seasons. New memories must move in, but until I can have someone new in my life it will be hard to create them in the way they're needed. My heart needs a connection that flows back to me. It's the human condition.

Until the jury's back I'll motor along battling my garden, watching in awe the baby hummingbirds (so tiny yet they thrive!!)at my window feeder, working on my business plan, pondering the possibilities presented in my second career and how the planets have aligned to present the opportunity.

Happy Mothers Day to all you mommas out there!