My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

Things had a lovely turn for the better this morning. I was a little quieter than normal last night and H really noticed it. He kept asking what was wrong, I told him nothing was wrong. And I wasn't doing the passive aggressive "Nothing. Sigh". I HATE that. His mother does that, and so does my sister every now and then. Anyway, I just smiled and said I was playing a game on my laptop and didn't really have anything to say.

Anyway, this morning, I got up a bit early (9am on a Saturday is early for me, lol) and got a shower. Went back into the bedroom to dry off, moisturize, the rest of the womanly routine. Anyway, I was sitting on the bed and H rolled over and started to snuggle with me. This was nice. I have felt very unattractive for a while and worried he didn't find me sexy anymore. Well, I don't have to worry about that. Probably TMI, but we had some fun. I was so happy that I nearly cried after. He saw that I got a little teary and asked what was wrong, and I said nothing was wrong, but I was very happy that we had been intimate. He said that with me being sick and needing some space in that department, he didn't want to push things, but that he definitely found me attractive and that he loved me. I gave him a hug and said that really meant a lot to me.

I've decided to initiate intimacy more with H. I know he finds it sexy and that he doesn't want to push me too hard. I just feel better knowing that it's not all for naught. I love him and I know that he loves me. I also know that being physically intimate is how he expresses love and that if I initiate it, it makes him feel loved. I express love in other ways, mainly verbally and through actions, but it's important to him to have the physical aspect of the relationship expressed. I will take some ownership and express my love to him in the way he needs.

He went out to a party tonight. I'm tired and wanted to spend the evening making some jewellery (finishing some necklaces that were big sellers, as well as repairing some pieces I gave my mother). He asked if I minded him going out (he may spend the night at a mutual friend's house and I told him I didn't mind at all, that I expected him to either get a cab home tonight or come home early tomorrow morning so we could go to my mother's (his parents' are having dinner in the evening, so my mom's in the am, his in the pm) for mother's day. He said that would not be a problem. I am really starting to trust him again. Every now and then I have a niggling feeling of doubt, like he may be having another EA, but I know how it affected him before, so I don't think he's doing it again. I need to let go of the doubt and trust him. We can't make this work without trust.

I have my appointment with my IC on Tuesday. I am kind of looking forward to it. The stress is difficult and I feel like I'm living a lie a lot of the time. My family doesn't know what is going on, and neither does his family or any of my friends know. When the bomb dropped about the EA, I spoke to my sister about it very briefly as she went through something similar with her fiance and they worked through it. But she doesn't know it progressed into a PA and we don't talk about it any more. I tend to be a very private person and my family very much respects this. They know that if I don't mention it then they shouldn't pry. Anyway, the IC is more for me to vent what has been going on and help me deal with it.

On the GAL front, I'm still busy making jewellery. I got a hair cut and am focusing on dressing better even when dressed casually. I try to wear perfume for H and wear jewellery (it's funny, I make it but don't really wear it). My mother and I are taking a mini-vacation and flying across the country to visit my sister in a few weeks. My sister is getting married in the Bahamas and we're throwing her a shower. She only thinks my mother is coming, has no idea that both myself and my aunt (who is my mother's twin and very close to us) is coming and will be at the shower. So I'm busy planning things with the other bridesmaid and mother of the groom. And I hope to take my mother on a whale watching/ice berg tour that happens each summer locally, so I'm planning that, too. That's also something that would be crossed off my bucket list (see a whale in the ocean). I'm also going to go for a walk at least three times this week after work. Not so much for fitness, but to de-stress after work.

Phew. That was a long one! Oh, and my cough is MUCH better today. Should be gone by next week, hopefully, but I'm going to knock on wood as I type this...