I dont think I made things overly clear in my initial post but my ex gf and I are not married - we are in a LRT with 2 young children (although I hope the same principles apply with regards to the DB techniques!!).
I had a major backslide this week and was then told by my ex gf that she had been asked out on a date by someone at work - but she had said no.
I will be honest this has rocked me to my core, I have been casually dating as a way of rebuilding my self esteem but all this has served to do is to confirm that I dont want to move on.
I am trying so desperately not to panic, as she has initially said no, but after finding out I had been on a date with someone she said she now may go out with this guy. :-(
I really want her to give me the chance to prove that I can make the changes but at the moment she just says that we are done and in the short term she cannot see how she can regain her feelings for me.
We had a long talk last night and she is just as devastated as I am about the family being broken up, about having to contend with difficult questions from our D4 and S7 - it breaks her heart as much as it does mine it seems, yet she still wont open up to the thought of us trying again.
Prior to my backslide I had made positive changes and had lasted about 10 days - she commented that she had noticed the changes and was glad I had stepped up, and she was glad that we could get on for the kids sake - but it is so hard for me to remain this way when I feel like I am about to lose her to the first guy that comes along.
FYI - I have now promised myself not to date or see other people until I know in my heart it is over.
I can see where I have gone wrong and desperately want to prove to her that I know I have let her down.
Despite her telling me it is over, I can see she is hurting as much as I am in certain aspects that our family has broken down - "I never wanted my kids to come from a broken home" - and I cannot let go of the belief / hope that we can figure this out.
What should I do - and how do I deal with the fact that she may date someone else?
Had a bad weekend after finding out about the boss asking my ex on a date, backslid horribly and keep pushing even though I can see the damage it has caused and is continuing to cause - if only I had found this site earlier in the process.
At 5 months, is it too late - she says we are done, we are never getting back together, and has even asked me herself "can you not see what you are doing by chasing and crowding me?"
The answer is that yes I can, but I cannot seem to help myself - anxiety takes over at levels I have never experienced before and I have what seems like a physical urge to contact her and ask her questions.
For what its worth she has told her sister that she is not ready to date anyone yet - dont know if I should take this as a good sign or not.
The kids also told me that last week Mummy picked them up from school, went back to hers and then she just went to bed. :-( - I dont know if it is me that is causing her to be down or the situation.
I have ordered DR and it arrives today thank god so I can now preoccupy myself with some reading to try and move forward and continue the improvements I have made.
I know I need to give her space but I am worried that moving so far back will just push her to the advances of the boss.
Other reading (I have probably read more in the last 5 month than the preceeding 5 years) shows me that her LL is spending time - how do I do that without pursuing and pressuring, would a day out with the kids be suggested at this point or do I need to step off completely for now?
Stopped by because you asked but I don't that I have a lot to give right now. So I will tell you what's been told to me.
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I know I need to give her space but I am worried that moving so far back will just push her to the advances of the boss.
to detach is the opposite of everything we think we should do. the normal reaction when someone wants space is for us pursue. you have to stop being the pursuer so that she can have time to think. Someone explained it to me like this people don't want to be sold something they want to think they made the choice and purchase. It is only through space that she can decide what she wants. The best way I finally got it was "do you want someone you pushed to be with you or do you want someone who chose to be with you?"
As hard as it sounds you can't dote or spend time with or show her love because right now she wants space. Show her that you CAN dote and spend time with by doing that with your kids.
She is sorting and processing and coming to terms. If you are there clouding that process she's associate you with negative feelings.
nothing you can say to her will change her mind toward you but it can do a lot of damage against you. Remember that when you're about to send a text or make a phone call haha
if you read back your posts a lot of them are what is she thinking, what is she doing, what does she want me to do, what can I do for her with a smattering of your kids thrown in. Shift it to you! What have you learned about yourself...for instance what's your love language what do you need and how do you show? What are your faults, fears, insecurities? How can you work on them?
she says we are done, we are never getting back together
They pretty much all say some version of that but that doesn't mean you shouldn't believe her. She wants out, she wants space, she wants away from you right now.
Do that for her, detach and let her have some space. As she said so clearly below, pursing is not bringing you closer but rather propelling her away from you.
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has even asked me herself "can you not see what you are doing by chasing and crowding me?"
I'd print that sentence out and hang it where you can see it everyday, make it the screensaver on your computer, put it on your phone.
Good luck.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
R33 - I don't frequently post a lot to people, because I still think I am a mess in a lot of regards. Notwithstanding, I have to tell you - you sound exactly like me early on (and still today). It's actually quite alarming. I have a series of of threads dating back months titled "Never Thought I'd Be Here". I would STRONGLY encourage you to look at them - especially the early ones. We are quite, quite alike. Then again, there are common elements that run through all LBS. There are bits on your thread that I've read that are helping me re-focus.
The best thing I can tell you to do is the hardest. Pull back....it goes against everything your heart and logic is telling you to do - but you have to. Force yourself - leave your phone at home (I do that a lot now) - whatever it takes. Once I did this my W actually came back around - of course, I made the common mistake of showing too much enthusiasm and that bumped me right back down the ladder.
Be confident, tear-free, upbeat and happy as you can be when you are around her. Even that means you are doing the ACTING JOB OF YOUR LIFE!! There were many moments when I would put on my brave, happy face in front of my W when I was dropping off our son - and then I would have a TOTAL breakdown in the car on the way back home.
I, too, fear greatly that another man will come along and steal my wife's heart away - so I understand what you are feeling. Truth of the matter is, neither of us can stop it from happening. I just try to put faith in the fact that my W isn't ready for that yet. Our D will be wrapped up shortly, and still I hope things can "improve" after that point.
If I can give you one bit of advice that might help you that I am STILL struggling to get "right" it would be this: do NOT let your self-esteem, happiness or feelings about yourself be tied to how your GF feels about your or your situation at any given time. She, kind of like my W, is most likely on the roller coaster and you will go mad with the ups and downs. Please do not allow yourself to go there with her. I regret being in that cycle and I know if I could break it things would be better for me.
Thank you for posting. Thanks to those who replied. It's helping me refocus a bit.
"can you not see what you are doing by chasing and crowding me?"
The answer is that yes I can, but I cannot seem to help myself - anxiety takes over at levels I have never experienced before and I have what seems like a physical urge to contact her and ask her questions.
I know I need to give her space but I am worried that moving so far back will just push her to the advances of the boss.
She told you out of her own mouth to stop chasing her! Most LBH's don't get advice from the WAW like that. Take it!
I think every man that has come here has said almost word for word what you've said in this quote above. The successful ones took our advice and stopped pursuing. The unsuccessful followed their emotions & urges to make contact, tried to win the WAW back, and to make changes to impress her. Oh, and they kept talking about the R to WAW! They seem to think that they could fix what's broken by talking. Talking and talking and talking.
My advice to you is do none of these things that unsuccessful men have done, and your GF will begin to notice. If you improve yourself....."for you".....she will be attracted to you once again. If you stay persistent in being a great dad and the best man you can be, then she will respect you. She's got to respect you before she'll want to stay with you.
Stop pointing out things to her (like the WAW Syndrome) or other material about R's, about what she should do or about how this affects the kids. I promise you, if you continue doing it your way....it will work against you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have not made contact with regards to anything other than the kids for the last week and have not asked a question with regards to the R, the what she is doing, who she is with and generally moving towards DB methods that I have read in the book.
Almost immediately I have seen a warming in ex GF attitude towards me and she is more chatty, not wanting to be out of my company when I am around etc, and I can actually feel myself detaching emotionally.
I have started to accept that the old relationship is dead and that any future relationship with my ex will be formed afresh on the basis of respect and friendship - if the spark re-appears then all well and good, if not then I am in a better place to deal with things.
This last 24 hours have been hectic with a fairly major family situation that I wont go into detail about on here, but during this last 24 hours she has asked for me to be with her and has told me she didnt want me to leave when I told her I was going to go.
I am not reading anything into this at all, but there has been a definite thaw in the frostiness I had encountered before, and I need to be careful that I dont fall back into asking questions or pursuing.
It is hard, but I am GAL to the best of my ability, doting on my kids (we sat at her house tonight and made jubilee hats together :-) ) and just trying to be as supportive as possible for her.
I am feeling much more comfortable in my situation right now, hopefully time will work on my side.
