A lot is said about the WAS and the "fog" or the fantasy they are in when a third party is involved. However, I wonder if the LBS doesn't have some fantasy of their own.
"A huge part of me thinks that I can get over this and really forgive because I know the man he can be when he's happy about life and I know the woman I can be when I'm loving every minute of life and looking positively towards my future."
It's important that you keep a healthy outlook in life. But, let me ask you something. Is the man your H "can" be....a fantasy? What about the woman you "can" be when you're loving every minute of life? Most people are seen as being pretty good when everything is going their way, wouldn't you agree? But life teaches us that it's not going to be that way 24/7. So, then what?
If your M succeeds, you will have to forgive your H when he's at his worst.....not when he's at his best. It's not the wonderful, easy, happy times that makes us stronger....it's the hard times that gives us the tough lessons, and everyone is given a test to see how well they learned. And as much as we love those great times, we would not appreciate them if not for the bad.
You don't have to like or accept the man he is right now. But at the same time, don't build castles in clouds that will be shattered when the storm passes through.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"You don't have to like or accept the man he is right now. But at the same time, don't build castles in clouds that will be shattered when the storm passes through."
Good point, Sandi!!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I don't think that my new M with my H would be a fantasy. He was there not only 6 months ago. He is a very caring and loving person...just not being that way towards me right now, which still hurts me inside!
I do think the hard times make us stronger..it's what I have been my whole life. Every time something tough hits me, I become that much stronger. My H on the other hand did not have a troubled childhood so I don't think he knows how to fight for things or the people he loves.
The reason I said that thing about looking towards the future is because I know one of the things I need to work on is forgiving and not holding grudges. I need to work on that with all people in my life. That was my H's complaint about me.
Like I said, I am that person who makes changes when things are not going my way or if things are not right in my life. I am a fixer and if something is not right, I figure out why and make it work. My H, on the other hand, does not have this. His way of 'fixing
For instance, my first career choice did not work out in my favor so instead of just staying at my pointless job, I looked for a different career and earned my Master's Degree. My H is kind of at the same point in his life now...he knows his job right now is just a job and is not happy with it, but does not have the drive or whatever it is to figure out what career will make him happy.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
So H finally contacted me via email about getting the remainder of his belongings at my house. He apologized for everything that has happened these past few months and that he went about things the wrong way.
He also told me the things that he would pick up and is trying to get together with a friend to find a good weekend to pick up things (which I know to be a lie because I'm good friends with the wife and her H works days and is off by 3 on the weekends, so he has time to go almost any weekend.)
He then said he refinanced his car and needs my signature on the old title for the new bank refi?? He asked to forge my name...I'm going to say no to that!
He then said now onto our current situation and asked if I was going to file for D and if we are going to do this the nice way or not...meaning am I going to try to take half his pension?
He said he's been trying to put this whole thing in the back of his head and not really think about anything but he said that leads to procastination which is delaying things and anything that "life is sending our way..."
I'm heartbroken all over again because this is another step towards the big D!
I'm going to wait a couple days to respond...
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
As of now, I am not going to file either. THat's my whole point...if you want the big D, then go file!!! Why won't he?
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
i refuse to file. if he wants a D, he can file. i'm letting his 401K and pension increase monthly.
Sometimes I wish there was a "like" button on these forums.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
